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wolfanficsI so forgot to post this here on the 24th. So I'm posting it now. Apologies if you've already read it elsewhere. XDlg
Title: Brave New Worlds
Author: sashataakheru
Fandom: The Chaser RPS
Starring: Chris Taylor, Craig Reucassel, Andrew Hansen, Julian Morrow, Chas Licciardello, Charles Firth, Dominic Knight
Pairings: Chris/Andrew, implied Jules/Chas
Chapters: 1/2
Rating: FRM
Word Count: 7,103 [14,838 overall]
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I'm in no way associated with the guys or the ABC, and the contents herein should not be taken as fact. Ever.
Prompt: #659. RPF - The Chaser: Chris Taylor. There have been rumours for years about him being gay, in spite of his best efforts to cover his trail. When and why and to whom does he finally decide to out himself, and how does the rest of the group react?
Summary: It's been a lifetime of hiding, lying, denying what he really is. The love clutching his heart is demanding to be realised. But will coming out ruin everything and just make him more miserable, or will it be the thing that finally brings him the happiness he's been searching for his whole life?
Warnings (if any): real people, boykissing + a bit of making out, swearing, long winded first person ramblings to make up for my inability to write pretentious!Chris
Author's Notes (if any): First person: Chris' POV. These are my boys, in case you're unfamiliar with them. Also, apologies for length. Chris wouldn't shut up. XD
I always knew I was gay, even if I never told anyone. I learnt very quickly that I shouldn't tell anyone. I'd be even more of a disappointment than I'd end up being, or at least that was the impression I got as a kid. I was never all that butch, I always preferred more intellectual pursuits than anything, and private schooling did me no favours. I had my fair share of beatings, as if it proved anything other than that I was different. I suppose some people are right in calling me pretentious. It's not like I'm a completely pathetic human being. There are times where I wonder if the pretentiousness is a front for my fears of being outed. Maybe I was just born this way.
The problem with being gay is that it ruins everything. I was always too scared to come out, so the few chances I did have slipped me by, so I was forced to lie all the time and pretend I actually cared about the girls I went out with. I sometimes wondered if I'd left it too late, that if I somehow found the strength to come out that it'd be too late and I might as well go kill myself, or hide away in a cave.
The fear was always there, preventing me from saying anything. No one will approve. It'll be too hard to come out and not be disowned by everyone I care about. My life will be over. The arguments run around in your head like unabating white noise, always whispering away and fuelling the fear in my heart. I can't win. I can't silence their voices. In time you start to listen to them, which only makes you even more imprisoned in your own skin than before.
Is it usual to think the worst about such scenarios? Or is it that the horror stories are the most powerful and the most disturbing and those have taken precedence over the happy stories where children are embraced by their parents and their friends and work colleagues and they never have any problems ever again?
I try and avoid the negativity and the stories of kids being disowned and kicked out of home and bashed and killed and left for dead, but it's hard when it seems to be so common. Indeed, some feel the need to wallow in the mistreatment and the victim mentality, as if vying for peoples' pity will make things better. I'm not sure I buy that tactic anymore, and all it does is create fear in those still hiding away, making the outside world seem like the most dangerous place. I won't deny there is still prejudice, but surely a few positive stories and a positive mindset wouldn't hurt their cause. Deciding to come out is seen as even more daunting when faced with such a negative atmosphere.
I'm getting older every day. The more success I have, the less I wanted to come out to avoid totally ruining my life. I know some have come out lately and not had any backlash for it, but it’s a risk I wasn't sure I want to take, even though it meant playing straight to varying degrees of success. I kept asking myself how much longer I could do this, play this charade, before I went mad.
I was surprised no one had picked it already, though to be fair, there had been talk for years, suspicion and rumour and chatter about my sexuality. It disturbed me. I'd laugh it off and pretend it didn't affect me, but it did. Constant suspicion makes one paranoid, and I got paranoid about being outed, even if I never showed it. One takes the mockery in one's stride, and hides the pain away. I suppose I may have done myself a disservice with Andrew and some of the sketches we did together, though. Trying to shake people's perceptions of you as gay are not helped by doing Brokeback Mountain sketches, or, as Craig put it, writing sketches where I get to go into really secretive places with Andrew. This is why I don't do DVD commentary.
I perhaps should've been more careful if I didn't want to arouse people's suspicions. A comedy sketch is apparently no safe disguise. I thought I could hide there, but I fear that's backfired on me. People are far more perceptive than I've previously given them credit for.
It was that that made me decide to come out at last. Living with unrequited love, when you see your soul mate every day, grates on you like nothing else. In the end, I just couldn't stand the longing any more. I needed Andrew too badly to wait any longer. That I'd broken up with yet another girl a few weeks beforehand, which Andrew insisted on comforting me about, also had a lot to do with it. I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't upset because of her. It was because I couldn't have him. He knew there was something else troubling me though. I danced around the issue, pretending it was someone else I really wanted. I ended up in tears, his arms around me, sitting on his couch wishing so very much that the Universe would see fit to give me Andrew to make all the misery end.
I went home the next day and knew I couldn't hide any more. My feelings for Andrew were getting too strong, and I couldn't cope with it any longer. I spent that evening alone in bed, terrified of losing everything, but knowing I had no other choice. If I wanted Andrew, silently asking the Universe to give him to me wouldn't work. I'd have to stand up and be a man and fight for him, even if it didn't work in the end. I had to come out. A small part of me was quite convinced that none of them would mind, but that fear returned with a vengeance, and it took a long time to get over it. It's still with me now. I'm not sure it'll ever leave.
I thought long and hard about who should be the first person I told. As much as I wanted Andrew, the very thought of telling him first terrified me. I needed a practice run first. In the end, though my mate Chris would've been the logical choice being openly gay himself, I decided on Craig. For some reason, I felt he was the only one I could trust with this, since the other half of the issue was Andrew. I set a date two weeks away and spent the time worrying over what I should do. I couldn't just invite him over for dinner. That would be too formal, and make me even more nervous than I knew I already would be. Should I just invite him over for drinks? Maybe I should tell him why I want him to come over, that I have something important to tell him. He needs to know I'm serious at any rate.
Two days before, having not had any better ideas, I called him up and asked him to come over, that I needed him. I knew he'd respond to that. We knew each other well enough to know that that would be enough to tell him that what I wanted was serious. I'd only pulled it on him a few times, but it was enough. He always responded when I told him I needed him. Perhaps he just really felt sorry for me. Maybe I'm just that pathetic.
That night, he came over -- he insisted, because apparently I sounded quite upset and needy and he couldn't wait two days, and I shat myself with nerves. I'd had a beer or two beforehand, quite possibly drunk too quickly, but the nerves all came back when I opened the door to him. He pulled me into a hug. He must've guessed I was nervous, drunk, or both.
It was after I'd grabbed us drinks and we were sitting on my bed together that things turned to why I'd asked him over. It was true that outside of work, we usually didn't spend much time together, but I needed Craig right then, and I don't think I'd have been able to tell anyone else first off.
“So, there was something you wanted to tell me?” he said, as if knowing I needed prodding.
I took a swig of beer before speaking. I might as well just out and say it, otherwise I'll pussyfoot around the issue all night and never actually say it. “'Craig, I'm gay, and I'm in love with Andrew.” I inhaled as I watched his face, waiting for his reaction. I figured I'd tell him everything. He'd help me work out what to do.
“Oh, is that all? Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I kinda guessed when I was watching you mauling Andrew before, you know? I figured there was something going on there. Does Andrew know?” Craig said, and I was surprised at how okay he was with it. He reached over and grabbed my hand, as if it was the only gesture he could think of to do.
“No, no he doesn't. Or at least, I don't think he does. He hasn't said anything. I never told him because I didn't want it ruining things between us,” I said.
“Hmm, I can understand that I suppose. Are you going to tell him?” Craig said.
“Maybe. I'm scared he'll hate me though. You don't know how hard it is being in love with him and never being able to fulfil that love. But he's straight, so what chance do I have with him anyway?” I said.
“Oh, I wouldn't write him off yet. You haven't even told him. You don't know how he's going to react until you get off your arse and tell him,” Craig said. “And don't be scared of rejection. You should know us all well enough by now. Do any of us strike you as homophobic enough to reject you outright because you're gay?”
“No, but – I could lose everything. My job, my career, my friends, family, everything. Coming out is not an easy decision to make. You don't understand just how much effort is going into telling you. I've hidden it for so long, you know? I even tried to deny it at times as well. That didn't make me any happier. I was hoping you guys wouldn't have any problems with it, but there's always that niggling feeling that the shit's going to hit the fan and you'll be rejected and lose everything. It's a fear that's very hard to ignore,” I said.
Of all the things Craig could've done to show me he didn't care, what he did then was hug me, the same as he always did, as if nothing had changed. I've seen it happen before, how after you come out to your friends, they pull away and don't know how to react to you, as if touching you is suddenly inappropriate and might turn them gay, or God forbid, somehow make you aroused, as if gay men are immediately turned on simply by touching other men. It's an unfortunate myth that takes some breaking. Guys aren't that affectionate in the first place. Coming out only distances them further, and that was something I was keen to avoid.
“Silly boy, you know full well we'd never reject you. You know we've got gay friends, so why should you think we'd have an issue with it?” Craig said.
“I dunno, maybe, I haven't exactly been very good at playing straight, you know. I was afraid you'd think I'd crossed the line somewhere,” I said.
“Chris, we'd have told you if you were being too gay with us. Besides, it's all in the context of the show. If you'd hit on me in other circumstances, I'd have a different take on things. It's not like we're not all effeminate nerds anyway, so you don't exactly stand out,” Craig said.
“I was never going to tell you this, but I may have crushed on you once. You're a very beautiful man, Craig, which I'm sure you well know, and if circumstances were different, and you were in a position to be interested, I might've been brave enough to buy you a drink one night. But things being as they are, I kept my distance. You were always unattainable. I didn't want to ruin your life. I'm not so completely heartless that I'd try and steal you away from your wife like some perverted teenage fangirl. I'm well aware of boundaries, Craig, and I always try my hardest not to cross them,” I said.
“I'm both flattered and weirded out by that, Chris, but I trust you. You might be a pathetic human being, but I trust you. I just hope coming out brings you some happiness. I do worry about your mental state sometimes. It'd be good to see you happy and not living alone anymore,” Craig said.
“I do get lonely sometimes, much as I hate to admit it. It's hard living the life you don't want to lead. Girls are nice, but there's just no desire there, you know?” I said.
“Not really, but I can guess. I won't tell anyone, not unless you say so, okay?” Craig said.
“Thanks. I'm not even sure if this is the right time, but there's no going back now. I can't keep pretending to be straight anymore,” I said.
“You don't have to come out to everyone at once. One person at a time, yes?” Craig said.
“Yeah, one at a time. Should I tell Andrew next? Or leave him til last?” I said, unsure how soon I wanted to have to face up to my feelings for him.
“Up to you, mate. If you feel better telling him last, tell him last. But it might be worth considering that he might feel hurt, being the last to know, especially when you go and lump your feelings for him on top of that. Be careful not to simply overwhelm him with this,” Craig said.
“I've run through the whole scenario in my head so many times it feels like I've already done it. I don't know how best to approach him. Should I even tell him at all? Or would it just ruin things completely? I don't want this to be the issue that drives us apart. I love you guys, but if this is going to do more harm than good, I might as well shut up now,” I said.
“Only Andrew can give you his answer. Maybe you should tell him next. If it's going to cause trouble, you need to get this over with sooner rather than later. Do you need me for moral support, or will you be fine on your own?” Craig said.
“Please, I'd rather do this alone. At least with Andrew. I need to handle it carefully, and there are some things I need to say to him that are for his ears only. I hope you understand,” I said.
“It's okay, it was just an offer. You do what you need to do,” Craig said. “And hey, whatever happens, I've got your back, okay? You need me for anything, you give me a call and I'll be there.”
“Thanks,” was all I could say. I smiled at him, grateful for his friendship.
He pulled me into another hug then. I hugged him back. I wanted to cry. I wonder if he noticed.
“Don't worry. You'll be alright, Chris,” he murmured to me.
I just held him tight. I never wanted that moment to end.
I approached Andrew a few days later, filled with panic. I had no idea how he was going to react. I wasn't just telling him I was gay, I was also admitting I loved him, and I didn't know how he'd react to that. I knew he was straight, or at least he never gave me any indicators to think otherwise. Why would he return my feelings? I didn't like my chances, but Craig had been right. I needed to tell him, otherwise it would continue to eat into our relationship, and I loved him too much to let him go like that.
It was a Saturday. I wanted a day that wouldn't be busy, but as I was trying to explain why I wanted him to come over, he invited me round for dinner instead. I was nervous about that prospect, but it would have to do if I wanted to talk to him. Besides, there was something about his house I found really peaceful. Perhaps that would help settle me.
It was after dinner when we were sitting around drinking beer that I had my chance. I wasn't as nervous as I'd anticipated, though I think the beer probably had something to do with that. I stared at my feet, unsure how to begin.
“Andrew…”
“Something you want to tell me?”
I cringed at his tone that suggested he knew already. Maybe he didn't, but his tone suggested otherwise. “I wanted to tell you something, yes, and I'm not sure how you're going to take it, so please don't judge me, I just-”
“Settle down, Chris. It can't be that bad, can it?”
I sighed and tried to steady my nerves. “Andrew, I'm gay-”
“And this is a problem because?”
“Will you stop interrupting? This is really difficult for me to do, and I just need time to-”
“Sorry, I'll be quiet now. Continue.”
“What I was trying to say was that… I'm gay… and I'm in love with you. And I didn't mean to, I don't even know how it happened, and I don't want to scare you or anything, because this is so hard to say, because I don't know how you're going to react and I'm scared this will ruin things between us. I'd hate to see this come between us. I'm sorry, Andrew. I don't know why it-”
“Shh. It's alright, Chris. Settle down. You'll do a much better job when you're not talking at a thousand miles an hour. Now, take a deep breath and calm down. You'll need to do a better job than that to frighten me away,” Andrew said.
He cupped my cheek then and just looked into my eyes. I wanted to cry. How pathetic. He wasn't angry, or hurt, or anything really. But there was something in his eyes that broke me. “I'm in love with you, and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose you,” I said.
“You love me? Well, I must applaud your good taste for once then,” Andrew said with a smirk.
“Andrew, please,” I started.
“Chris, tell me. What do you want me to say? 'Oh my God, I've been waiting forever for you. Come to me, my love!' It doesn't always work like that. It must've been hard to admit it though, and I am glad you did. I did suspect, you know. You're not exactly subtle, Chris,” Andrew said.
“I don't know what I expected. Every time I went over this in my head, the response changed and got even more extreme. But I thought you should know, and then leave it in your hands. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. That was what I was most scared of. Losing you and scaring you away and never seeing you again,” I said, turning away from him.
“Come on, cheer up, Chris. I'm not angry with you. You're allowed to love someone, you know,” Andrew said.
“Even you?”
“Even me.”
“I'm not sure I ever want to know if you love me back. The knowledge would kill me,” I said.
“You'd deny yourself happiness?” Andrew said, almost amused.
“I've been denying myself happiness all my life. What more is this to a lifetime of misery?” I was quite possibly sounding more despondent than I had intended. I wasn't trying to guilt trip him at all, and I hoped he wasn't reacting to me because of that. I didn't want to manipulate a relationship out of him. I might be a jerk, but you don't go coercing relationships, no matter how much you want them. He means too much to me to do that to him.
“I didn't realise you were so upset, Chris. Surely there's more to your life than sadness,” Andrew said.
“Not really. I mean, I try and be happy, but there are times when the loneliness just closes in and engulfs me,” I admitted.
“I wish I could help. I don't like seeing you so miserable,” Andrew said.
“If you were my ideal Andrew, I'd spend the rest of my life with you, and that would be all I'd need to be happy. But I can't expect you to return my feelings, so I won't say anything more of them. I'm sure I'll find someone else to spend my life with,” I said.
“Look, Chris, if I could honestly say I loved you, I would. As it stands, I'm still trying to work out if I'm capable of falling in love with another man. You have to understand that this is totally new territory for me, and yes, it scares me. It scares me shitless. I don't want to commit to you if it turns out I can't love you the way you want me to love you. That would hurt you too much; I know that pain all too well and I don't want to put you through what I went through. Give me time, okay? Some of the things we've done… I need to sort out how I felt about that. Until you started, I had quite forgotten I even had any attraction to men at all. I'd pushed it to the back of my mind as I was happy enough with women. But now, I need to know if I'm really gay, or if it's just you. Because I still love women. But you're messing with my head and I don't like it. Well, I do, but I don't. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. I don't love you right now, but I might in the future. That's the best I can do right now,” Andrew said.
I was both elated and crushed by his answer. There was hope, but I was probably stupid to expect him to immediately fall to his knees and proclaim his love for me as soon as I confessed. It was better than outright rejection, at any rate. “It's okay. I didn't expect you to confess your unbounding love for me anyway. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship this way, that's all.”
“Please, I'm not that much of a jerk, Taylor,” Andrew said, stifling a laugh.
I remained silent for a while, unsure what to do next. I stared at the ground and Andrew looked everywhere but at me.
“So, where do we go from here?” I said, speaking at last.
Andrew turned to face me. “Kiss me. I want to know if things will be different when we're here alone than at work filming.”
I wanted to reply, but something told me not to. I cupped his cheek and kissed him. I didn't rush, much as I was excited and nervous. I could tell he was nervous too. It wasn't the greatest kiss ever, but we got more confident the longer we kissed. He pulled away slowly, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. He took my hand loosely. Perhaps he was scared I was going to jump him or something.
“Are you alright, Andrew?” I said.
“I shouldn't like it, but I do. What do I do? I don't know what to do because you're confusing me and I wish it would stop so I could just be… not confused again,” he said after a moment's thought.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to confuse you. I probably shouldn't have said anything. Christ, I was afraid of this. Forget I said anything. I'm just causing trouble,” I said, backing off as fast as I could.
He grabbed my shoulders and forced our eyes to meet. “You keep misunderstanding me. This is something I've been curious about for a while now. And you know when we made out in front of them all, in the face of Craig's sneering disgust? We both know what we felt then. It's just… I've never felt this attracted to a guy before. I don't know how to reconcile this. I'm not gay, you know? So why do you bring out the same arousal in me that girls do?”
“I wish I had an answer, Hansen. I don't know why I fell for you any more than I know why you're attracted to me. There's just… It's you, Andrew. You're just amazing. And I could wax lyrical about it like some lovesick puppy, but I won't. I love you for who you are. Maybe it's the same for you. That's the best answer I can give you,” I said.
“I'm a skinny, weedy little bloke. Why should I fall for you of all people?” Andrew said.
“How should I know? Maybe it's me you're falling for, not the fact that I'm a guy,” I suggested.
“So I should ignore the fact that you're a fat hairy animal and just concentrate on your flawed personality, then?”
“If that's what it takes, yes. If you want to explore this with me, we'll go as fast as you want. It's not like I'm all that experienced either. I've never had a relationship with a guy before, so this is all new for me too. But I'll let you go if you decide you can't do this. I'd hate to make you unhappy,” I said.
“Oh, so you've… you've never…” He wanted to say it, but he hesitated.
“Fucked guys? No, never. Had anal? A few times, but only with girls. I've never been brave enough to hook up with guys. Too scared of being outed,” I said.
“Oh, cos some of your friends are gay, aren't they?” Andrew said.
“I can't go to the places they go. They'd find out for sure,” I said.
“Well then. We'll just have to take things slowly. I'm scared, but maybe we can make this work,” he said.
“I'm scared too, but yes. Maybe we can,” I said, not willing to commit to anything else.
“So, are you coming out to everyone now? Or am I just the lucky one who gets to know?” Andrew said.
“Only you and Craig know at the moment. I don't know why I told him first. My gut said I could trust him. He told me to tell you next, actually. I was going to leave you til last. I was terrified of messing up. He also said I shouldn't burden you with everything all at once. I don't think I achieved that, did I?” I said.
“No, not really, but I'm glad you told me. It means a lot, you know? I hope you'll be less miserable now. I hate seeing you so upset. I've seen the loneliness in your eyes, you know. You never mention it, but I can see it. You've spent a lot of your life being lonely, haven't you?” Andrew said.
“When you know you're different, but can't tell anyone, it tears you up inside. You pull away from everyone. It's so hard to pretend you're interested in a girl for very long before you just have to run away and hide again. I just can't sustain fake desire forever. If any of them ever twigged, they never said anything, though. I-”
“Don't worry about it, alright? We'll see if we can make anything of this, hey? Kiss me again?” he said.
I smiled and let him kiss me, pulling him close as we kissed.
Charles came home then. I'd forgotten he was staying with Andrew. Those two are almost inseparable. I freaked out. I still don't know why. I saw him come into the lounge, smiling at us, out of the corner of my eye. It was enough to stop our kissing. He had some shopping bags with him. He'd been buying some groceries. Before he could even say hello, I'd panicked and run out of the house, embarrassed at being caught kissing Andrew.
I ran down the street and sunk to the ground by a wall. I wanted to die. I cried, hoping the road would open up and swallow me. I don't know how much time passed before Andrew found me though. He lifted my head up and stared into my eyes. I don't think I could've looked any more pathetic if I'd tried.
“Hey, are you alright? Look, don't worry about it. Charles isn't upset, I'm not upset. Come back, love. It'll be alright, I promise,” Andrew said.
“I never got a chance to tell him. I wanted to come out on my own terms, not be outed like that. Christ, I'm so embarrassed. Maybe I should go home,” I said.
“Don't go home. Come back and tell Charles. I didn't tell him anything, alright? I wanted to make sure you were okay, and this is something I think you need to tell him, not me,” Andrew said.
“I forgot he was staying with you. He's not going to be mad, is he? That I love you?” I said.
“Why would he be mad about that? We're best mates, Chris. Unless he secretly harbours feelings for me too, then he has no reason to be jealous of us. You're under no obligation to tell him about us if you don't want to, but he did see us kissing, so perhaps he does deserve to know about that,” Andrew said.
“Maybe he does. I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore,” I said.
Andrew kissed me then. I almost fought him, but his touch was comforting. “Come back inside, love. It's getting cold.”
I nodded and let him pull me to my feet. With his arm around my waist, he led me back to his house. Charles was watching TV and having a beer. He didn't seem to be worried. Andrew sat me down next to him and left us alone. Perhaps he thought I'd appreciate a moment alone to tell him.
“Didn't know I was that scary, Taylor. You alright?” Charles said.
“Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Look, you weren't supposed to see that, I-”
“Do I look worried? So you love Hansen. It's not like it wasn't obvious. Just look after him, okay? If you ever hurt him, you're in big trouble,” Charles said.
If I needed any further indication of how close Charles and Andrew were, that was it. I knew Charles wasn't kidding, either. I'd be in for it if I ever hurt Andrew. You don't go messing with Charles like that. And it wasn't even that Andrew needed protecting, Charles was just incredibly loyal and protective of him. I learnt that very quickly. I almost regret missing their uni years together, but I was otherwise occupied and in another state. Sometimes I still feel like I don't belong because of that, but it's a feeling that never lasts longer than a fleeting moment now.
“How have you been around enough to notice that?” I said.
“Chris, you're as subtle as a bull in a china shop. Everyone knows. You're terrible at hiding your affections. Next time, try harder. No one will be surprised to hear you've hooked up at last. It was only a matter of time,” Charles said.
“Well, that'll make the job easier won't it?” I said with a sigh.
“And what do you mean by that?” Charles said, though I had a sneaking suspicion he already knew.
“I'm gay, but you've probably figured that out already. Just… It's time I came out and said it, instead of pretending to be something I'm not,” I said. Perhaps I'd gain confidence the more times I said it.
“Yeah, see, I thought you might be. I did wonder, the first time we met. Nice to have it finally confirmed. I did wonder why you were so shit at relationships,” Charles said.
“Well, I might still be shit at relationships, but at least I won't have to pretend to be interested in women anymore,” I said.
“Yes, I'm sure that will help immensely. Now, are we done here? What say we drink some beer and watch movies all night?” Charles said.
“Um, yeah, that might be nice.” It was lame, I know, but I could think of little else to say.
“Go get loverboy and grab some beer, then,” Charles said, handing me his empty bottle.
I was still not used to his carefree attitude to it all. It shouldn't be this simple, should it? Shouldn't there be someone who freaks out and never talks to you again? Maybe, for once in my life, I have the best friends I could ever hope for.
I took his bottle, dropped it in the kitchen and went to find Andrew. He was in his room, reading on his bed. He looked up as I entered and smiled at me.
“Everything alright?” Andrew said.
“Yeah, yeah, Charles wants to get pissed and watch movies all night. He took the news better than I had thought he would. You coming?” I said.
“How bout you get him some beer and come back here for a while? Then we'll go watch movies,” Andrew said.
I caught his real intention clearly. With a knowing nod, I left him to get Charles some beer. “Back soon, love,” I said as I departed.
Once Charles had been dealt with, I returned to Andrew's room, seeing him lounging on his bed, waiting for me. I smiled as I entered and closed the door, walking towards him.
I must admit I had never planned for this point. I never expected it would happen. Truly, I'd have been happy enough to lie there and just be together. I think I was just as scared of intimacy as he was. I slid onto his bed, wondering how far we'd go. I lay there looking at him as he turned and looked at me. It was quiet. It was as if it was just us and the Universe present. Nothing else existed.
“I'm glad you came back,” Andrew said.
“I'm glad you don't hate me,” I said.
“See, people think I'm emo, but I've got nothing on you, Tayls,” Andrew said with a laugh.
“I've spent too long being unloved. I can't even remember what first attracted me to you. You're special, Andrew. Charles said I wasn't allowed to hurt you or I'd be in trouble,” I said, smiling.
“Yeah, Charles is good like that. He's gotten me through some tough times, he has. I often wonder if I'd still be here if it wasn't for his friendship,” Andrew said.
“Be glad you are here. He's a great friend. You're lucky to have him,” I said.
“Yeah. Gotta love Charles,” Andrew said.
“It was like getting permission to date you from your parents. Can't go near you without his blessings,” I said.
“He can be a bit overprotective at times, yes. It's one of his endearing qualities. He's stubbornly loyal. I love having him back in the country. I really did miss him while he was away,” Andrew said.
“We noticed, Andrew,” I said.
“Was it that obvious?” Andrew said, blushing despite himself.
“Saw it in your eyes. It was obvious there even if it wasn't anywhere else,” I said. “You really love him, don't you?”
“Best mate in the whole entire world,” Andrew said dreamily.
I smiled. Their bond was obvious to everyone. I don't like my chances of coming between them, nor am I sure I want to. But Andrew's managed to have girlfriends before and Charles is married, and they're still mates. Yet I can't help but worry what impact any eventual relationship we have will do to their friendship. I have to tread carefully here. I don't want them to break apart because Andrew and I are together.
“So, what happens now?” I said, unsure how to proceed.
“Well, for a start, you could kiss me and see where that leads,” Andrew offered.
“I think I can manage that,” I said.
It was a slow kiss, warm and wet and curious. It was definitely different to the other times we'd kissed. It was just us, as we were, and nothing else mattered. We moved closer together, our bodies touching, and the sudden warmth was intoxicating. My hands moved cautiously, not wanting to scare him. His fingers moved tentatively up my side. I avoided going anywhere near his groin in case he wasn't comfortable with that just yet.
Turned out he was braver than I. He was the one who touched me first. I was too distracted by his kissing to be able to watch those beautiful fingers of his unzip my jeans and slip inside. But we stopped kissing as he experimented, and I watched him then. I think he may have been shocked by how turned on I was. He lay me on my back and slipped my jeans down my thighs. And then he lay beside me, propped up on one arm, and began stroking me, studying my face closely. He was so slow and gentle. I watched those fingers attentively. I loved the way they curled around me so elegantly. There was nothing dirty about what he was doing. It was exquisite.
I couldn't help reaching a hand over to squeeze him through his jeans, pressing my palm against what I could tell was a growing erection. Soon he was whimpering and begging me to touch him. I've never seen a man undress faster, actually. His desire was obvious, but whether it would lead to love, I didn't know. But soon after that we were both naked and he was straddling me, grinding against me as he kissed me.
We'd never done this naked before. Anything we'd done in the past had always been while we were still clothed, and rushed. We had privacy now and all the time in the world. Perhaps that was why he was feeling braver. He was pinning me to the bed, actually, as if he was suddenly in charge. I didn't tell him how much that turned me on either.
In spite of his desire, he wasn't ready for sex, and neither was I, really. A part of my mind wanted to fuck him so badly, but I could tell I'd be pushing things too far if I tried to coerce him into it, so I settled with kissing, grinding and stroking his dick. Either way, we got each other off.
He lay there in my arms afterwards, smelling of heat, sweat and sex. A shower before bed was Andrew's suggestion. We managed to sneak out without alerting Charles, and just stayed there under the hot water in each other's arms. That was all that mattered right then, just being together. He leant his head against my shoulder, and I ran my fingers through his wet hair. He was the most precious thing in the world to me right then, fragile and innocent and special and beautiful and all those other sappy things. I would die for him.
We didn't speak. We had nothing to say. It was surreal, really. He was still uncertain, but he seemed to trust me, and that responsibility was mind-blowing. I could not have imagined a more perfect series of events if I'd tried.
It took me a while to realise Andrew was crying. There was too much water and he wasn't making it obvious. I lifted his chin up and looked at him, wondering if I'd done something horribly wrong.
“Hey, what's wrong? Was it something I did?” I said, scared I'd gone too far.
“N-No, nothing like that. I just…” He sniffled and smiled. “I didn't know this would ever feel so perfect. Thank you. For everything.”
“I never expected this to happen, either. Thank you for not hating me and running away. Losing you would kill me,” I said.
He stared into my eyes then, as if he was trying to work out what I was thinking. “You really do love me as much as Charles does, don't you?” He said after a moment's thought, as if he'd just realised it.
“I do, yeah,” I said.
“Well then. I am a lucky boy, aren't I, to have you two looking after me,” he said and smiled.
“You are, yeah,” I said.
“Tell me. What would you have done if I'd rejected you?”
“I'd have been upset, sure, but I'd have accepted it. I can't make you love me, and I wouldn't dare try. If you can't do that, I'll let you go and find someone else.”
“You're so masculine. Girls don't feel like this.”
“I am a man, Andrew. It's not that surprising.”
“I bet I feel like a girl to you though.” He looked down, as if ashamed somehow.
“You don't. You feel like a man, like I always thought you would. You're beautiful, Andrew.”
He blushed then, and I had to smile. He was all shy now. It was rather adorable.
“You're allowed to be scared and nervous, Hansen. I can tell you I'm just as scared as you are,” I said.
“I…”
I pulled him into a hug again and held him tight. We were both at the start of a path we'd never walked down before. We had every right to be fucking terrified. But at that moment, in that shower, having him in my arms, we were safe from the world and its dangers.
We went back to his room eventually. On the way, we peered in at Charles to find him slumped on the couch, asleep, TV showing nothing but snow. Silently, we cleared away the bottles, turned the TV off and gently placed a blanket over his still figure. Then we crept back to Andrew's room and curled up under the covers together.
I woke to find our fingers entwined and bright morning sunshine caressing his beautiful body. I gently kissed his forehead and lay beside him, closing my eyes and going back to sleep, unable to remember the last time I was this happy.
Part Two continues here.
Title: Brave New Worlds
Author: sashataakheru
Fandom: The Chaser RPS
Starring: Chris Taylor, Craig Reucassel, Andrew Hansen, Julian Morrow, Chas Licciardello, Charles Firth, Dominic Knight
Pairings: Chris/Andrew, implied Jules/Chas
Chapters: 1/2
Rating: FRM
Word Count: 7,103 [14,838 overall]
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I'm in no way associated with the guys or the ABC, and the contents herein should not be taken as fact. Ever.
Prompt: #659. RPF - The Chaser: Chris Taylor. There have been rumours for years about him being gay, in spite of his best efforts to cover his trail. When and why and to whom does he finally decide to out himself, and how does the rest of the group react?
Summary: It's been a lifetime of hiding, lying, denying what he really is. The love clutching his heart is demanding to be realised. But will coming out ruin everything and just make him more miserable, or will it be the thing that finally brings him the happiness he's been searching for his whole life?
Warnings (if any): real people, boykissing + a bit of making out, swearing, long winded first person ramblings to make up for my inability to write pretentious!Chris
Author's Notes (if any): First person: Chris' POV. These are my boys, in case you're unfamiliar with them. Also, apologies for length. Chris wouldn't shut up. XD
I always knew I was gay, even if I never told anyone. I learnt very quickly that I shouldn't tell anyone. I'd be even more of a disappointment than I'd end up being, or at least that was the impression I got as a kid. I was never all that butch, I always preferred more intellectual pursuits than anything, and private schooling did me no favours. I had my fair share of beatings, as if it proved anything other than that I was different. I suppose some people are right in calling me pretentious. It's not like I'm a completely pathetic human being. There are times where I wonder if the pretentiousness is a front for my fears of being outed. Maybe I was just born this way.
The problem with being gay is that it ruins everything. I was always too scared to come out, so the few chances I did have slipped me by, so I was forced to lie all the time and pretend I actually cared about the girls I went out with. I sometimes wondered if I'd left it too late, that if I somehow found the strength to come out that it'd be too late and I might as well go kill myself, or hide away in a cave.
The fear was always there, preventing me from saying anything. No one will approve. It'll be too hard to come out and not be disowned by everyone I care about. My life will be over. The arguments run around in your head like unabating white noise, always whispering away and fuelling the fear in my heart. I can't win. I can't silence their voices. In time you start to listen to them, which only makes you even more imprisoned in your own skin than before.
Is it usual to think the worst about such scenarios? Or is it that the horror stories are the most powerful and the most disturbing and those have taken precedence over the happy stories where children are embraced by their parents and their friends and work colleagues and they never have any problems ever again?
I try and avoid the negativity and the stories of kids being disowned and kicked out of home and bashed and killed and left for dead, but it's hard when it seems to be so common. Indeed, some feel the need to wallow in the mistreatment and the victim mentality, as if vying for peoples' pity will make things better. I'm not sure I buy that tactic anymore, and all it does is create fear in those still hiding away, making the outside world seem like the most dangerous place. I won't deny there is still prejudice, but surely a few positive stories and a positive mindset wouldn't hurt their cause. Deciding to come out is seen as even more daunting when faced with such a negative atmosphere.
I'm getting older every day. The more success I have, the less I wanted to come out to avoid totally ruining my life. I know some have come out lately and not had any backlash for it, but it’s a risk I wasn't sure I want to take, even though it meant playing straight to varying degrees of success. I kept asking myself how much longer I could do this, play this charade, before I went mad.
I was surprised no one had picked it already, though to be fair, there had been talk for years, suspicion and rumour and chatter about my sexuality. It disturbed me. I'd laugh it off and pretend it didn't affect me, but it did. Constant suspicion makes one paranoid, and I got paranoid about being outed, even if I never showed it. One takes the mockery in one's stride, and hides the pain away. I suppose I may have done myself a disservice with Andrew and some of the sketches we did together, though. Trying to shake people's perceptions of you as gay are not helped by doing Brokeback Mountain sketches, or, as Craig put it, writing sketches where I get to go into really secretive places with Andrew. This is why I don't do DVD commentary.
I perhaps should've been more careful if I didn't want to arouse people's suspicions. A comedy sketch is apparently no safe disguise. I thought I could hide there, but I fear that's backfired on me. People are far more perceptive than I've previously given them credit for.
It was that that made me decide to come out at last. Living with unrequited love, when you see your soul mate every day, grates on you like nothing else. In the end, I just couldn't stand the longing any more. I needed Andrew too badly to wait any longer. That I'd broken up with yet another girl a few weeks beforehand, which Andrew insisted on comforting me about, also had a lot to do with it. I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't upset because of her. It was because I couldn't have him. He knew there was something else troubling me though. I danced around the issue, pretending it was someone else I really wanted. I ended up in tears, his arms around me, sitting on his couch wishing so very much that the Universe would see fit to give me Andrew to make all the misery end.
I went home the next day and knew I couldn't hide any more. My feelings for Andrew were getting too strong, and I couldn't cope with it any longer. I spent that evening alone in bed, terrified of losing everything, but knowing I had no other choice. If I wanted Andrew, silently asking the Universe to give him to me wouldn't work. I'd have to stand up and be a man and fight for him, even if it didn't work in the end. I had to come out. A small part of me was quite convinced that none of them would mind, but that fear returned with a vengeance, and it took a long time to get over it. It's still with me now. I'm not sure it'll ever leave.
I thought long and hard about who should be the first person I told. As much as I wanted Andrew, the very thought of telling him first terrified me. I needed a practice run first. In the end, though my mate Chris would've been the logical choice being openly gay himself, I decided on Craig. For some reason, I felt he was the only one I could trust with this, since the other half of the issue was Andrew. I set a date two weeks away and spent the time worrying over what I should do. I couldn't just invite him over for dinner. That would be too formal, and make me even more nervous than I knew I already would be. Should I just invite him over for drinks? Maybe I should tell him why I want him to come over, that I have something important to tell him. He needs to know I'm serious at any rate.
Two days before, having not had any better ideas, I called him up and asked him to come over, that I needed him. I knew he'd respond to that. We knew each other well enough to know that that would be enough to tell him that what I wanted was serious. I'd only pulled it on him a few times, but it was enough. He always responded when I told him I needed him. Perhaps he just really felt sorry for me. Maybe I'm just that pathetic.
That night, he came over -- he insisted, because apparently I sounded quite upset and needy and he couldn't wait two days, and I shat myself with nerves. I'd had a beer or two beforehand, quite possibly drunk too quickly, but the nerves all came back when I opened the door to him. He pulled me into a hug. He must've guessed I was nervous, drunk, or both.
It was after I'd grabbed us drinks and we were sitting on my bed together that things turned to why I'd asked him over. It was true that outside of work, we usually didn't spend much time together, but I needed Craig right then, and I don't think I'd have been able to tell anyone else first off.
“So, there was something you wanted to tell me?” he said, as if knowing I needed prodding.
I took a swig of beer before speaking. I might as well just out and say it, otherwise I'll pussyfoot around the issue all night and never actually say it. “'Craig, I'm gay, and I'm in love with Andrew.” I inhaled as I watched his face, waiting for his reaction. I figured I'd tell him everything. He'd help me work out what to do.
“Oh, is that all? Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I kinda guessed when I was watching you mauling Andrew before, you know? I figured there was something going on there. Does Andrew know?” Craig said, and I was surprised at how okay he was with it. He reached over and grabbed my hand, as if it was the only gesture he could think of to do.
“No, no he doesn't. Or at least, I don't think he does. He hasn't said anything. I never told him because I didn't want it ruining things between us,” I said.
“Hmm, I can understand that I suppose. Are you going to tell him?” Craig said.
“Maybe. I'm scared he'll hate me though. You don't know how hard it is being in love with him and never being able to fulfil that love. But he's straight, so what chance do I have with him anyway?” I said.
“Oh, I wouldn't write him off yet. You haven't even told him. You don't know how he's going to react until you get off your arse and tell him,” Craig said. “And don't be scared of rejection. You should know us all well enough by now. Do any of us strike you as homophobic enough to reject you outright because you're gay?”
“No, but – I could lose everything. My job, my career, my friends, family, everything. Coming out is not an easy decision to make. You don't understand just how much effort is going into telling you. I've hidden it for so long, you know? I even tried to deny it at times as well. That didn't make me any happier. I was hoping you guys wouldn't have any problems with it, but there's always that niggling feeling that the shit's going to hit the fan and you'll be rejected and lose everything. It's a fear that's very hard to ignore,” I said.
Of all the things Craig could've done to show me he didn't care, what he did then was hug me, the same as he always did, as if nothing had changed. I've seen it happen before, how after you come out to your friends, they pull away and don't know how to react to you, as if touching you is suddenly inappropriate and might turn them gay, or God forbid, somehow make you aroused, as if gay men are immediately turned on simply by touching other men. It's an unfortunate myth that takes some breaking. Guys aren't that affectionate in the first place. Coming out only distances them further, and that was something I was keen to avoid.
“Silly boy, you know full well we'd never reject you. You know we've got gay friends, so why should you think we'd have an issue with it?” Craig said.
“I dunno, maybe, I haven't exactly been very good at playing straight, you know. I was afraid you'd think I'd crossed the line somewhere,” I said.
“Chris, we'd have told you if you were being too gay with us. Besides, it's all in the context of the show. If you'd hit on me in other circumstances, I'd have a different take on things. It's not like we're not all effeminate nerds anyway, so you don't exactly stand out,” Craig said.
“I was never going to tell you this, but I may have crushed on you once. You're a very beautiful man, Craig, which I'm sure you well know, and if circumstances were different, and you were in a position to be interested, I might've been brave enough to buy you a drink one night. But things being as they are, I kept my distance. You were always unattainable. I didn't want to ruin your life. I'm not so completely heartless that I'd try and steal you away from your wife like some perverted teenage fangirl. I'm well aware of boundaries, Craig, and I always try my hardest not to cross them,” I said.
“I'm both flattered and weirded out by that, Chris, but I trust you. You might be a pathetic human being, but I trust you. I just hope coming out brings you some happiness. I do worry about your mental state sometimes. It'd be good to see you happy and not living alone anymore,” Craig said.
“I do get lonely sometimes, much as I hate to admit it. It's hard living the life you don't want to lead. Girls are nice, but there's just no desire there, you know?” I said.
“Not really, but I can guess. I won't tell anyone, not unless you say so, okay?” Craig said.
“Thanks. I'm not even sure if this is the right time, but there's no going back now. I can't keep pretending to be straight anymore,” I said.
“You don't have to come out to everyone at once. One person at a time, yes?” Craig said.
“Yeah, one at a time. Should I tell Andrew next? Or leave him til last?” I said, unsure how soon I wanted to have to face up to my feelings for him.
“Up to you, mate. If you feel better telling him last, tell him last. But it might be worth considering that he might feel hurt, being the last to know, especially when you go and lump your feelings for him on top of that. Be careful not to simply overwhelm him with this,” Craig said.
“I've run through the whole scenario in my head so many times it feels like I've already done it. I don't know how best to approach him. Should I even tell him at all? Or would it just ruin things completely? I don't want this to be the issue that drives us apart. I love you guys, but if this is going to do more harm than good, I might as well shut up now,” I said.
“Only Andrew can give you his answer. Maybe you should tell him next. If it's going to cause trouble, you need to get this over with sooner rather than later. Do you need me for moral support, or will you be fine on your own?” Craig said.
“Please, I'd rather do this alone. At least with Andrew. I need to handle it carefully, and there are some things I need to say to him that are for his ears only. I hope you understand,” I said.
“It's okay, it was just an offer. You do what you need to do,” Craig said. “And hey, whatever happens, I've got your back, okay? You need me for anything, you give me a call and I'll be there.”
“Thanks,” was all I could say. I smiled at him, grateful for his friendship.
He pulled me into another hug then. I hugged him back. I wanted to cry. I wonder if he noticed.
“Don't worry. You'll be alright, Chris,” he murmured to me.
I just held him tight. I never wanted that moment to end.
I approached Andrew a few days later, filled with panic. I had no idea how he was going to react. I wasn't just telling him I was gay, I was also admitting I loved him, and I didn't know how he'd react to that. I knew he was straight, or at least he never gave me any indicators to think otherwise. Why would he return my feelings? I didn't like my chances, but Craig had been right. I needed to tell him, otherwise it would continue to eat into our relationship, and I loved him too much to let him go like that.
It was a Saturday. I wanted a day that wouldn't be busy, but as I was trying to explain why I wanted him to come over, he invited me round for dinner instead. I was nervous about that prospect, but it would have to do if I wanted to talk to him. Besides, there was something about his house I found really peaceful. Perhaps that would help settle me.
It was after dinner when we were sitting around drinking beer that I had my chance. I wasn't as nervous as I'd anticipated, though I think the beer probably had something to do with that. I stared at my feet, unsure how to begin.
“Andrew…”
“Something you want to tell me?”
I cringed at his tone that suggested he knew already. Maybe he didn't, but his tone suggested otherwise. “I wanted to tell you something, yes, and I'm not sure how you're going to take it, so please don't judge me, I just-”
“Settle down, Chris. It can't be that bad, can it?”
I sighed and tried to steady my nerves. “Andrew, I'm gay-”
“And this is a problem because?”
“Will you stop interrupting? This is really difficult for me to do, and I just need time to-”
“Sorry, I'll be quiet now. Continue.”
“What I was trying to say was that… I'm gay… and I'm in love with you. And I didn't mean to, I don't even know how it happened, and I don't want to scare you or anything, because this is so hard to say, because I don't know how you're going to react and I'm scared this will ruin things between us. I'd hate to see this come between us. I'm sorry, Andrew. I don't know why it-”
“Shh. It's alright, Chris. Settle down. You'll do a much better job when you're not talking at a thousand miles an hour. Now, take a deep breath and calm down. You'll need to do a better job than that to frighten me away,” Andrew said.
He cupped my cheek then and just looked into my eyes. I wanted to cry. How pathetic. He wasn't angry, or hurt, or anything really. But there was something in his eyes that broke me. “I'm in love with you, and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose you,” I said.
“You love me? Well, I must applaud your good taste for once then,” Andrew said with a smirk.
“Andrew, please,” I started.
“Chris, tell me. What do you want me to say? 'Oh my God, I've been waiting forever for you. Come to me, my love!' It doesn't always work like that. It must've been hard to admit it though, and I am glad you did. I did suspect, you know. You're not exactly subtle, Chris,” Andrew said.
“I don't know what I expected. Every time I went over this in my head, the response changed and got even more extreme. But I thought you should know, and then leave it in your hands. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. That was what I was most scared of. Losing you and scaring you away and never seeing you again,” I said, turning away from him.
“Come on, cheer up, Chris. I'm not angry with you. You're allowed to love someone, you know,” Andrew said.
“Even you?”
“Even me.”
“I'm not sure I ever want to know if you love me back. The knowledge would kill me,” I said.
“You'd deny yourself happiness?” Andrew said, almost amused.
“I've been denying myself happiness all my life. What more is this to a lifetime of misery?” I was quite possibly sounding more despondent than I had intended. I wasn't trying to guilt trip him at all, and I hoped he wasn't reacting to me because of that. I didn't want to manipulate a relationship out of him. I might be a jerk, but you don't go coercing relationships, no matter how much you want them. He means too much to me to do that to him.
“I didn't realise you were so upset, Chris. Surely there's more to your life than sadness,” Andrew said.
“Not really. I mean, I try and be happy, but there are times when the loneliness just closes in and engulfs me,” I admitted.
“I wish I could help. I don't like seeing you so miserable,” Andrew said.
“If you were my ideal Andrew, I'd spend the rest of my life with you, and that would be all I'd need to be happy. But I can't expect you to return my feelings, so I won't say anything more of them. I'm sure I'll find someone else to spend my life with,” I said.
“Look, Chris, if I could honestly say I loved you, I would. As it stands, I'm still trying to work out if I'm capable of falling in love with another man. You have to understand that this is totally new territory for me, and yes, it scares me. It scares me shitless. I don't want to commit to you if it turns out I can't love you the way you want me to love you. That would hurt you too much; I know that pain all too well and I don't want to put you through what I went through. Give me time, okay? Some of the things we've done… I need to sort out how I felt about that. Until you started, I had quite forgotten I even had any attraction to men at all. I'd pushed it to the back of my mind as I was happy enough with women. But now, I need to know if I'm really gay, or if it's just you. Because I still love women. But you're messing with my head and I don't like it. Well, I do, but I don't. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. I don't love you right now, but I might in the future. That's the best I can do right now,” Andrew said.
I was both elated and crushed by his answer. There was hope, but I was probably stupid to expect him to immediately fall to his knees and proclaim his love for me as soon as I confessed. It was better than outright rejection, at any rate. “It's okay. I didn't expect you to confess your unbounding love for me anyway. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship this way, that's all.”
“Please, I'm not that much of a jerk, Taylor,” Andrew said, stifling a laugh.
I remained silent for a while, unsure what to do next. I stared at the ground and Andrew looked everywhere but at me.
“So, where do we go from here?” I said, speaking at last.
Andrew turned to face me. “Kiss me. I want to know if things will be different when we're here alone than at work filming.”
I wanted to reply, but something told me not to. I cupped his cheek and kissed him. I didn't rush, much as I was excited and nervous. I could tell he was nervous too. It wasn't the greatest kiss ever, but we got more confident the longer we kissed. He pulled away slowly, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. He took my hand loosely. Perhaps he was scared I was going to jump him or something.
“Are you alright, Andrew?” I said.
“I shouldn't like it, but I do. What do I do? I don't know what to do because you're confusing me and I wish it would stop so I could just be… not confused again,” he said after a moment's thought.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to confuse you. I probably shouldn't have said anything. Christ, I was afraid of this. Forget I said anything. I'm just causing trouble,” I said, backing off as fast as I could.
He grabbed my shoulders and forced our eyes to meet. “You keep misunderstanding me. This is something I've been curious about for a while now. And you know when we made out in front of them all, in the face of Craig's sneering disgust? We both know what we felt then. It's just… I've never felt this attracted to a guy before. I don't know how to reconcile this. I'm not gay, you know? So why do you bring out the same arousal in me that girls do?”
“I wish I had an answer, Hansen. I don't know why I fell for you any more than I know why you're attracted to me. There's just… It's you, Andrew. You're just amazing. And I could wax lyrical about it like some lovesick puppy, but I won't. I love you for who you are. Maybe it's the same for you. That's the best answer I can give you,” I said.
“I'm a skinny, weedy little bloke. Why should I fall for you of all people?” Andrew said.
“How should I know? Maybe it's me you're falling for, not the fact that I'm a guy,” I suggested.
“So I should ignore the fact that you're a fat hairy animal and just concentrate on your flawed personality, then?”
“If that's what it takes, yes. If you want to explore this with me, we'll go as fast as you want. It's not like I'm all that experienced either. I've never had a relationship with a guy before, so this is all new for me too. But I'll let you go if you decide you can't do this. I'd hate to make you unhappy,” I said.
“Oh, so you've… you've never…” He wanted to say it, but he hesitated.
“Fucked guys? No, never. Had anal? A few times, but only with girls. I've never been brave enough to hook up with guys. Too scared of being outed,” I said.
“Oh, cos some of your friends are gay, aren't they?” Andrew said.
“I can't go to the places they go. They'd find out for sure,” I said.
“Well then. We'll just have to take things slowly. I'm scared, but maybe we can make this work,” he said.
“I'm scared too, but yes. Maybe we can,” I said, not willing to commit to anything else.
“So, are you coming out to everyone now? Or am I just the lucky one who gets to know?” Andrew said.
“Only you and Craig know at the moment. I don't know why I told him first. My gut said I could trust him. He told me to tell you next, actually. I was going to leave you til last. I was terrified of messing up. He also said I shouldn't burden you with everything all at once. I don't think I achieved that, did I?” I said.
“No, not really, but I'm glad you told me. It means a lot, you know? I hope you'll be less miserable now. I hate seeing you so upset. I've seen the loneliness in your eyes, you know. You never mention it, but I can see it. You've spent a lot of your life being lonely, haven't you?” Andrew said.
“When you know you're different, but can't tell anyone, it tears you up inside. You pull away from everyone. It's so hard to pretend you're interested in a girl for very long before you just have to run away and hide again. I just can't sustain fake desire forever. If any of them ever twigged, they never said anything, though. I-”
“Don't worry about it, alright? We'll see if we can make anything of this, hey? Kiss me again?” he said.
I smiled and let him kiss me, pulling him close as we kissed.
Charles came home then. I'd forgotten he was staying with Andrew. Those two are almost inseparable. I freaked out. I still don't know why. I saw him come into the lounge, smiling at us, out of the corner of my eye. It was enough to stop our kissing. He had some shopping bags with him. He'd been buying some groceries. Before he could even say hello, I'd panicked and run out of the house, embarrassed at being caught kissing Andrew.
I ran down the street and sunk to the ground by a wall. I wanted to die. I cried, hoping the road would open up and swallow me. I don't know how much time passed before Andrew found me though. He lifted my head up and stared into my eyes. I don't think I could've looked any more pathetic if I'd tried.
“Hey, are you alright? Look, don't worry about it. Charles isn't upset, I'm not upset. Come back, love. It'll be alright, I promise,” Andrew said.
“I never got a chance to tell him. I wanted to come out on my own terms, not be outed like that. Christ, I'm so embarrassed. Maybe I should go home,” I said.
“Don't go home. Come back and tell Charles. I didn't tell him anything, alright? I wanted to make sure you were okay, and this is something I think you need to tell him, not me,” Andrew said.
“I forgot he was staying with you. He's not going to be mad, is he? That I love you?” I said.
“Why would he be mad about that? We're best mates, Chris. Unless he secretly harbours feelings for me too, then he has no reason to be jealous of us. You're under no obligation to tell him about us if you don't want to, but he did see us kissing, so perhaps he does deserve to know about that,” Andrew said.
“Maybe he does. I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore,” I said.
Andrew kissed me then. I almost fought him, but his touch was comforting. “Come back inside, love. It's getting cold.”
I nodded and let him pull me to my feet. With his arm around my waist, he led me back to his house. Charles was watching TV and having a beer. He didn't seem to be worried. Andrew sat me down next to him and left us alone. Perhaps he thought I'd appreciate a moment alone to tell him.
“Didn't know I was that scary, Taylor. You alright?” Charles said.
“Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Look, you weren't supposed to see that, I-”
“Do I look worried? So you love Hansen. It's not like it wasn't obvious. Just look after him, okay? If you ever hurt him, you're in big trouble,” Charles said.
If I needed any further indication of how close Charles and Andrew were, that was it. I knew Charles wasn't kidding, either. I'd be in for it if I ever hurt Andrew. You don't go messing with Charles like that. And it wasn't even that Andrew needed protecting, Charles was just incredibly loyal and protective of him. I learnt that very quickly. I almost regret missing their uni years together, but I was otherwise occupied and in another state. Sometimes I still feel like I don't belong because of that, but it's a feeling that never lasts longer than a fleeting moment now.
“How have you been around enough to notice that?” I said.
“Chris, you're as subtle as a bull in a china shop. Everyone knows. You're terrible at hiding your affections. Next time, try harder. No one will be surprised to hear you've hooked up at last. It was only a matter of time,” Charles said.
“Well, that'll make the job easier won't it?” I said with a sigh.
“And what do you mean by that?” Charles said, though I had a sneaking suspicion he already knew.
“I'm gay, but you've probably figured that out already. Just… It's time I came out and said it, instead of pretending to be something I'm not,” I said. Perhaps I'd gain confidence the more times I said it.
“Yeah, see, I thought you might be. I did wonder, the first time we met. Nice to have it finally confirmed. I did wonder why you were so shit at relationships,” Charles said.
“Well, I might still be shit at relationships, but at least I won't have to pretend to be interested in women anymore,” I said.
“Yes, I'm sure that will help immensely. Now, are we done here? What say we drink some beer and watch movies all night?” Charles said.
“Um, yeah, that might be nice.” It was lame, I know, but I could think of little else to say.
“Go get loverboy and grab some beer, then,” Charles said, handing me his empty bottle.
I was still not used to his carefree attitude to it all. It shouldn't be this simple, should it? Shouldn't there be someone who freaks out and never talks to you again? Maybe, for once in my life, I have the best friends I could ever hope for.
I took his bottle, dropped it in the kitchen and went to find Andrew. He was in his room, reading on his bed. He looked up as I entered and smiled at me.
“Everything alright?” Andrew said.
“Yeah, yeah, Charles wants to get pissed and watch movies all night. He took the news better than I had thought he would. You coming?” I said.
“How bout you get him some beer and come back here for a while? Then we'll go watch movies,” Andrew said.
I caught his real intention clearly. With a knowing nod, I left him to get Charles some beer. “Back soon, love,” I said as I departed.
Once Charles had been dealt with, I returned to Andrew's room, seeing him lounging on his bed, waiting for me. I smiled as I entered and closed the door, walking towards him.
I must admit I had never planned for this point. I never expected it would happen. Truly, I'd have been happy enough to lie there and just be together. I think I was just as scared of intimacy as he was. I slid onto his bed, wondering how far we'd go. I lay there looking at him as he turned and looked at me. It was quiet. It was as if it was just us and the Universe present. Nothing else existed.
“I'm glad you came back,” Andrew said.
“I'm glad you don't hate me,” I said.
“See, people think I'm emo, but I've got nothing on you, Tayls,” Andrew said with a laugh.
“I've spent too long being unloved. I can't even remember what first attracted me to you. You're special, Andrew. Charles said I wasn't allowed to hurt you or I'd be in trouble,” I said, smiling.
“Yeah, Charles is good like that. He's gotten me through some tough times, he has. I often wonder if I'd still be here if it wasn't for his friendship,” Andrew said.
“Be glad you are here. He's a great friend. You're lucky to have him,” I said.
“Yeah. Gotta love Charles,” Andrew said.
“It was like getting permission to date you from your parents. Can't go near you without his blessings,” I said.
“He can be a bit overprotective at times, yes. It's one of his endearing qualities. He's stubbornly loyal. I love having him back in the country. I really did miss him while he was away,” Andrew said.
“We noticed, Andrew,” I said.
“Was it that obvious?” Andrew said, blushing despite himself.
“Saw it in your eyes. It was obvious there even if it wasn't anywhere else,” I said. “You really love him, don't you?”
“Best mate in the whole entire world,” Andrew said dreamily.
I smiled. Their bond was obvious to everyone. I don't like my chances of coming between them, nor am I sure I want to. But Andrew's managed to have girlfriends before and Charles is married, and they're still mates. Yet I can't help but worry what impact any eventual relationship we have will do to their friendship. I have to tread carefully here. I don't want them to break apart because Andrew and I are together.
“So, what happens now?” I said, unsure how to proceed.
“Well, for a start, you could kiss me and see where that leads,” Andrew offered.
“I think I can manage that,” I said.
It was a slow kiss, warm and wet and curious. It was definitely different to the other times we'd kissed. It was just us, as we were, and nothing else mattered. We moved closer together, our bodies touching, and the sudden warmth was intoxicating. My hands moved cautiously, not wanting to scare him. His fingers moved tentatively up my side. I avoided going anywhere near his groin in case he wasn't comfortable with that just yet.
Turned out he was braver than I. He was the one who touched me first. I was too distracted by his kissing to be able to watch those beautiful fingers of his unzip my jeans and slip inside. But we stopped kissing as he experimented, and I watched him then. I think he may have been shocked by how turned on I was. He lay me on my back and slipped my jeans down my thighs. And then he lay beside me, propped up on one arm, and began stroking me, studying my face closely. He was so slow and gentle. I watched those fingers attentively. I loved the way they curled around me so elegantly. There was nothing dirty about what he was doing. It was exquisite.
I couldn't help reaching a hand over to squeeze him through his jeans, pressing my palm against what I could tell was a growing erection. Soon he was whimpering and begging me to touch him. I've never seen a man undress faster, actually. His desire was obvious, but whether it would lead to love, I didn't know. But soon after that we were both naked and he was straddling me, grinding against me as he kissed me.
We'd never done this naked before. Anything we'd done in the past had always been while we were still clothed, and rushed. We had privacy now and all the time in the world. Perhaps that was why he was feeling braver. He was pinning me to the bed, actually, as if he was suddenly in charge. I didn't tell him how much that turned me on either.
In spite of his desire, he wasn't ready for sex, and neither was I, really. A part of my mind wanted to fuck him so badly, but I could tell I'd be pushing things too far if I tried to coerce him into it, so I settled with kissing, grinding and stroking his dick. Either way, we got each other off.
He lay there in my arms afterwards, smelling of heat, sweat and sex. A shower before bed was Andrew's suggestion. We managed to sneak out without alerting Charles, and just stayed there under the hot water in each other's arms. That was all that mattered right then, just being together. He leant his head against my shoulder, and I ran my fingers through his wet hair. He was the most precious thing in the world to me right then, fragile and innocent and special and beautiful and all those other sappy things. I would die for him.
We didn't speak. We had nothing to say. It was surreal, really. He was still uncertain, but he seemed to trust me, and that responsibility was mind-blowing. I could not have imagined a more perfect series of events if I'd tried.
It took me a while to realise Andrew was crying. There was too much water and he wasn't making it obvious. I lifted his chin up and looked at him, wondering if I'd done something horribly wrong.
“Hey, what's wrong? Was it something I did?” I said, scared I'd gone too far.
“N-No, nothing like that. I just…” He sniffled and smiled. “I didn't know this would ever feel so perfect. Thank you. For everything.”
“I never expected this to happen, either. Thank you for not hating me and running away. Losing you would kill me,” I said.
He stared into my eyes then, as if he was trying to work out what I was thinking. “You really do love me as much as Charles does, don't you?” He said after a moment's thought, as if he'd just realised it.
“I do, yeah,” I said.
“Well then. I am a lucky boy, aren't I, to have you two looking after me,” he said and smiled.
“You are, yeah,” I said.
“Tell me. What would you have done if I'd rejected you?”
“I'd have been upset, sure, but I'd have accepted it. I can't make you love me, and I wouldn't dare try. If you can't do that, I'll let you go and find someone else.”
“You're so masculine. Girls don't feel like this.”
“I am a man, Andrew. It's not that surprising.”
“I bet I feel like a girl to you though.” He looked down, as if ashamed somehow.
“You don't. You feel like a man, like I always thought you would. You're beautiful, Andrew.”
He blushed then, and I had to smile. He was all shy now. It was rather adorable.
“You're allowed to be scared and nervous, Hansen. I can tell you I'm just as scared as you are,” I said.
“I…”
I pulled him into a hug again and held him tight. We were both at the start of a path we'd never walked down before. We had every right to be fucking terrified. But at that moment, in that shower, having him in my arms, we were safe from the world and its dangers.
We went back to his room eventually. On the way, we peered in at Charles to find him slumped on the couch, asleep, TV showing nothing but snow. Silently, we cleared away the bottles, turned the TV off and gently placed a blanket over his still figure. Then we crept back to Andrew's room and curled up under the covers together.
I woke to find our fingers entwined and bright morning sunshine caressing his beautiful body. I gently kissed his forehead and lay beside him, closing my eyes and going back to sleep, unable to remember the last time I was this happy.
Part Two continues here.