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wolfanficsTitle: That Boy Named Sue
Author: Sashataakheru
Fandom: The Move/Electric Light Orchestra RPS
Starring: Roy Wood, FtM!Bev Bevan, Jeff Lynne
Pairings: Jeff Lynne/Bev Bevan; implied Roy Wood/Bev Bevan and Roy Wood/Jeff Lynne
Prompt: RPF - Electric Light Orchestra, Bev Bevan, Being gay in the 70s is hard enough. It's even harder when you're also transgendered and no one understands at all. For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
lgbtfest 2010
Word Count: 5,329
Contains: sex, trans* issues
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author’s Notes: Far too much of this is headcanon. That is all. Also, this took far too long to write because Jeff Lynne is a bastard of a muse. DX
Summary: Trying to negotiate sex and relationships when you're becoming a famous rock star, you're the wrong kind of transgendered and no one gets it, and you really don't have a dick, is really fucking hard.
That Boy Named Sue
Recording sessions for The Move's 'Message From The Country', as well as the first Electric Light Orchestra recording sessions, London, January 1971
Bev could hear them arguing again as he returned from the cinema. The fighting had become strangely normal, even if it was heartbreaking to see Jeff and Roy at each other's throats all the time. He loved them both, but it was getting beyond ridiculous now. Just as he was about to join them, Roy came barging out, shoving his way past him as he left. Bev just looked at Jeff as he stood in the doorway, looking after Roy as he vanished from view.
"Do I even want to know what happened?" Bev said.
"He jus'- my way just sounded better," Jeff said helplessly.
Bev sighed and went to chase after Roy. He was tired of Jeff's refusal to compromise on pretty much anything. At least Carl knew how to take a step back when it was needed. Then again, Roy was hardly any better. The two of them needed to learn to work together, or one of them would end up leaving, Bev was sure of it.
Bev finally caught him as he turned down the street and began walking away from the studios. Roy wasn't entirely pleased to see him, but he didn't turn him away. He shoved his hands into his coat pockets, trying to stave off the cold wind.
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Bev said.
Roy shifted free of his grasp and shrugged. "Same as always. Thinks he knows everything. Can't even admit when I might have a better idea."
"You're just as bad as he is, you know. You weren't this bad when Carl was around."
"Carl wanted it to work. He understood my boundaries. Jeff doesn't get it, and I don't think he ever will," Roy said.
They walked along until they found a pub and headed inside. It had become a regular haunt, a place to go when they wanted to get away from everything. They took their drinks over to a corner by one of the windows where they liked to sit. The frosted glass offered some semblance of privacy, and at least it wasn't as dank and dark as the back of the pub.
Roy stared at the table as he spoke. "I try, you know? I try so fucking hard to make it work, but he's as pig-headed as me."
"Hey, I wasn't the one who asked him to join. I believe this is your problem, not mine." Bev sat back, watching him as he curled into the bench. "You're not going to leave, are you?"
Roy glanced up at him, thinking. "I don't know. Can't say I haven't thought about it."
"You know I'd go with you. You're the only one I trust. Took me long enough to trust you. I don't particularly fancy doing it all again with Jeff. Not even sure I can trust him with this, y'know?"
Roy reached for his hand and gently stroked it with his thumb. Bev noticed him glancing around across the room, making sure no one had noticed. He wasn't in the mood to be kicked out for being queer. That would be a bad end to the day, no doubt about it. Just in case, he withdrew his hand anyway and gazed down at his pint.
"If it's any consolation, I don't think he'd hurt you if you did tell him. He doesn't seem like that sort of bloke," Roy added.
"Please. Now you sound like you're breaking up with me. I'd rather he went than you. But I think you already know that," Bev said.
"He'd never listen. He'd probably kick me out instead. He's wonderful, don't get me wrong, but he's a bloody arsehole, that's what. I'll smack him across the head with me cello one day," Roy said, suppressing a grin.
Bev smiled at the image. "Well, that'd get his attention."
"I bloody hope so. And, hey, I'd tell you if I was leaving anyway. I wouldn't just disappear on you. You know me better than that," Roy said.
"Well, I bloody hope so. I'm rather fond of you," Bev said.
Birmingham, mid June, 1972
At first, Bev didn't worry when Roy didn't appear after they'd arrived back from three ELO shows in Italy. Roy was never the extroverted sort, and it was entirely possible he was sleeping off the exhaustion, like they all were. But a couple of days turned into a week, and not even Jeff had heard from him. Unable to contact him, and not able to find anyone who would tell them where he was, Bev was left with no one but Jeff for company. Clearly Woody had done a runner, had done exactly what he'd promised Bev he wouldn't do. Bev hadn't expected it to hurt as much as it did.
Jeff had invited him round. They'd sat around talking until they'd been shooed off to the pub. There were worse distractions, Bev decided, as he sat in a strangely empty corner of the pub. The music spewing from the jukebox was, quite frankly, terrible, but easy enough to ignore. Jeff kept looking at him, as if unsure what to say. Bev didn't know what to say either.
"You know, he said he wouldn't do this. That he wouldn't just disappear without telling me. I'll bloody kill him when I see him again," Bev said.
"That doesn't mean he'd never do it though. You know what he's like. Probably couldn't bring himself to say he was leaving," Jeff said.
"It's not like I would've been mad or anything either. Don't think I haven't noticed the tension between you two." Bev gave him a pointed look. "I try not to take it personally, you know? But it's hard when I see him upset by it. And he tends to talk to me about it, whereas you tend to keep to yourself. Perhaps that makes me biased."
Jeff looked away and stared at the floor. "I never felt you wanted me to talk to you. You're closer to Roy than you think, you know. I didn't want to intrude."
"You had him all to yourself. I couldn't get near him. I don't even know if you knew how close we'd been before you turned up," Bev said.
"Bev, all he ever talked about was you. You probably won't believe me, but it's true. Him and I just weren't meant to work together forever. Otherwise we wouldn't have disagreed so much. Sorry you got dragged into it too," Jeff said.
"Yeah, well, I was hardly going to sit back when you two were at each other's throats," Bev said.
"Nah, it wasn't nothing like that. It weren't that sort of arguments. It was... creative differences. We'd keep trying to out-do each other. It had to stop sooner or later. It's no way to get anything done," Jeff said.
"I just wish it hadn't driven him away. Fuck it, if he'd just talked to me before disappearing, we might've avoided this drama," Bev said.
"Maybe. Maybe he'd have left anyway," Jeff said, shrugging as he looked away from Bev. "Probably all my fault anyway. Perhaps he'll be happier doing something else. This was all his idea and I've gone and fucked it up."
Bev dismissed his angst. "Well, you're a load of fun tonight, aren't you? I don't think it's as bad as that."
Jeff shifted and looked back at him. "Sorry. I just wish he'd call or write me or just let me know what's going on. I don't like not knowing."
"That's Roy for you, though. That's just his way. Irritating as fuck, but it's his way. I suppose he'll turn up in his own time," Bev said.
They didn't see him til much later on that evening. As they left the pub, Bev spotted him walking towards them, huddled in a jacket. He averted his eyes as he saw them, not wanting to be seen, but it was too late.
"Oy, Woody, you going to talk to us already?" Bev called as he approached.
Roy looked up at them sheepishly as Bev caught his arm and stopped him. "I-I was going to tell you, but things just- it just never worked out that way."
"Tell us what, exactly? You leaving us, are you? Found yourself a new band? You promised you'd tell me if you were leaving, not just disappear on me. And look what you did. You fucking disappeared. Bloody coward," Bev said, not intending to sound as angry as he did.
Roy looked away from them. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I just- I couldn't think of the right time to tell you. But I never meant to hurt you. I was going to tell you some time, just-"
"Not right away? For fuck's sake, Roy, we're supposed to be friends. And yet we're the last to know that you've decided to leave and get your own band. You might want to accept that it hurts," Bev said.
"Look, Roy, I was worried about you. I know we've had our differences of late, but I thought we could work through it. We could, you know... talk about it. Come on, give us another try?" Jeff said.
Roy pulled free from Bev's grip and glared at them both. "No. I'm done with this. I'm sorry, but I've found something else and you two aren't part of it. I'm sorry if it hurts, but I can't stay. Sorry, Jeff. Sorry, Bev. It's nothing personal."
With a final glance, he left, heading inside the pub. Bev wanted to chase after him, but Jeff held him back. It wasn't worth it now. Bev wasn't sure what to make of it. He had been prepared for him leaving, but he supposed he'd never expected Roy would actually decide to leave. Reality hurt rather a lot more than he'd anticipated. No matter what Roy said, it sure as shit felt personal to him.
"Come on, Bev, let's go crash at mine. I could do with a lie down. We can talk about it there if you want," Jeff offered, slinging an arm around his shoulders.
"Yeah, alright. I could use some different company tonight," Bev said.
The house was quiet and dark when they arrived. Jeff let them in and they ended up in the front room after crashing past an umbrella stand. Bev was trying not to laugh too much as they collapsed onto the couch. Jeff hushed him, covering his mouth with his hand, and they lay there, tangled in each other, as they listened to see if anyone had woken up.
"I can't hear anything. I think we're okay," Jeff whispered, gazing up at the ceiling.
Bev rested his head against his shoulder. "Never thought I'd end up here. It's been... a weird week."
"That's one way to put it. At least he shut me out as well as you. I wasn't as special to him as you think. We fed off each other, y'know? Ahh, he always liked to make it more complicated than it needed to be," Jeff said, keeping his voice quiet.
Bev glanced at him, not sure if he was talking about their relationship or the music. Perhaps both. "Yeah, well, that's how he liked it. He's a complicated man, not easy to understand."
"He's a bloody genius, that's what. I'd never have thought of half the stuff he comes up with. His mind works in a completely different way to anyone I've ever met before."
Both fell silent. Jeff brought him into his arms, taking a moment to brush Bev's hair out of his eyes as he caught his gaze. Bev hadn't quite realised how close they were, though he didn't flinch when Jeff cupped his cheek and kissed him. Truth be told, if anything, it made him feel a bit queasy. He wasn't sure he'd ever fancied Jeff until that moment, though if anyone had asked him to voice exactly what he was feeling, he knew he would have no answer. Jeff pulled away, just a little bit, and searched his eyes for any sort of reaction.
"Sorry for - y'know, I didn't mean to come between you. I just - we just had all these ideas. And we'd sit up late playing guitar, and I'd make up stupid lyrics. And, well, he's a genius. If anything, I was obsessed with him, not the other way around. But we never meant to cut you out, either," Jeff said.
"I'm alone enough as it is. I didn't need that from you too," Bev murmured.
Jeff just brought him into a tight hug. Jeff felt very different from Roy. Bev was used to Roy. Small tiny Roy who fitted beside him, in his arms, like he was meant to be there. Jeff was different. Bigger. Not quite as hairy. Strong. Bev could feel it in his body. And yet, there was also a sublime gentleness. There didn't seem to be a need to speak. Bev lay there beside him with his head leaning on his shoulder, while Jeff clung to him and stroked his hair.
"What happens now? What are we left with, now that Roy's gone? He'll take everything, won't he? We'll be left with nothing," Bev said some time later.
Jeff took a moment to think. "He won't take ELO. He can't take it. What else am I going to do?"
"Well, we could always make a new band. Start again," Bev suggested half-heartedly.
Jeff saw through that. "You don't want to do that any more than I do."
"So what do we do?"
"I dunno. I don't want this to be over, but it might be too late for that," Jeff said.
Bev hadn't wanted to cry, hadn't meant to show that side of him to Jeff, but in the silence, after seeing Roy again, it felt like they'd broken up, and being alone again, really, properly alone after all these years, seemed terrifying. Jeff didn't say anything. He just held him close and let him cry.
Launch Party for Wizzard's Introducing Eddy and The Falcons Album at Gulliver's Rock Shop, August 5, 1974
"I'm not going."
Jeff was surprised to say the least. He thought Bev would've jumped at the chance to be with Roy again. "You sure? Why? I thought you wanted to see him again."
Bev shifted uncomfortably and refused to turn and face him. He gazed out the window to the dark street below. "I just... It's been too long. It'd just hurt now. Like it did back then. I don't want to see him."
Jeff came up behind him and wrapped an arm around him. "You'll miss out on a great party."
"I don't care. I don't know if you'll ever understand. Maybe you were never as close to him as I was, alright? He left me and all I'm left with is you. And I really wish I could explain why it hurts so much," Bev said.
It had been two years and Bev still hadn't told Jeff he was different. Born in the wrong body. They'd kissed a few times since that first night, but everything else had always made them too busy to pursue anything. Bev wasn't sure he could really trust him either, not if he was going to leave and break his heart again.
"So why don't you try? I'm listening," Jeff said, squeezing his shoulder gently.
"I don't know how. I don't have any words for it. it's all a big muddle in my head," Bev said. He wasn't sure if he was trying to brush him off or try to get him to understand why he couldn't explain it in the first place.
Jeff pressed a kiss to his head. "Come on, sit down. I'll make some tea and you can think about it, alright?"
Realising he wasn't going to get out of it now, Bev slumped down into an armchair and waited for him to return. He wasn't lying when he said he had no words. He wasn't sure anyone would understand, even if he did have the right words. They might assume the wrong thing anyway. He did not want to be called a girl. It would hurt too much, given everything he'd been through to get this far.
Jeff returned with tea and a small plate of biscuits. Setting them down on the coffee table, he gestured for him to join him on the couch. Reluctantly, Bev shifted over beside him and curled into the couch as Jeff served them both.
"Aren't you going to be late if you stay here talking to me?" Bev said.
"Nah, he can wait. I'll blame the traffic or sommat," Jeff said. "So. You gonna tell me what's going on?"
Bev sipped some tea before he spoke. "It's difficult to explain, and I'm not just saying that to avoid talking about it. I don't really have any way of explaining it."
"Explaining what, exactly?"
Bev didn't reply. He couldn't work out where to begin. How did you explain something you weren't sure you understood yourself?
"You don't know how hard this is. Roy'd been the only one, apart from Jasper, who ever knew about me. It's supposed to be a big secret, y'know? So I don't end up killed or something. And I haven't told you yet because I'm still not sure I can trust you with it. The fewer people who know, the better, but if you're going to keep hitting on me, perhaps you should know what you're getting yourself in for."
Bev paused again. He felt he might be doing it all evening. Jeff looked confused, but didn't appear to be stopping him.
"If you're gonna tell me you're interested in blokes, well, that's hardly surprising. Figured it out by the way Roy talked about you. He said more than he was p'raps intending, but," Jeff said.
"No, well, that's part of it. But it's not what I'm talking about. I wish there was a word for someone like me, but I don't think there is. I can't sum it up in a single word, or even a phrase. It's more complicated than that. I don't know where to begin." Bev sipped his tea again, trying to clear his thoughts. "And I don't want you to get the wrong idea either, or misunderstand me. I don't know if anyone else like me even exists. It makes for a very lonely life, but it was bearable while I had Roy to confide in."
"Well, now you got me. Can't say I'm perfect, or that I'll understand, but I'll do me best," Jeff said. Reaching over, he rested his hand on Bev's thigh, just to comfort him, to let him know he was there.
"Okay, so you know how you're supposed to be born a boy or a girl, right? Well, I was born wrong. I was supposed to be a boy, but I wasn't. I was born a girl. Raised as a girl. Well, least til me dad died. Then I became a boy. I think I was a boy before that, but it wasn't til then that mum let me dress like one. And then I started drumming and I'd never seen her happier. I suppose everyone just assumed after that. You know what I'm talking about?" Bev looked at him, hoping he'd been clear enough.
Jeff thought for a moment. "So. You're really a girl? Is that right?"
"No. I was a girl. But I'm not anymore. I couldn't be a girl. It wasn't what I was. What I am. I suppose I'm lucky that I'm big enough to fool most people so they don't even see me as a girl anymore," Bev said.
"So what are you then, if you're not a girl? Don't you have, y'know, breasts and things? Surely someone'd notice that," Jeff asked.
"Took me til a couple of years ago to find a surgeon willing to remove my breasts for me in secret. Didn't have the money til then either. But it does make life easier, not having to bind every day. And I know the hair's a bit girly, but I'm still a man. All I'm asking is to be treated like one. If you can't accept that then... Then perhaps I should leave," Bev said.
Jeff got to his feet and wandered over to the window, looking out at the street again. Bev stayed where he was, hoping he hadn't scared him off or confused him too badly. Jeff didn't say anything. Every possible reaction was running through Bev's head, from simple acceptance to being cut out completely and left to fend for himself. He'd taken a big risk in telling him, but he hoped it would pay off. He hoped Roy's assessment that Jeff wouldn't hurt him if he told him was right. Eventually, Jeff turned back to face him.
"Okay. Well. Given I've only ever known you as a bloke, it's fair to say that's how I'll keep seeing you. If that's what you want, of course. Um. I've never met anyone like you before, so I don't really know what I'm doing. But I'm willing to learn."
Returning to the couch, he sat down beside him. Bev shifted to face him, wondering what he was going to say next.
"Y'know, if you want me to stop going after you, just say so. But I do like you a lot, and I wouldn't mind, y'know, getting to know you better. If you're interested too, of course. I wouldn't want to assume-"
"I'm interested, I think, but can we take things slowly? This is the sort of relationship that needs time to work properly, or we'll just fall apart and end up hating each other, and I don't want that, not after losing Roy," Bev said.
"Well, then, we'll take it slowly. It'll take a while to get me head around it all too, what you are and all that. Not meaning any offence or anything, just... It's not something i've heard of before," Jeff said.
"I'd wager most people haven't heard of someone like me before. Don't feel bad about it. Thanks for being okay with this. I never told you before because I was terrified you'd react badly and I'd lose you too," Bev said.
Jeff brought him close. "It'll take more than that to get rid of me. I'm glad you told me. Kinda honoured you trust me that much. So. Still don't want to go tonight? I'm sure he'd miss you if you weren't there."
Bev thought a moment. "Alright. I'll go. Just because I don't feel like staying in here all night by myself."
"Atta boy. Come on, we'd better get going."
Jeff ruffled his hair as he got up. Bev brushed him off and chased after him. He caught him in a kiss as they both reached the front door. Jeff smiled, grabbed his keys, and they headed off to the party.
Roy greeted him warmly, bringing him into a tight hug. Bev was surprised at how much he'd changed. The wild hair had got even wilder, and he'd painted his face with strange symbols. He looked, quite frankly, like a wizard. But underneath all that, he was still Roy. Jeff brought him into his arms and spun him round in greeting.
"Looking good, Roy. Trying to scare the punters, are you?" Jeff said.
"I'm blaming you, Jeff. He looked perfectly normal before you turned up. Now look at him," Bev said.
"I'm just glad you're here. I wasn't sure if you'd come. You're late, by the way, but I told 'em not to start til you'd arrived." Roy paused a moment as he looked them over. "You told him, didn't you?"
"Just before we came. I wasn't going to come, but, well, he talked me into it. He's terrible like that, isn't he?" Bev said, glancing at Jeff.
"See, I told you he'd be okay with it. Now, come on, we're missing all the fun," Roy said. He grabbed their hands and led them inside.
There were more people than Bev had expected, most he didn't know though he did recognise a few old faces. A stage had been made at the back and a bunch of musos were playing what sounded like heavy metal versions of jazz songs. The decor was equally as strange, and Bev wasn't entirely sure what it was, just that it worked if you didn't think about it too much.
And it didn't turn out to be a bad night either. The music was great, and Jeff made a point of sticking by his side. After missing having Roy around when he needed it, it was reassuring to have Jeff there. That Jeff knew left no more secrets between them, and Bev had never felt closer to him.
Some time after the formalities were over, Roy took Bev aside, and they headed out the front of the shop where it was quieter. They'd not had much of a chance to talk since Roy'd left two years ago, and Bev knew they had unfinished business. They stood in the doorway, allowing the doorframe to save them from the worse of the cold wind outside.
"I really am glad you came tonight. Of all the people who I wanted to be here, I wanted you to be here the most. It was all a bit of a mess back then, wasn't it? I never got a chance to apologise for that. I don't think any of us really knew what was going on," Roy said.
"If you'd just talked to me, it probably would've been fine. It's not like I would've stopped you leaving. I just wanted you to talk to me. We could've sorted it then, rather than wait two years to have this conversation now," Bev said.
Roy shifted and gazed out at the road. "Yeah, but talking might've made it worse. I'm surprised you're willing to talk to me still. I'd have thought you'd never want to see me again. I did rather break things off in a stupid way."
"You didn't break things off at all, that was the problem. You left the band, and you left me, and not once did you actually come out and end it. That would've saved me some grief. Maybe I'd have told Jeff sooner if I knew it was really over."
"I must admit, I am surprised it took you that long. You weren't lying when you said it takes time to really trust someone enough to tell them. How'd he take it anyway?" Roy said.
Just as Bev was going to answer, Jeff appeared. "You're wanted on stage, Woody. Maybe we should get up there and do some old Move songs. We haven't played together for a couple of years."
"Come on, Bev, you up for it? One more run, just for the hell of it. I won't take no for an answer, okay?" Roy said, taking Bev by the arm as he led him back inside.
Bev didn't mind. He would enjoy an impromptu session with his old band, though he always felt it would never be his old band again, no matter how much he wanted it to happen. Everyone had changed too much, gotten older, moved on to other things. However, none of that stopped him enjoying the moment, and he had never seen Roy happier.
Bev slept well that night, with things settled between him and Roy, and with Jeff by his side. Suddenly, things were beginning to look up.
Face The Music Sessions, Musicland Studios, Munich, Germany, Summer 1975
Jeff had always enjoyed being in the studios. Bev had noticed that since they first started working together. It was all exciting and new and full of potential, and while Bev couldn't get quite that excited about it, Jeff's enthusiasm was always catching, and he found it hard not to be dragged along with it.
They'd only been in Munich for a couple of weeks. They'd rented this little house just outside town, and it had a rather adorable little garden in the front. Sure, it was crammed into a space smaller than it probably required, but so was every other house on the street, so Bev could hardly complain. What he could complain about was the fact that there were four of them sharing what was probably a house best suited for three. The couches were never free, especially as their house had been chosen as the house everyone else congregated in, and Kelly had already bought some giant cushions from a market for everyone else to sit on.
That said, if there was any good side to it, it was that Bev had an excuse to share a bed with Jeff. Only one of the two bedrooms had been kitted out with separate beds, leaving Jeff and Bev to share a double of dubious quality. The mattress was weirdly squashy in a few places and neither of them had dared investigate to see why. Still, it was comfortable enough, and waking up with Jeff beside him was strangely comforting, and not a bad way to start the day.
They had, after much experimentation and discussion, finally gotten together, though it had only been two months so far and both had decided the rest of the band didn't need to know about it. Another reason the small house and a double bed were convenient excuses.
Bev was always awake first. He'd always been an early riser. He lay there in bed, just watching him sleep. It was a Saturday morning, and in spite of the sun trying to edge its way past the thick curtains, the room was still dark and cool. Bev pulled the duvet up around his shoulders and cosied up to Jeff. Jeff stirred, and after some soft kisses from Bev, eventually turned to gaze at him.
"Morning," Jeff murmured.
"Yes, sadly, it is," Bev replied, snuggling into his embrace.
Jeff yawned and stretched. "Damn. I should've slept a little longer. Sleep well?"
"What do you think?" Bev said, glancing up at him. He smiled as he remembered what they'd done the night before. Sure, it had taken a lot of talk, and Jeff had screwed up a couple of times, but they'd finally slept together, and Bev couldn't have been happier.
Jeff smiled back, and Bev squirmed as a hand slipped between his legs, rubbing against his enlarged clit. It was a most pleasant side-effect of the testosterone he'd been taking, on and off, since he was a teenager. His mother had still never told him how she'd acquired it, and he'd long since stopped asking.
Jeff's touch was hesitant, and Bev was still getting used to him, but he was sure Jeff didn't have the heart to be rough with anyone, and it was something he appreciated very much. They shared a kiss as Bev slowly moved to straddle him while Jeff continued to work him.
Bev ended up on his stomach while Jeff prepared him. He winced a little as Jeff began to push inside, the sensation would always feel vaguely strange, but it wasn't unpleasant either. Jeff stayed close to him this time, moving slowly and deliberately. It was torturous, and it gave the pleasure a long time to build before it was finally released.
Bev loved the warm sleepy feeling that overtook him as he lay beside him afterwards. He might've gone back to sleep if he hadn't heard Kelly and Richard banging around in the kitchen. They would have to get up sooner or later, but at least, for the moment, Bev could relax, knowing he'd found someone else to trust. It was a feeling as deeply comforting as lying in Jeff's arms, half-asleep, while he gently stroked his hair.
Author: Sashataakheru
Fandom: The Move/Electric Light Orchestra RPS
Starring: Roy Wood, FtM!Bev Bevan, Jeff Lynne
Pairings: Jeff Lynne/Bev Bevan; implied Roy Wood/Bev Bevan and Roy Wood/Jeff Lynne
Prompt: RPF - Electric Light Orchestra, Bev Bevan, Being gay in the 70s is hard enough. It's even harder when you're also transgendered and no one understands at all. For
lgbtfest 2010Word Count: 5,329
Contains: sex, trans* issues
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author’s Notes: Far too much of this is headcanon. That is all. Also, this took far too long to write because Jeff Lynne is a bastard of a muse. DX
Summary: Trying to negotiate sex and relationships when you're becoming a famous rock star, you're the wrong kind of transgendered and no one gets it, and you really don't have a dick, is really fucking hard.
That Boy Named Sue
Recording sessions for The Move's 'Message From The Country', as well as the first Electric Light Orchestra recording sessions, London, January 1971
Bev could hear them arguing again as he returned from the cinema. The fighting had become strangely normal, even if it was heartbreaking to see Jeff and Roy at each other's throats all the time. He loved them both, but it was getting beyond ridiculous now. Just as he was about to join them, Roy came barging out, shoving his way past him as he left. Bev just looked at Jeff as he stood in the doorway, looking after Roy as he vanished from view.
"Do I even want to know what happened?" Bev said.
"He jus'- my way just sounded better," Jeff said helplessly.
Bev sighed and went to chase after Roy. He was tired of Jeff's refusal to compromise on pretty much anything. At least Carl knew how to take a step back when it was needed. Then again, Roy was hardly any better. The two of them needed to learn to work together, or one of them would end up leaving, Bev was sure of it.
Bev finally caught him as he turned down the street and began walking away from the studios. Roy wasn't entirely pleased to see him, but he didn't turn him away. He shoved his hands into his coat pockets, trying to stave off the cold wind.
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Bev said.
Roy shifted free of his grasp and shrugged. "Same as always. Thinks he knows everything. Can't even admit when I might have a better idea."
"You're just as bad as he is, you know. You weren't this bad when Carl was around."
"Carl wanted it to work. He understood my boundaries. Jeff doesn't get it, and I don't think he ever will," Roy said.
They walked along until they found a pub and headed inside. It had become a regular haunt, a place to go when they wanted to get away from everything. They took their drinks over to a corner by one of the windows where they liked to sit. The frosted glass offered some semblance of privacy, and at least it wasn't as dank and dark as the back of the pub.
Roy stared at the table as he spoke. "I try, you know? I try so fucking hard to make it work, but he's as pig-headed as me."
"Hey, I wasn't the one who asked him to join. I believe this is your problem, not mine." Bev sat back, watching him as he curled into the bench. "You're not going to leave, are you?"
Roy glanced up at him, thinking. "I don't know. Can't say I haven't thought about it."
"You know I'd go with you. You're the only one I trust. Took me long enough to trust you. I don't particularly fancy doing it all again with Jeff. Not even sure I can trust him with this, y'know?"
Roy reached for his hand and gently stroked it with his thumb. Bev noticed him glancing around across the room, making sure no one had noticed. He wasn't in the mood to be kicked out for being queer. That would be a bad end to the day, no doubt about it. Just in case, he withdrew his hand anyway and gazed down at his pint.
"If it's any consolation, I don't think he'd hurt you if you did tell him. He doesn't seem like that sort of bloke," Roy added.
"Please. Now you sound like you're breaking up with me. I'd rather he went than you. But I think you already know that," Bev said.
"He'd never listen. He'd probably kick me out instead. He's wonderful, don't get me wrong, but he's a bloody arsehole, that's what. I'll smack him across the head with me cello one day," Roy said, suppressing a grin.
Bev smiled at the image. "Well, that'd get his attention."
"I bloody hope so. And, hey, I'd tell you if I was leaving anyway. I wouldn't just disappear on you. You know me better than that," Roy said.
"Well, I bloody hope so. I'm rather fond of you," Bev said.
Birmingham, mid June, 1972
At first, Bev didn't worry when Roy didn't appear after they'd arrived back from three ELO shows in Italy. Roy was never the extroverted sort, and it was entirely possible he was sleeping off the exhaustion, like they all were. But a couple of days turned into a week, and not even Jeff had heard from him. Unable to contact him, and not able to find anyone who would tell them where he was, Bev was left with no one but Jeff for company. Clearly Woody had done a runner, had done exactly what he'd promised Bev he wouldn't do. Bev hadn't expected it to hurt as much as it did.
Jeff had invited him round. They'd sat around talking until they'd been shooed off to the pub. There were worse distractions, Bev decided, as he sat in a strangely empty corner of the pub. The music spewing from the jukebox was, quite frankly, terrible, but easy enough to ignore. Jeff kept looking at him, as if unsure what to say. Bev didn't know what to say either.
"You know, he said he wouldn't do this. That he wouldn't just disappear without telling me. I'll bloody kill him when I see him again," Bev said.
"That doesn't mean he'd never do it though. You know what he's like. Probably couldn't bring himself to say he was leaving," Jeff said.
"It's not like I would've been mad or anything either. Don't think I haven't noticed the tension between you two." Bev gave him a pointed look. "I try not to take it personally, you know? But it's hard when I see him upset by it. And he tends to talk to me about it, whereas you tend to keep to yourself. Perhaps that makes me biased."
Jeff looked away and stared at the floor. "I never felt you wanted me to talk to you. You're closer to Roy than you think, you know. I didn't want to intrude."
"You had him all to yourself. I couldn't get near him. I don't even know if you knew how close we'd been before you turned up," Bev said.
"Bev, all he ever talked about was you. You probably won't believe me, but it's true. Him and I just weren't meant to work together forever. Otherwise we wouldn't have disagreed so much. Sorry you got dragged into it too," Jeff said.
"Yeah, well, I was hardly going to sit back when you two were at each other's throats," Bev said.
"Nah, it wasn't nothing like that. It weren't that sort of arguments. It was... creative differences. We'd keep trying to out-do each other. It had to stop sooner or later. It's no way to get anything done," Jeff said.
"I just wish it hadn't driven him away. Fuck it, if he'd just talked to me before disappearing, we might've avoided this drama," Bev said.
"Maybe. Maybe he'd have left anyway," Jeff said, shrugging as he looked away from Bev. "Probably all my fault anyway. Perhaps he'll be happier doing something else. This was all his idea and I've gone and fucked it up."
Bev dismissed his angst. "Well, you're a load of fun tonight, aren't you? I don't think it's as bad as that."
Jeff shifted and looked back at him. "Sorry. I just wish he'd call or write me or just let me know what's going on. I don't like not knowing."
"That's Roy for you, though. That's just his way. Irritating as fuck, but it's his way. I suppose he'll turn up in his own time," Bev said.
They didn't see him til much later on that evening. As they left the pub, Bev spotted him walking towards them, huddled in a jacket. He averted his eyes as he saw them, not wanting to be seen, but it was too late.
"Oy, Woody, you going to talk to us already?" Bev called as he approached.
Roy looked up at them sheepishly as Bev caught his arm and stopped him. "I-I was going to tell you, but things just- it just never worked out that way."
"Tell us what, exactly? You leaving us, are you? Found yourself a new band? You promised you'd tell me if you were leaving, not just disappear on me. And look what you did. You fucking disappeared. Bloody coward," Bev said, not intending to sound as angry as he did.
Roy looked away from them. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I just- I couldn't think of the right time to tell you. But I never meant to hurt you. I was going to tell you some time, just-"
"Not right away? For fuck's sake, Roy, we're supposed to be friends. And yet we're the last to know that you've decided to leave and get your own band. You might want to accept that it hurts," Bev said.
"Look, Roy, I was worried about you. I know we've had our differences of late, but I thought we could work through it. We could, you know... talk about it. Come on, give us another try?" Jeff said.
Roy pulled free from Bev's grip and glared at them both. "No. I'm done with this. I'm sorry, but I've found something else and you two aren't part of it. I'm sorry if it hurts, but I can't stay. Sorry, Jeff. Sorry, Bev. It's nothing personal."
With a final glance, he left, heading inside the pub. Bev wanted to chase after him, but Jeff held him back. It wasn't worth it now. Bev wasn't sure what to make of it. He had been prepared for him leaving, but he supposed he'd never expected Roy would actually decide to leave. Reality hurt rather a lot more than he'd anticipated. No matter what Roy said, it sure as shit felt personal to him.
"Come on, Bev, let's go crash at mine. I could do with a lie down. We can talk about it there if you want," Jeff offered, slinging an arm around his shoulders.
"Yeah, alright. I could use some different company tonight," Bev said.
The house was quiet and dark when they arrived. Jeff let them in and they ended up in the front room after crashing past an umbrella stand. Bev was trying not to laugh too much as they collapsed onto the couch. Jeff hushed him, covering his mouth with his hand, and they lay there, tangled in each other, as they listened to see if anyone had woken up.
"I can't hear anything. I think we're okay," Jeff whispered, gazing up at the ceiling.
Bev rested his head against his shoulder. "Never thought I'd end up here. It's been... a weird week."
"That's one way to put it. At least he shut me out as well as you. I wasn't as special to him as you think. We fed off each other, y'know? Ahh, he always liked to make it more complicated than it needed to be," Jeff said, keeping his voice quiet.
Bev glanced at him, not sure if he was talking about their relationship or the music. Perhaps both. "Yeah, well, that's how he liked it. He's a complicated man, not easy to understand."
"He's a bloody genius, that's what. I'd never have thought of half the stuff he comes up with. His mind works in a completely different way to anyone I've ever met before."
Both fell silent. Jeff brought him into his arms, taking a moment to brush Bev's hair out of his eyes as he caught his gaze. Bev hadn't quite realised how close they were, though he didn't flinch when Jeff cupped his cheek and kissed him. Truth be told, if anything, it made him feel a bit queasy. He wasn't sure he'd ever fancied Jeff until that moment, though if anyone had asked him to voice exactly what he was feeling, he knew he would have no answer. Jeff pulled away, just a little bit, and searched his eyes for any sort of reaction.
"Sorry for - y'know, I didn't mean to come between you. I just - we just had all these ideas. And we'd sit up late playing guitar, and I'd make up stupid lyrics. And, well, he's a genius. If anything, I was obsessed with him, not the other way around. But we never meant to cut you out, either," Jeff said.
"I'm alone enough as it is. I didn't need that from you too," Bev murmured.
Jeff just brought him into a tight hug. Jeff felt very different from Roy. Bev was used to Roy. Small tiny Roy who fitted beside him, in his arms, like he was meant to be there. Jeff was different. Bigger. Not quite as hairy. Strong. Bev could feel it in his body. And yet, there was also a sublime gentleness. There didn't seem to be a need to speak. Bev lay there beside him with his head leaning on his shoulder, while Jeff clung to him and stroked his hair.
"What happens now? What are we left with, now that Roy's gone? He'll take everything, won't he? We'll be left with nothing," Bev said some time later.
Jeff took a moment to think. "He won't take ELO. He can't take it. What else am I going to do?"
"Well, we could always make a new band. Start again," Bev suggested half-heartedly.
Jeff saw through that. "You don't want to do that any more than I do."
"So what do we do?"
"I dunno. I don't want this to be over, but it might be too late for that," Jeff said.
Bev hadn't wanted to cry, hadn't meant to show that side of him to Jeff, but in the silence, after seeing Roy again, it felt like they'd broken up, and being alone again, really, properly alone after all these years, seemed terrifying. Jeff didn't say anything. He just held him close and let him cry.
Launch Party for Wizzard's Introducing Eddy and The Falcons Album at Gulliver's Rock Shop, August 5, 1974
"I'm not going."
Jeff was surprised to say the least. He thought Bev would've jumped at the chance to be with Roy again. "You sure? Why? I thought you wanted to see him again."
Bev shifted uncomfortably and refused to turn and face him. He gazed out the window to the dark street below. "I just... It's been too long. It'd just hurt now. Like it did back then. I don't want to see him."
Jeff came up behind him and wrapped an arm around him. "You'll miss out on a great party."
"I don't care. I don't know if you'll ever understand. Maybe you were never as close to him as I was, alright? He left me and all I'm left with is you. And I really wish I could explain why it hurts so much," Bev said.
It had been two years and Bev still hadn't told Jeff he was different. Born in the wrong body. They'd kissed a few times since that first night, but everything else had always made them too busy to pursue anything. Bev wasn't sure he could really trust him either, not if he was going to leave and break his heart again.
"So why don't you try? I'm listening," Jeff said, squeezing his shoulder gently.
"I don't know how. I don't have any words for it. it's all a big muddle in my head," Bev said. He wasn't sure if he was trying to brush him off or try to get him to understand why he couldn't explain it in the first place.
Jeff pressed a kiss to his head. "Come on, sit down. I'll make some tea and you can think about it, alright?"
Realising he wasn't going to get out of it now, Bev slumped down into an armchair and waited for him to return. He wasn't lying when he said he had no words. He wasn't sure anyone would understand, even if he did have the right words. They might assume the wrong thing anyway. He did not want to be called a girl. It would hurt too much, given everything he'd been through to get this far.
Jeff returned with tea and a small plate of biscuits. Setting them down on the coffee table, he gestured for him to join him on the couch. Reluctantly, Bev shifted over beside him and curled into the couch as Jeff served them both.
"Aren't you going to be late if you stay here talking to me?" Bev said.
"Nah, he can wait. I'll blame the traffic or sommat," Jeff said. "So. You gonna tell me what's going on?"
Bev sipped some tea before he spoke. "It's difficult to explain, and I'm not just saying that to avoid talking about it. I don't really have any way of explaining it."
"Explaining what, exactly?"
Bev didn't reply. He couldn't work out where to begin. How did you explain something you weren't sure you understood yourself?
"You don't know how hard this is. Roy'd been the only one, apart from Jasper, who ever knew about me. It's supposed to be a big secret, y'know? So I don't end up killed or something. And I haven't told you yet because I'm still not sure I can trust you with it. The fewer people who know, the better, but if you're going to keep hitting on me, perhaps you should know what you're getting yourself in for."
Bev paused again. He felt he might be doing it all evening. Jeff looked confused, but didn't appear to be stopping him.
"If you're gonna tell me you're interested in blokes, well, that's hardly surprising. Figured it out by the way Roy talked about you. He said more than he was p'raps intending, but," Jeff said.
"No, well, that's part of it. But it's not what I'm talking about. I wish there was a word for someone like me, but I don't think there is. I can't sum it up in a single word, or even a phrase. It's more complicated than that. I don't know where to begin." Bev sipped his tea again, trying to clear his thoughts. "And I don't want you to get the wrong idea either, or misunderstand me. I don't know if anyone else like me even exists. It makes for a very lonely life, but it was bearable while I had Roy to confide in."
"Well, now you got me. Can't say I'm perfect, or that I'll understand, but I'll do me best," Jeff said. Reaching over, he rested his hand on Bev's thigh, just to comfort him, to let him know he was there.
"Okay, so you know how you're supposed to be born a boy or a girl, right? Well, I was born wrong. I was supposed to be a boy, but I wasn't. I was born a girl. Raised as a girl. Well, least til me dad died. Then I became a boy. I think I was a boy before that, but it wasn't til then that mum let me dress like one. And then I started drumming and I'd never seen her happier. I suppose everyone just assumed after that. You know what I'm talking about?" Bev looked at him, hoping he'd been clear enough.
Jeff thought for a moment. "So. You're really a girl? Is that right?"
"No. I was a girl. But I'm not anymore. I couldn't be a girl. It wasn't what I was. What I am. I suppose I'm lucky that I'm big enough to fool most people so they don't even see me as a girl anymore," Bev said.
"So what are you then, if you're not a girl? Don't you have, y'know, breasts and things? Surely someone'd notice that," Jeff asked.
"Took me til a couple of years ago to find a surgeon willing to remove my breasts for me in secret. Didn't have the money til then either. But it does make life easier, not having to bind every day. And I know the hair's a bit girly, but I'm still a man. All I'm asking is to be treated like one. If you can't accept that then... Then perhaps I should leave," Bev said.
Jeff got to his feet and wandered over to the window, looking out at the street again. Bev stayed where he was, hoping he hadn't scared him off or confused him too badly. Jeff didn't say anything. Every possible reaction was running through Bev's head, from simple acceptance to being cut out completely and left to fend for himself. He'd taken a big risk in telling him, but he hoped it would pay off. He hoped Roy's assessment that Jeff wouldn't hurt him if he told him was right. Eventually, Jeff turned back to face him.
"Okay. Well. Given I've only ever known you as a bloke, it's fair to say that's how I'll keep seeing you. If that's what you want, of course. Um. I've never met anyone like you before, so I don't really know what I'm doing. But I'm willing to learn."
Returning to the couch, he sat down beside him. Bev shifted to face him, wondering what he was going to say next.
"Y'know, if you want me to stop going after you, just say so. But I do like you a lot, and I wouldn't mind, y'know, getting to know you better. If you're interested too, of course. I wouldn't want to assume-"
"I'm interested, I think, but can we take things slowly? This is the sort of relationship that needs time to work properly, or we'll just fall apart and end up hating each other, and I don't want that, not after losing Roy," Bev said.
"Well, then, we'll take it slowly. It'll take a while to get me head around it all too, what you are and all that. Not meaning any offence or anything, just... It's not something i've heard of before," Jeff said.
"I'd wager most people haven't heard of someone like me before. Don't feel bad about it. Thanks for being okay with this. I never told you before because I was terrified you'd react badly and I'd lose you too," Bev said.
Jeff brought him close. "It'll take more than that to get rid of me. I'm glad you told me. Kinda honoured you trust me that much. So. Still don't want to go tonight? I'm sure he'd miss you if you weren't there."
Bev thought a moment. "Alright. I'll go. Just because I don't feel like staying in here all night by myself."
"Atta boy. Come on, we'd better get going."
Jeff ruffled his hair as he got up. Bev brushed him off and chased after him. He caught him in a kiss as they both reached the front door. Jeff smiled, grabbed his keys, and they headed off to the party.
Roy greeted him warmly, bringing him into a tight hug. Bev was surprised at how much he'd changed. The wild hair had got even wilder, and he'd painted his face with strange symbols. He looked, quite frankly, like a wizard. But underneath all that, he was still Roy. Jeff brought him into his arms and spun him round in greeting.
"Looking good, Roy. Trying to scare the punters, are you?" Jeff said.
"I'm blaming you, Jeff. He looked perfectly normal before you turned up. Now look at him," Bev said.
"I'm just glad you're here. I wasn't sure if you'd come. You're late, by the way, but I told 'em not to start til you'd arrived." Roy paused a moment as he looked them over. "You told him, didn't you?"
"Just before we came. I wasn't going to come, but, well, he talked me into it. He's terrible like that, isn't he?" Bev said, glancing at Jeff.
"See, I told you he'd be okay with it. Now, come on, we're missing all the fun," Roy said. He grabbed their hands and led them inside.
There were more people than Bev had expected, most he didn't know though he did recognise a few old faces. A stage had been made at the back and a bunch of musos were playing what sounded like heavy metal versions of jazz songs. The decor was equally as strange, and Bev wasn't entirely sure what it was, just that it worked if you didn't think about it too much.
And it didn't turn out to be a bad night either. The music was great, and Jeff made a point of sticking by his side. After missing having Roy around when he needed it, it was reassuring to have Jeff there. That Jeff knew left no more secrets between them, and Bev had never felt closer to him.
Some time after the formalities were over, Roy took Bev aside, and they headed out the front of the shop where it was quieter. They'd not had much of a chance to talk since Roy'd left two years ago, and Bev knew they had unfinished business. They stood in the doorway, allowing the doorframe to save them from the worse of the cold wind outside.
"I really am glad you came tonight. Of all the people who I wanted to be here, I wanted you to be here the most. It was all a bit of a mess back then, wasn't it? I never got a chance to apologise for that. I don't think any of us really knew what was going on," Roy said.
"If you'd just talked to me, it probably would've been fine. It's not like I would've stopped you leaving. I just wanted you to talk to me. We could've sorted it then, rather than wait two years to have this conversation now," Bev said.
Roy shifted and gazed out at the road. "Yeah, but talking might've made it worse. I'm surprised you're willing to talk to me still. I'd have thought you'd never want to see me again. I did rather break things off in a stupid way."
"You didn't break things off at all, that was the problem. You left the band, and you left me, and not once did you actually come out and end it. That would've saved me some grief. Maybe I'd have told Jeff sooner if I knew it was really over."
"I must admit, I am surprised it took you that long. You weren't lying when you said it takes time to really trust someone enough to tell them. How'd he take it anyway?" Roy said.
Just as Bev was going to answer, Jeff appeared. "You're wanted on stage, Woody. Maybe we should get up there and do some old Move songs. We haven't played together for a couple of years."
"Come on, Bev, you up for it? One more run, just for the hell of it. I won't take no for an answer, okay?" Roy said, taking Bev by the arm as he led him back inside.
Bev didn't mind. He would enjoy an impromptu session with his old band, though he always felt it would never be his old band again, no matter how much he wanted it to happen. Everyone had changed too much, gotten older, moved on to other things. However, none of that stopped him enjoying the moment, and he had never seen Roy happier.
Bev slept well that night, with things settled between him and Roy, and with Jeff by his side. Suddenly, things were beginning to look up.
Face The Music Sessions, Musicland Studios, Munich, Germany, Summer 1975
Jeff had always enjoyed being in the studios. Bev had noticed that since they first started working together. It was all exciting and new and full of potential, and while Bev couldn't get quite that excited about it, Jeff's enthusiasm was always catching, and he found it hard not to be dragged along with it.
They'd only been in Munich for a couple of weeks. They'd rented this little house just outside town, and it had a rather adorable little garden in the front. Sure, it was crammed into a space smaller than it probably required, but so was every other house on the street, so Bev could hardly complain. What he could complain about was the fact that there were four of them sharing what was probably a house best suited for three. The couches were never free, especially as their house had been chosen as the house everyone else congregated in, and Kelly had already bought some giant cushions from a market for everyone else to sit on.
That said, if there was any good side to it, it was that Bev had an excuse to share a bed with Jeff. Only one of the two bedrooms had been kitted out with separate beds, leaving Jeff and Bev to share a double of dubious quality. The mattress was weirdly squashy in a few places and neither of them had dared investigate to see why. Still, it was comfortable enough, and waking up with Jeff beside him was strangely comforting, and not a bad way to start the day.
They had, after much experimentation and discussion, finally gotten together, though it had only been two months so far and both had decided the rest of the band didn't need to know about it. Another reason the small house and a double bed were convenient excuses.
Bev was always awake first. He'd always been an early riser. He lay there in bed, just watching him sleep. It was a Saturday morning, and in spite of the sun trying to edge its way past the thick curtains, the room was still dark and cool. Bev pulled the duvet up around his shoulders and cosied up to Jeff. Jeff stirred, and after some soft kisses from Bev, eventually turned to gaze at him.
"Morning," Jeff murmured.
"Yes, sadly, it is," Bev replied, snuggling into his embrace.
Jeff yawned and stretched. "Damn. I should've slept a little longer. Sleep well?"
"What do you think?" Bev said, glancing up at him. He smiled as he remembered what they'd done the night before. Sure, it had taken a lot of talk, and Jeff had screwed up a couple of times, but they'd finally slept together, and Bev couldn't have been happier.
Jeff smiled back, and Bev squirmed as a hand slipped between his legs, rubbing against his enlarged clit. It was a most pleasant side-effect of the testosterone he'd been taking, on and off, since he was a teenager. His mother had still never told him how she'd acquired it, and he'd long since stopped asking.
Jeff's touch was hesitant, and Bev was still getting used to him, but he was sure Jeff didn't have the heart to be rough with anyone, and it was something he appreciated very much. They shared a kiss as Bev slowly moved to straddle him while Jeff continued to work him.
Bev ended up on his stomach while Jeff prepared him. He winced a little as Jeff began to push inside, the sensation would always feel vaguely strange, but it wasn't unpleasant either. Jeff stayed close to him this time, moving slowly and deliberately. It was torturous, and it gave the pleasure a long time to build before it was finally released.
Bev loved the warm sleepy feeling that overtook him as he lay beside him afterwards. He might've gone back to sleep if he hadn't heard Kelly and Richard banging around in the kitchen. They would have to get up sooner or later, but at least, for the moment, Bev could relax, knowing he'd found someone else to trust. It was a feeling as deeply comforting as lying in Jeff's arms, half-asleep, while he gently stroked his hair.