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wolfanficsTitle: Maryland
Author: sashataakheru
Fandoms: No Doubt/Placebo RPS
Starring: Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Pairing: implied past!Tom/Tony
Previous: 1 - Punishment and Tears | 2 - Strangers And Jealousy | 3 - When The Bad Times Come | 4 - The Traitor Returns | 5 - As A Phoenix Reborn | 6 - Through The Years: Leaving The Dragon's Keep pt 1 | 7 - Beyond The Mountains: Leaving The Dragon's Keep pt 2 |
Warnings: violence, D/s themes, character death
Word Count: 3,190
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author's Notes: Setting is... SE Californian desert, near Palm Springs (IIRC). Based on a Placebo fic with a similar theme. This one took it's own journey though.
Summary: Tom, alone and with no one to look after him, goes in search of his past and the family he left behind.
Maryland
And so begins the last chapter of this story. The last final testament of my life. Everything I’ve been through, set down in writing in this tiny book. Seems oddly boring, now that I think about it. Things have been… dark. Since Ton left me, things have been … I’ve been very lonely. What started out as an attempt to reconnect with the family I left behind twenty five years ago has led me to nothing. I shouldn’t have expected my family to remember me, let alone embrace me. I’m a fucking hermit. I live alone in this fucking decrepit shack, stealing into town to busk for food money before creeping back with enough food for a day or so. There’s no power up here, see? Just me and the forest and the fucking cold snow.
It’s winter again. There’s thick snow everywhere. The conifers are covered with it. The shack is cold. I barely managed to salvage enough firewood before the snow came and the wood got wet. I’m so very far from anyone who knows me. I’m not in California anymore, if it wasn't obvious. I ended up in Maryland.
How did I end up on the other side of the continent? A vain attempt to find my family. After Ton’s funeral, I set off back to the shelter we’d left behind to tell them he’d passed on and to return the truck. I stayed long enough to talk with Madeline as she’d managed to find an address for my parents. That’s where Maryland comes in. They’d moved there about 8 years before we’d been freed, apparently, and she was pretty sure they were still there.
I thanked her for the information. The other guys in the shelter were sad to hear about Ton’s death. In the time I was there, a couple of days, they managed to get something together for me. They gave it to me as I was leaving. It was a sketch of Ton, with the names of everyone there, and all the money they could pool together. I was so touched by it. It was in a cheap plastic frame, but it didn’t matter, Ton was there, smiling at me, happy as I remembered him. It brought me to tears.
It was hard saying goodbye to them all, but I had to leave. I left the shelter and walked through town, heading towards the highway. I walked for hours until I reached the next town. I sat myself down in the pub, ordered a drink and a meal, and paused to gather my thoughts together. I stared at the address I’d been given, wondering how the hell I was going to get to Maryland. Maybe I had enough for a train fare. Did trains go that far? I had no idea. Maybe there’d be a way to get there on buses.
It was nearing midnight and I was about to head out when someone approached me, some guy I’d seen in the bar all night but didn’t take much notice of.
“Hey, you from that weird mansion place? You came here a while back, black motorbikes and shit. What are you doing here all by yourself?” he said.
I turned and looked at him, putting my bag and the guitar on the ground. “How do you know about the mansion?” I asked.
“Who doesn’t know about it? Everyone does. So, you got kicked out or sommat, yeah?” he said.
“Yeah. Mistress doesn’t love me anymore, my lover’s gone, and all my friends have deserted me. I’m trying to find my family now, though I don’t know how I’m getting there. They’re in Maryland, the other side of the country. Maybe I’ll just… I dunno. But, I have nowhere else to go. Maybe they’ll love me,” I said, not realising how sad I sounded.
“You all alone then?” he said.
“What does it look like?” I snapped. “Sorry, it’s just, it’s too soon after his death…” I said, trying to fight away the tears.
“Who died on ya?” a second man said, coming up to us.
I turned to address the second man. “My best friend, my… my lover… The one guy I loved more than anyone else in the world… I watched him waste away, whatever he had slowly taking his life away from me. He was lucky that he got to see his parents before he died. I didn’t want him dying on his own in a homeless shelter,” I said, taking out the sketch of him from my bag, smiling at him as I let the tears fall. “God, I miss him so much,” I said, holding the picture close to my chest.
“Man, that’s terrible. Where you from?” the second guy asked.
“The… I’ve…” I didn’t know what to say.
“He’s one of them mansion slaves. You know, that big mansion of a place over next town. All sorts of weirdos end up over there. How long you been there, mate?” the first guy asked.
“Twenty years, I think. I… lost count of the years long ago. I think she took me after I finished high school… I can’t even remember what my parents look like,” I said. “She left me. Mistress kicked me out with nothing. The town against me. I wished she’d have killed me instead. And I lost my Tony…”
“I heard all sorts of nasty stories about that place. Is it true she tortures you for fun?” the second said.
I hung my head. “Yeah, when she’s not punishing us. She… never loved me. She took away everything I loved. She has ripped my heart out. I don’t know why I’m even bothering to find my parents. They probably don’t love me either,” I said.
“Hey, don’t talk like that. I bet they’ve been waiting for you to walk in their front door since you went,” the first said.
“Maybe,” I said.
“You won’t know til you go. Where are you headed?” the second asked.
“Maryland. Somewhere in Baltimore. Here’s the address,” I said, handing over the piece of paper with the address on it.
“Ah yeah, I got family up that way. I’m due back there in a few months. Couldn’t hurt to head back earlier. I’ve only been here a few weeks. I’ve been seeing the country on the trains and the buses. You get to see small towns like this. More character than the big cities, I think. Come with me, we’ll go to Baltimore together,” the second man said.
“Oh, I don’t want to intrude. I don’t have a lot of money,” I said.
“Nonsense. Besides, you look like you could use a friend. The name’s Jake,” the second said.
“Well, if you’re alright with it. I suppose it’d be less lonely travelling with someone,” I said with a smile.
“You got a name?” Jake said.
“Tom. It’s the only name I’ve ever been called, so it must be mine,” I said.
“Well, Tom, come stay with me and we’ll get our journey sorted in the morning, alright?” Jake said.
“Alright. It’ll be nice to sleep somewhere inside for a change,” I said.
With that, Jake picked up my bag and my guitar and carried them for me as we headed back to the motel where he was staying. It was a pretty shabby place, but warm, cosy and homely. There were two single beds, a TV, a table with a couple of chairs and a sofa facing the TV. It wasn’t much, but it was better than sleeping on the streets.
He walked in ahead of me, putting my things on one of the beds. I followed him in, wondering who had sent this person my way.
“This can be your bed, ok? There should be some spare sheets in the cupboard over there,” he said, indicating a closet type thing by the wall.
I did as he said, finding some sheets in the cupboard and making my bed up ready to sleep in it. I put my things against the wall. I sat on the bed once I was finished, waiting for him to get ready.
“You alright? Want anything?” he said.
I looked up at him. “Can… Is there a shower round here? I’d like to get clean, if that’s possible,” I said.
“Yeah, I’ll show ya. Got some spare clothes in that bag of yours?” he said.
“Yeah, a few. I should buy some more,” I said, standing up.
“Well, follow me. Just out here it is. One of those communal things. I was thinking about a wash before bed myself,” he said, picking up a bag as well.
And so we left the cosy little room and headed over to the shower block. We were thankfully alone. I didn’t want to be naked in front of anyone else, even though I didn’t really trust Jake yet. It was one of those open shower things, with about 5 showerheads in a row. Jake seemed quite comfortable undressing. I hesitated.
“You alright, Tom? Anything bothering you? Look, I’d die for private showers too, but you get what you can find,” he said, finally standing naked in front of me.
“It’s just… Promise you won’t laugh?” I said.
“What’s to laugh about?” he said.
With that, I stripped naked, putting my clothes on a bench attached to the wall. “Look at me. Look what she’s done to me,” I said, looking down at the scars.
“Hey, you don’t have to be ashamed about that. I know what you’ve been through. Come on, let’s get you cleaned. Want me to help?” he said.
“Just… Just be gentle, ok?” I said.
He turned on one of the showers and pulled me under it. He was as gentle as Stefan had been the first time he’d washed me. But, when he started kissing my back, I had to stop him. It was too soon. I couldn’t do it.
“Stop it, Jake. Not now. Please,” I said, pulling away from him.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.
“It’s ok, it’s just… too hard to do this now. I’m sorry. Things have happened in the past… that have scarred me. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I was looking for someone else. I… don’t think I’ll ever be with anyone else again. I’ve been hurt too many times,” I said, turning away from him.
“Hey, don’t worry, I’ll back off, ok? You gonna be alright?” he said.
“Yeah, just … let me finish on my own, alright?” I said.
“Sure,” he said.
And so we finished showering in silence. We dressed again and headed back to his room, still not talking. I was actually grateful for the silence. I had horrid memories in my head that were tormenting me and I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to sleep.
When we got back to the room, we just went to bed. No point in forcing conversation. I lay there in the darkness, thinking about Ton and trying not to cry. I did cry though. I was awake all night, too scared to sleep because of the memories in my mind. I wanted Ton to be with me so badly. I missed him so much.
It must’ve been about 4 am when I got out of bed. I couldn’t stand lying there anymore. I had to get up and out of there. I wasn’t sure I trusted Jake. I grabbed my things, got dressed properly and left as silently as I could.
I walked through the dark streets til I got to the bus stop. There was only one in town. I had no idea when the bus came. I figured I’d just wait til it did come. I needed to get out of there. I sat down, got my guitar out and started to play. I played until the bus unexpectedly turned up around 8 am. I got up, got on the bus and bought a ticket to wherever it was going.
I never saw Jake again, and I was fucking glad about that. I got a weird vibe from him and when he started hitting on me in the showers, I knew something was up. And I got out of there.
I ended up in somewhere called Palm Springs. Once I had my bearings, I headed into LA on another bus. I found out how to get to where I needed to go and had to busk for some extra money to buy a ticket. One nice person who I’d ended up talking to on the bus to LA was willing to help get me cleaned up a bit. I did look like a tramp, and I suppose I should look presentable when travelling in public. I’d never worried about my appearance when I was in the mansion. It wasn’t an issue. Now it seemed I needed to worry about it. This new world was taking some getting used to.
The train journey was long and tiresome, but not altogether unpleasant. I changed trains three times on my way to Baltimore. It was a two and a half day journey. I dealt with the solitude by playing my guitar. I wrote so many songs for Ton. They didn’t all have lyrics, but it didn’t matter. Some things were better said with music, not words. I didn’t mean for my music to be heard by anyone, but it happened. They didn’t tell me to stop once I explained to them why I needed to play.
And so the journey was filled with sorrowful music. It helped pass the time anyway. No one really spoke to me, except for this old woman who came and gave me $50. She told me she was a widower, heading home after a trip to Las Vegas. She said she understood my pain and asked God to bless me and help me heal. I didn’t know what to say to that. I was so grateful for her words. I may not believe in God, but she didn’t mean anything bad with her words. I could tell she knew what I was going through. The cash was in case I needed it, which I did. I’d basically spent everything I had on the train fare. At least then, I had some cash for a taxi or something.
Baltimore was … not what I was expecting. I don’t know what I was expecting, but when I got there, I think it finally hit me that I was about to find my parents. I knew nothing about Baltimore, or where I might find them. I just had an address. I asked around, trying to find out how far away the house was and what was the best way to get there. Out of nowhere, some guy named Frank offered me a ride. He lived up that way, he said, and was familiar with the area. After he shouted me a meal, we headed off. It was only a 20-minute drive or so, but it seemed like forever. I was scared of what I might find. They might hate me. They might not even know who I am. I couldn’t remember what they looked like. How would I know I’d really found them?
When we pulled up outside the house, my nerves really got to me. The house we’d found was a white two storey thing. Tidy gardens, rose bushes, white picket fence. It was perfect, almost. With a sigh, I got out of the truck and grabbed my things from the back. Swallowing my nerves, I went up to the door and knocked. I had no idea what I’d find here.
When the door opened and I saw the face staring out at me, I wondered if I’d made a mistake. She didn’t look much like me, did she?
“Yes? What do you want?” I didn’t like the harshness in her voice.
“I… um… I’m looking for my parents… I was told they lived here.”
“And what’s your name?”
“Tom. I… I haven’t seen my parents for over 20 years. I can’t even remember their names.”
A man came to the door. “What’s all this about, love? Who’s he?”
“I’m Tom. I’m looking for my parents.”
“And what makes you think we’re your parents?” he said.
“I-I don’t know. This was the address I was given.” I handed over the piece of paper with the address on it, hoping they’d accept me.
“Well, if this is correct, we’re who you’re looking for, but I have no son. That boy ran off with some whore of a girl 20 years ago and I haven’t heard from him since. What makes you think you have the right to come back here and pretend to be our son again?” he said.
“I-I didn’t run off, I… I was taken, I think. She… she held me captive for two decades. Please, you have to believe me.”
“You let some bitch of a girl do that? Ha! Whoever your parents really were, they were a pack of cowards. And in case you didn’t know, you were adopted. You broke my wife’s heart when you left. She died 8 years ago. I hope you’re happy. You fucking killed her. I never want to see your face round here again. Now get out before I get my rifle out.”
And with that, they slammed the door in my face. I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Was I really their son? He said I was adopted. Did that mean I’d never find my parents? I was heartbroken. I turned to head back to the truck where Frank was waiting for me. I didn’t try to stop the tears. I slumped down on the curb and cried, holding my head in my hands. It was finally sinking in that I had no family or friends. I really was alone in the world.
After a while, Frank came and sat beside me. He rested an arm around my shoulders. He didn’t say anything. I let him grab me and pull me and my things into the truck when the man I had hoped was my father came out again and started shooting at us to leave. We drove. I had no idea what I’d do now. What could I do? I had nowhere to go. We ended up at the hut that would become my home. It was Frank’s. He died 6 months ago. I was allowed to continue living there as no one else wanted it but me. I continued to eke out an existence, sneaking into town to find food, busk for money and try to survive.
It’s been 5 long years. But, that’ll soon be over. By the way, my sweet prince, I’ll be with you soon. I promise I’ll never leave you this time. One last fucking drink to take away all the pain and the memories forever. One last drink to send me to sleep. One last drink to send me to my prince. One last drink… and then it’s all over.
I love you, Ton.
Tom
Author: sashataakheru
Fandoms: No Doubt/Placebo RPS
Starring: Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Pairing: implied past!Tom/Tony
Previous: 1 - Punishment and Tears | 2 - Strangers And Jealousy | 3 - When The Bad Times Come | 4 - The Traitor Returns | 5 - As A Phoenix Reborn | 6 - Through The Years: Leaving The Dragon's Keep pt 1 | 7 - Beyond The Mountains: Leaving The Dragon's Keep pt 2 |
Warnings: violence, D/s themes, character death
Word Count: 3,190
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author's Notes: Setting is... SE Californian desert, near Palm Springs (IIRC). Based on a Placebo fic with a similar theme. This one took it's own journey though.
Summary: Tom, alone and with no one to look after him, goes in search of his past and the family he left behind.
Maryland
And so begins the last chapter of this story. The last final testament of my life. Everything I’ve been through, set down in writing in this tiny book. Seems oddly boring, now that I think about it. Things have been… dark. Since Ton left me, things have been … I’ve been very lonely. What started out as an attempt to reconnect with the family I left behind twenty five years ago has led me to nothing. I shouldn’t have expected my family to remember me, let alone embrace me. I’m a fucking hermit. I live alone in this fucking decrepit shack, stealing into town to busk for food money before creeping back with enough food for a day or so. There’s no power up here, see? Just me and the forest and the fucking cold snow.
It’s winter again. There’s thick snow everywhere. The conifers are covered with it. The shack is cold. I barely managed to salvage enough firewood before the snow came and the wood got wet. I’m so very far from anyone who knows me. I’m not in California anymore, if it wasn't obvious. I ended up in Maryland.
How did I end up on the other side of the continent? A vain attempt to find my family. After Ton’s funeral, I set off back to the shelter we’d left behind to tell them he’d passed on and to return the truck. I stayed long enough to talk with Madeline as she’d managed to find an address for my parents. That’s where Maryland comes in. They’d moved there about 8 years before we’d been freed, apparently, and she was pretty sure they were still there.
I thanked her for the information. The other guys in the shelter were sad to hear about Ton’s death. In the time I was there, a couple of days, they managed to get something together for me. They gave it to me as I was leaving. It was a sketch of Ton, with the names of everyone there, and all the money they could pool together. I was so touched by it. It was in a cheap plastic frame, but it didn’t matter, Ton was there, smiling at me, happy as I remembered him. It brought me to tears.
It was hard saying goodbye to them all, but I had to leave. I left the shelter and walked through town, heading towards the highway. I walked for hours until I reached the next town. I sat myself down in the pub, ordered a drink and a meal, and paused to gather my thoughts together. I stared at the address I’d been given, wondering how the hell I was going to get to Maryland. Maybe I had enough for a train fare. Did trains go that far? I had no idea. Maybe there’d be a way to get there on buses.
It was nearing midnight and I was about to head out when someone approached me, some guy I’d seen in the bar all night but didn’t take much notice of.
“Hey, you from that weird mansion place? You came here a while back, black motorbikes and shit. What are you doing here all by yourself?” he said.
I turned and looked at him, putting my bag and the guitar on the ground. “How do you know about the mansion?” I asked.
“Who doesn’t know about it? Everyone does. So, you got kicked out or sommat, yeah?” he said.
“Yeah. Mistress doesn’t love me anymore, my lover’s gone, and all my friends have deserted me. I’m trying to find my family now, though I don’t know how I’m getting there. They’re in Maryland, the other side of the country. Maybe I’ll just… I dunno. But, I have nowhere else to go. Maybe they’ll love me,” I said, not realising how sad I sounded.
“You all alone then?” he said.
“What does it look like?” I snapped. “Sorry, it’s just, it’s too soon after his death…” I said, trying to fight away the tears.
“Who died on ya?” a second man said, coming up to us.
I turned to address the second man. “My best friend, my… my lover… The one guy I loved more than anyone else in the world… I watched him waste away, whatever he had slowly taking his life away from me. He was lucky that he got to see his parents before he died. I didn’t want him dying on his own in a homeless shelter,” I said, taking out the sketch of him from my bag, smiling at him as I let the tears fall. “God, I miss him so much,” I said, holding the picture close to my chest.
“Man, that’s terrible. Where you from?” the second guy asked.
“The… I’ve…” I didn’t know what to say.
“He’s one of them mansion slaves. You know, that big mansion of a place over next town. All sorts of weirdos end up over there. How long you been there, mate?” the first guy asked.
“Twenty years, I think. I… lost count of the years long ago. I think she took me after I finished high school… I can’t even remember what my parents look like,” I said. “She left me. Mistress kicked me out with nothing. The town against me. I wished she’d have killed me instead. And I lost my Tony…”
“I heard all sorts of nasty stories about that place. Is it true she tortures you for fun?” the second said.
I hung my head. “Yeah, when she’s not punishing us. She… never loved me. She took away everything I loved. She has ripped my heart out. I don’t know why I’m even bothering to find my parents. They probably don’t love me either,” I said.
“Hey, don’t talk like that. I bet they’ve been waiting for you to walk in their front door since you went,” the first said.
“Maybe,” I said.
“You won’t know til you go. Where are you headed?” the second asked.
“Maryland. Somewhere in Baltimore. Here’s the address,” I said, handing over the piece of paper with the address on it.
“Ah yeah, I got family up that way. I’m due back there in a few months. Couldn’t hurt to head back earlier. I’ve only been here a few weeks. I’ve been seeing the country on the trains and the buses. You get to see small towns like this. More character than the big cities, I think. Come with me, we’ll go to Baltimore together,” the second man said.
“Oh, I don’t want to intrude. I don’t have a lot of money,” I said.
“Nonsense. Besides, you look like you could use a friend. The name’s Jake,” the second said.
“Well, if you’re alright with it. I suppose it’d be less lonely travelling with someone,” I said with a smile.
“You got a name?” Jake said.
“Tom. It’s the only name I’ve ever been called, so it must be mine,” I said.
“Well, Tom, come stay with me and we’ll get our journey sorted in the morning, alright?” Jake said.
“Alright. It’ll be nice to sleep somewhere inside for a change,” I said.
With that, Jake picked up my bag and my guitar and carried them for me as we headed back to the motel where he was staying. It was a pretty shabby place, but warm, cosy and homely. There were two single beds, a TV, a table with a couple of chairs and a sofa facing the TV. It wasn’t much, but it was better than sleeping on the streets.
He walked in ahead of me, putting my things on one of the beds. I followed him in, wondering who had sent this person my way.
“This can be your bed, ok? There should be some spare sheets in the cupboard over there,” he said, indicating a closet type thing by the wall.
I did as he said, finding some sheets in the cupboard and making my bed up ready to sleep in it. I put my things against the wall. I sat on the bed once I was finished, waiting for him to get ready.
“You alright? Want anything?” he said.
I looked up at him. “Can… Is there a shower round here? I’d like to get clean, if that’s possible,” I said.
“Yeah, I’ll show ya. Got some spare clothes in that bag of yours?” he said.
“Yeah, a few. I should buy some more,” I said, standing up.
“Well, follow me. Just out here it is. One of those communal things. I was thinking about a wash before bed myself,” he said, picking up a bag as well.
And so we left the cosy little room and headed over to the shower block. We were thankfully alone. I didn’t want to be naked in front of anyone else, even though I didn’t really trust Jake yet. It was one of those open shower things, with about 5 showerheads in a row. Jake seemed quite comfortable undressing. I hesitated.
“You alright, Tom? Anything bothering you? Look, I’d die for private showers too, but you get what you can find,” he said, finally standing naked in front of me.
“It’s just… Promise you won’t laugh?” I said.
“What’s to laugh about?” he said.
With that, I stripped naked, putting my clothes on a bench attached to the wall. “Look at me. Look what she’s done to me,” I said, looking down at the scars.
“Hey, you don’t have to be ashamed about that. I know what you’ve been through. Come on, let’s get you cleaned. Want me to help?” he said.
“Just… Just be gentle, ok?” I said.
He turned on one of the showers and pulled me under it. He was as gentle as Stefan had been the first time he’d washed me. But, when he started kissing my back, I had to stop him. It was too soon. I couldn’t do it.
“Stop it, Jake. Not now. Please,” I said, pulling away from him.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.
“It’s ok, it’s just… too hard to do this now. I’m sorry. Things have happened in the past… that have scarred me. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I was looking for someone else. I… don’t think I’ll ever be with anyone else again. I’ve been hurt too many times,” I said, turning away from him.
“Hey, don’t worry, I’ll back off, ok? You gonna be alright?” he said.
“Yeah, just … let me finish on my own, alright?” I said.
“Sure,” he said.
And so we finished showering in silence. We dressed again and headed back to his room, still not talking. I was actually grateful for the silence. I had horrid memories in my head that were tormenting me and I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to sleep.
When we got back to the room, we just went to bed. No point in forcing conversation. I lay there in the darkness, thinking about Ton and trying not to cry. I did cry though. I was awake all night, too scared to sleep because of the memories in my mind. I wanted Ton to be with me so badly. I missed him so much.
It must’ve been about 4 am when I got out of bed. I couldn’t stand lying there anymore. I had to get up and out of there. I wasn’t sure I trusted Jake. I grabbed my things, got dressed properly and left as silently as I could.
I walked through the dark streets til I got to the bus stop. There was only one in town. I had no idea when the bus came. I figured I’d just wait til it did come. I needed to get out of there. I sat down, got my guitar out and started to play. I played until the bus unexpectedly turned up around 8 am. I got up, got on the bus and bought a ticket to wherever it was going.
I never saw Jake again, and I was fucking glad about that. I got a weird vibe from him and when he started hitting on me in the showers, I knew something was up. And I got out of there.
I ended up in somewhere called Palm Springs. Once I had my bearings, I headed into LA on another bus. I found out how to get to where I needed to go and had to busk for some extra money to buy a ticket. One nice person who I’d ended up talking to on the bus to LA was willing to help get me cleaned up a bit. I did look like a tramp, and I suppose I should look presentable when travelling in public. I’d never worried about my appearance when I was in the mansion. It wasn’t an issue. Now it seemed I needed to worry about it. This new world was taking some getting used to.
The train journey was long and tiresome, but not altogether unpleasant. I changed trains three times on my way to Baltimore. It was a two and a half day journey. I dealt with the solitude by playing my guitar. I wrote so many songs for Ton. They didn’t all have lyrics, but it didn’t matter. Some things were better said with music, not words. I didn’t mean for my music to be heard by anyone, but it happened. They didn’t tell me to stop once I explained to them why I needed to play.
And so the journey was filled with sorrowful music. It helped pass the time anyway. No one really spoke to me, except for this old woman who came and gave me $50. She told me she was a widower, heading home after a trip to Las Vegas. She said she understood my pain and asked God to bless me and help me heal. I didn’t know what to say to that. I was so grateful for her words. I may not believe in God, but she didn’t mean anything bad with her words. I could tell she knew what I was going through. The cash was in case I needed it, which I did. I’d basically spent everything I had on the train fare. At least then, I had some cash for a taxi or something.
Baltimore was … not what I was expecting. I don’t know what I was expecting, but when I got there, I think it finally hit me that I was about to find my parents. I knew nothing about Baltimore, or where I might find them. I just had an address. I asked around, trying to find out how far away the house was and what was the best way to get there. Out of nowhere, some guy named Frank offered me a ride. He lived up that way, he said, and was familiar with the area. After he shouted me a meal, we headed off. It was only a 20-minute drive or so, but it seemed like forever. I was scared of what I might find. They might hate me. They might not even know who I am. I couldn’t remember what they looked like. How would I know I’d really found them?
When we pulled up outside the house, my nerves really got to me. The house we’d found was a white two storey thing. Tidy gardens, rose bushes, white picket fence. It was perfect, almost. With a sigh, I got out of the truck and grabbed my things from the back. Swallowing my nerves, I went up to the door and knocked. I had no idea what I’d find here.
When the door opened and I saw the face staring out at me, I wondered if I’d made a mistake. She didn’t look much like me, did she?
“Yes? What do you want?” I didn’t like the harshness in her voice.
“I… um… I’m looking for my parents… I was told they lived here.”
“And what’s your name?”
“Tom. I… I haven’t seen my parents for over 20 years. I can’t even remember their names.”
A man came to the door. “What’s all this about, love? Who’s he?”
“I’m Tom. I’m looking for my parents.”
“And what makes you think we’re your parents?” he said.
“I-I don’t know. This was the address I was given.” I handed over the piece of paper with the address on it, hoping they’d accept me.
“Well, if this is correct, we’re who you’re looking for, but I have no son. That boy ran off with some whore of a girl 20 years ago and I haven’t heard from him since. What makes you think you have the right to come back here and pretend to be our son again?” he said.
“I-I didn’t run off, I… I was taken, I think. She… she held me captive for two decades. Please, you have to believe me.”
“You let some bitch of a girl do that? Ha! Whoever your parents really were, they were a pack of cowards. And in case you didn’t know, you were adopted. You broke my wife’s heart when you left. She died 8 years ago. I hope you’re happy. You fucking killed her. I never want to see your face round here again. Now get out before I get my rifle out.”
And with that, they slammed the door in my face. I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Was I really their son? He said I was adopted. Did that mean I’d never find my parents? I was heartbroken. I turned to head back to the truck where Frank was waiting for me. I didn’t try to stop the tears. I slumped down on the curb and cried, holding my head in my hands. It was finally sinking in that I had no family or friends. I really was alone in the world.
After a while, Frank came and sat beside me. He rested an arm around my shoulders. He didn’t say anything. I let him grab me and pull me and my things into the truck when the man I had hoped was my father came out again and started shooting at us to leave. We drove. I had no idea what I’d do now. What could I do? I had nowhere to go. We ended up at the hut that would become my home. It was Frank’s. He died 6 months ago. I was allowed to continue living there as no one else wanted it but me. I continued to eke out an existence, sneaking into town to find food, busk for money and try to survive.
It’s been 5 long years. But, that’ll soon be over. By the way, my sweet prince, I’ll be with you soon. I promise I’ll never leave you this time. One last fucking drink to take away all the pain and the memories forever. One last drink to send me to sleep. One last drink to send me to my prince. One last drink… and then it’s all over.
I love you, Ton.
Tom