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wolfanficsTitle: Strangers and Jealousy
Author: sashataakheru
Fandoms: No Doubt/Placebo RPS
Starring: Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Pairing: Tony/Brian; Tom/Stefan
Previous: 1 - Punishment and Tears
Warnings: violence, D/s themes, implied drug use
Word Count: 7,727
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author's Notes: Setting is... SE Californian desert, near Palm Springs (IIRC). Based on a Placebo fic with a similar theme. This one took it's own journey though.
This one is the longest of the series, I think, just so you know.
Summary: Basically, Tom's dealing with not being with Tony, knowing there's no one in the entire mansion who loves him, and wondering if he's slowly going mad...
Strangers and Jealousy
It had been several weeks since our punishment, and the loneliness was taking over again. Every day I did my work as usual. It became a form of meditation, I suppose, a way to escape from the world and travel to Ton again. God, I missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since the punishment, and no one was willing to gossip. I didn’t even know if he was still in the mansion. Things plodded on as usual until she brought three new servants back. Then, things began to get interesting.
I don’t know where she found them, or how she managed to spirit them away. They were strangers to me: a tall blonde guy, a slightly shorter guy with dark hair, and a thin, pale, tiny person I couldn’t identify as male or female. The smallest person struck me as familiar, but I couldn’t identify them.
I had been called to the door to meet her and the new servants. I found Adrian waiting there as well. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence. We didn’t have to wait long for them to arrive.
She breezed in, gliding along the floor, a chain in hand connected to two of the three people behind her. The smallest one wasn’t chained, and I suspected that was because she favoured them somehow. Either way, they were bouncing excitedly when they entered the mansion, gawking at how beautiful it was. Yes, she’d done a fantastic job with the décor. The mansion was indeed very beautiful. I stood back and watched her deal with the little one. She walked up to them and slapped them hard. They froze, and I could see their bottom lip begin to tremble. Somehow, I don’t think this person was used to being chastised. I could see fear creeping into their blue-green eyes.
She waved me over, and I approached with my head bowed slightly.
“Take our new servants to their quarters. Just those two, they’ll be in your wing. The little one’s staying with me,” she said. Her voice was sharp and to the point.
Leaving the smallest one behind, I took the chain from her and led the two new servants to their quarters. We walked in silence through the halls of the mansion. For some reason, I instinctively didn’t trust them, though that may have been due to months of isolation, and the fact that I didn’t know them.
My distrust was set in concrete when I saw their rooms. She clearly favoured them. Their rooms were luxury compared to mine. They had luxury plush carpets; I had scungy old rugs on a concrete floor. They had huge king-size four-poster beds with beautiful wool and cotton bed linen; I had a single bed that was too small with ragged, smelly sheets and blankets and one dodgy smelling pillow. They had fireplaces, huge comfy chairs, huge closets and beautiful wooden furniture; I had a small oil lamp, a rickety old chair, an old wooden box for my clothes and a milk crate for a table. They had beautiful en suites; I had a bed pan and an old jug. They were excited to be in such luxury; my heart filled with jealousy, and I wondered who these people were to show up and get better rooms than me. I left them without a word and went back to my room to cry.
They must’ve followed me because a few minutes later, I heard a knock on my door. It had to be them. No one else bothers to knock. I was lying face down on my tiny bed crying. I didn’t want to see them. I decided not to say anything, hoping they’d just go away. I was not in the mood for company.
When it was clear they weren’t going anywhere, I yelled, “What the fuck do you want?”
I heard the door open, though I didn’t bother to look over at them. “Hey, are you-” a voice ventured.
“Fuck off. You shouldn’t be associating with me.”
“Why’s that?” the same voice answered.
“Because you’re obviously higher up than me. You don’t associate with menial staff. Now, fuck off and leave me alone.”
“You’re Tom, though, right?” a second voice said.
“Who the fuck wants to know?”
“Well, I’m Steve and this is Stefan. Gwen talked a lot about you on the way here. I just wanted to see if it was all true. You really fucked Tony, didn’t you?” the second voice said.
Now, I turned to face them. They’d mentioned Ton. How much did she tell them? “I was forced to fuckin’ rape him, ok? Now, fuck off. I’m in no mood for company. I don’t want to get in trouble again. Besides, Ton doesn’t want to know me anymore, not that I’ve seen him since then…” I stopped myself before I let them get to me. “You should go. I’ll get in trouble again.”
The first voice, now identified as Stefan, came in and sat next to me on the bed. He was the tall blonde. He looked at me. “You would pass up an opportunity for companionship?” he said.
“My vow doesn’t allow it. I’m bound to love only her, and no one else. If I break that vow, she’ll punish me again. I’m sorry. I can’t talk with you anymore. If someone sees us-”
“Why should they care?” Stefan said.
“You don’t know what you’ve gotten yourselves in for. She rules this mansion. She owns our lives. We serve in complete obedience or she will punish us, and believe me, the punishment is all too real. You should’ve run while you had the chance.”
“Don’t worry, everything’ll be alright. You just wait and see,” Stefan said.
I was staring at the ground now, wishing that they would leave. They were risking punishment and trouble if they stayed any longer. When Adrian came in and broke the silence, I breathed a sigh of relief, for once glad to see him.
“Come on, you three. It’s time for the vows.” Adrian didn’t sound mean or spiteful this time, though his gaze was unnerving.
I stood up and led them out of my room. We followed behind Adrian all the way to her audience chamber where she has new servants swear their vows.
When we arrived, it seemed that she had called everyone together for this event. There she sat, looking resplendent in dark blue velvet, sitting in her golden throne. It was clear that she was in charge. Tony and “the little one” sat passive and still at her feet. The little one was dressed in black, keeping their head lowered as they gazed out over the crowd. They had a nasty twisted smile on their face that scared me. They weren’t chained, and I could sense some sort of power from them.
It was the first time I’d seen Ton since we’d been separated. He looked miserable, sitting there in chains. I tried to catch his gaze, but he refused to see me. He had his head down and his body slumped, a sign I knew well as despair and hopelessness. I’d seen him sit like this for hours back when we shared a room together. Something was wrong. Somehow, I got the feeling that she was more taken with the new one and that Ton was out of her favour for once, and by the way he was sitting, he didn’t like this at all. Perhaps she was being harsher to him now that she had a new plaything. Who knew?
“Hey, how’d she get Bri to behave so quickly? He’s never that well-behaved with us,” I heard Stefan whisper to Steve as they saw their companion sitting at her feet.
So the little one was a guy. I tried to work out who he might be.
“Give him time. He’ll throw a tantrum then she’ll know what she’s gotten herself in for. Plus, he’ll start stealing her clothes and putting her make-up on,” Steve whispered back.
The mention of a tantrum seemed to resonate in my mind, and I suddenly recalled the name of the little one. Brian Molko. God, he was small. I’d never met him, only heard about his reputation as something of a princess and a drama queen. He really was small. He wasn’t as well-built as Ton, his body thin and his skin pale. He had a beautiful face, black hair he wore in a girlish bob, and probably about the same amount of make-up she was wearing. He had fascinating eyes, deep blue-green. He had an intense gaze that was focussed across the crowd that suggested a deeper side to him than the diva I’d heard about. It was quite an unnerving gaze, and you didn’t want to look at him.
She stood up then, and the whole room fell silent. Ton and Brian stayed in their places. Everyone turned to look at her.
“My dear loyal servants, today, we welcome two new members to our fold. Before you, they will recite their vows and swear loyalty only to me. Bring them forward, Adrian.”
At her words, Adrian pushed Steve and Stefan forward towards her throne. He made them kneel before her. Brian was perfectly still. They recited their vows before her, their heads bowed and their backs bent. When they were done, she bid them stand and face the crowd. What she said next shocked me no end.
“These two are high in my favour” – No kidding, I thought – “and will take on the role of High Servants. They will take charge of all the servants in this household. I do not want to hear any complaints. They still answer to me, as do you all. Now, they may choose two as their underlings, one each as personal servants. I’ll leave that decision up to them for the moment, since they’ve only just arrived-”
“Actually, I’d like to make my choice now, if that’s alright,” Stefan said, interrupting her.
She looked at him, somewhat surprised, but not at all worried. “Spotted someone already?" she said with a half-smile.
“Yes, actually, I have. I’ll take Tom, if that’s not too much trouble.”
I almost didn’t believe my ears. She didn’t seem too fazed by his choice, and beckoned me forward. I walked through the crowds, unsure as to whether this was all real. I knelt before Stefan and her, my head bowed.
“Tom, you have been chosen by Stefan to serve him. Be loyal and obey his word. One fuck up – and I mean, just one fuck up – and I’ll rip you apart, ok?”
I was scared of the nasty sound of her voice that accompanied the threat. I remained where I was. Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. At first, I shrunk from the touch until a hand lifted my head up. I looked into Stefan’s eyes, wondering where this sudden burst of kindness had come from. I looked over at her, wondering if this action was allowed. She didn’t look too worried, so I didn’t look worried. Kindness is somewhat of a rarity in the mansion.
After a long speech about obedience I didn’t really listen to, she dismissed everyone. I felt bad at not listening, but I was overcome with my new appointment and I was trying to sort out whether I was happy or not. I was sent to follow Stefan and Steve to their quarters to get a handle on what they wanted me to do. I stayed close to Stefan, as I was his chosen servant. On our way to their rooms, we stopped outside my room.
“Why are we here?” I said.
“Get your stuff. You’ll be staying with me where I can keep an eye on you,” Stefan said.
“I’ll leave you boys to it, then. I gotta find me a servant,” Steve said and left.
I looked at Stefan, incredulous. He wanted me to stay with him in his beautiful room. It felt so wrong, yet he wouldn’t be so stupid as to offer it to me without her approval. I tried to work out whether he was lying or not.
“Go on, get your stuff. We’ll get you set up in my room, hey? Didn’t I say everything would be alright?”
Still doubting his word, I obeyed and gathered my few possessions. All I had were a couple of changes of clothes, my journal, a couple of worn down pencils and a small pocket knife she didn’t know I had. It was actually quite depressing to see all my possessions here gathered in my arms.
With an arm around my shoulders, he led me to his room. It didn’t feel right, stepping across the threshold, but he was taller than me and stronger than his thin frame suggested, and he pulled me inside, shutting the door behind him. I just stood there, not knowing what I was supposed to do. He took my things from me, took one look at my clothes and threw them away.
“It’ll never do to have my servant looking so scruffy. See if there’s anything in the wardrobe that you like.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to such an order, and after a little hesitation, I did look through the closet, looking at all the clothes in there, trying to find something I liked. I found a few things and put them on the bed. I didn’t even go for the really nice stuff. It wasn’t my place. I waited for him to finish unpacking. Then he looked over at me and the clothes I’d chosen. He seemed to approve.
“Go and get cleaned up. A hot shower will do you some good. Then you can try this lot on,” he said, gesturing to the clothes.
Again, I hesitated. I still didn’t trust him, even though he seemed nice enough. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a shower, or a wash of any sort. I suppose I’d gotten used to my life.
“Go on, it’s ok. You look like you could do with a wash. I suppose you don’t get this chance very often. And stop with the silence. I’m not going to bite your head off. Lost your voice all of a sudden?” he said.
I didn’t know what to say to that. “I… sorry Master, I-”
“Call me Stefan. Master shits me. Now, go wash. Do I need to undress you?” There was a tiny hint of anger in his voice, but it seemed more playful than anything.
“No, Stefan, I’m sorry-”
“Look, I’m not out to hurt you, ok? You don’t need to be afraid of me,” he said as he walked up to me.
I craned my neck to meet his eyes. God, he was tall. It was weird looking up at him. I still didn’t know anything about him. He was a complete stranger to me. I knew his name and that he played – bass was it? – with Placebo, nothing more than that. I didn’t even know where he was from. I couldn’t pick his accent. He looked younger than me, but he sounded much older, and I couldn’t have guessed his age.
“How do I know I can trust you? I don’t know you at all.”
“You’ll just have to trust me. I can assure you that Gwen’d punish you far worse than I would. I’d just tie you down and fuck your brains out,” he said with a grin.
I looked into his eyes. I could only see honesty. I’d spend many lonely months pining for company, and now that I had it, I was afraid of it because I didn’t want him to leave and reject me like Ton had.
“You’ll leave me, just like Ton did. She doesn’t love me. Ton doesn’t love me. No one loves me.” I was nearly crying now, for no other reason than he’d brought me to thinking about my loneliness. “I serve her completely and obediently, yet she has no love for me! She demands that she be the only one in my heart, yet I’m not in hers. She wouldn’t fuckin’ miss me if I left!” Yep, I was crying then. I could feel the loneliness and the depression – that terrible heavy darkness – creeping into my mind again.
“I won’t leave you. You have my word on that. You need me just as I need you. Now, come on, enough tears. Let me wash you. I’ll show you that you can trust me.”
A voice in my head said I’d never get another chance at happiness and that I should take it while I could, so I let him undress me and lead me into the en suite. I could see him in the mirror staring at my back as he ran a bath for me. I felt him brush his fingers over what I assumed was scar tissue. It was hard to tell. I hadn’t seen how badly she’d scarred me.
“Did she-?” He didn’t need to finish that sentence. I knew what he meant.
“Yeah, who else? That was several months ago when she last punished me. How bad are they? I haven’t had a chance to see them.”
“My God. There’s so many of them.” I could hear his disbelief and horror at the scarring. Obviously, it was worse than I had imagined. I suddenly felt his arms around me, and as much as I wanted to keep the tears at bay, I couldn’t any longer. The memories and the pain came flooding back. I covered my face with my hands as my body shuddered. He held me still, turning around to face me. His arms were strong, and I felt safe. He didn’t say a word.
Once the bath was run, he helped me in and started washing me. He was so gentle, and paid great attention to getting every inch of me clean. He was so selfless about it, making sure everything he did was what I wanted him to do. I’d never had anyone do anything so selfless for me before. He made me forget about the pain, about the loneliness, about everything. When he was done, he helped me out and dried me off. Everything he did was gentle. It was hard not to trust him after that.
We went back out to the bedroom and he helped dress me. I did feel better for being clean and in new clothes. It was just strange. Why wasn’t she like this? Why did she insist only on pain and dominance? Where was her heart and why wasn’t I in it? What had I done to lose her love for me? I was certain she had loved me once. I didn’t know where it had gone, though, not that I’d ever ask her about it. She would see it as defiance, and I didn’t want to be punished again.
He brought me into his arms then and held me tightly. I resisted for a moment before hugging him back. It felt good to be in someone’s arms again, even the arms of this kind stranger. It made me realise just how much I missed being with Ton – with anyone, really – since I’d spent an awful lot of time on my own. I couldn’t find anything to say. That instinctive need to be held and loved suddenly came on very strongly. When you go without for so long, when it turns up again, it comes on strong. I must admit that I’d forgotten how much I needed that physical contact.
After what seemed like several minutes, he let go and pulled me over to the bed. He beckoned me to follow him as he sat up the end of the bed, arranging the pillows against the headboard. He held his arms open, wanting me to come to him. It didn’t take much to convince me to come. I’d found someone who was kind to me. I wasn’t going to mess with that. I crept into his arms and he held me tight. I leant my head against his chest, my arms around him, finally feeling like I’d found someone to love. He stroked my hair gently. I gave in then. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else. I wanted to know who has sent him to me, but I didn’t know which Higher Power to ask. I wasn’t sure I even believed in a Higher Power anymore. I still didn’t know who he was, really, and sat up next to him as he accommodated my movement.
“Tell me who you are. I don’t know anything about you.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll find out in due course.”
“How old are you then?”
“Six years your junior.”
“No way are you younger than me. You sound older.”
“This life ages you quicker than most, at least with us it did. You learn to grow up fast or get trampled on.”
“Where the hell are you from? I can’t pick your accent.”
He laughed now, seeing my confusion. “It’s what you get living in too many different places. I’m Swedish, went to school in Luxemburg, and I’ve lived in London for the band. I’m beginning to feel like I don’t know where home is. Too many different places. I suppose I’m stuck here now. It doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving.”
“Of course not, she wouldn’t allow it. Two weeks in here and you’ll lose your sense of time anyway. This place fucks with your body clock. You end up not caring about time, just when to work and when to sleep. This life is so physically demanding, so draining… This is much harder than being in a band. Every day you go to work, you get off and go back to your room, hoping that this time you’ll sleep maybe four or five hours before you wake up and stare at the ceiling praying to anyone who’ll listen for the strength to continue before being called back to work… I think I hate it here.”
He hugged me close and kissed my head softly. “Don’t worry. We’ll get through this. You’re not what I’d usually go for in a guy, but two lonely souls like us might be able to find peace with each other, if you’re up for it of course.”
Suddenly, a lot of things made sense. I pulled away from him, freaked out and drawn to him at once.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you-”
“Don’t worry. I don’t make a point of it when I’m alone. Brian eggs me on. You’re ok with that, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, of course, it’s just weird, that’s all. I mean, I want the company, but I’m not sure if that’s what I want, that’s all.” Of course, it was what I wanted. It was all I wanted. I couldn’t muster the courage to tell him because of the differences in our ranks.
“It’s not like I’m going to force you or anything. I can always get Steve round for a fuck if I need to. Then, I’ll watch him go as he continues to claim he’s straight, silly boy.’ He laughed again. “If you’re not up for it, that’s fine. I can be content with friends for now.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t want to get in trouble again. I shouldn’t love you. If she finds out, she’ll punish me again.”
“Who said anything about love? I can disguise it as my orders. Besides, I can see how much you love Tony. It’s in your eyes. He really hurt you, didn’t he?”
“All I wanted was someone to love me, and he refused. I kissed him one night when he was half asleep and high on whatever he had taken that day. We fooled around for a bit, but he pushed me away and told me to fuck off. He didn’t speak to me for three days. That’s what he always did, every time I tried to be with him. Push me away and tell me to fuck off. Back then, she only summoned me every now and then to play for her, not that she’d let me have a guitar to practice with. The rest of the time, I was alone in our room. She’s never wanted me sexually, so I was always given the physical work, or worse, left alone like an unwanted child, never called on for any reason. She has Ton and Adro to please her body, and now Brian too, I see. Everyone else keeps her fed, the mansion clean and the grounds impeccable. I’m just a fuckin’ workhorse for her, an old, useless, unwanted slave she doesn’t love anymore.”
“I can get you a guitar if you really want one. Then you can serenade me before bed. You can sing, can’t you?” He smiled, and I couldn’t resist smiling back.
“I can hold a tune. I don’t claim any real talent. I’m not as good as her, or Stephen and Gabe. I did some singing classes at college while I was learning classical guitar. She mainly calls me for my playing rather than my singing, though it hasn’t stopped me writing songs. Being alone so much, you tend to start talking to yourself, and the song-writing was actually quite a good way to stop me going mad. I went through hell to get my journal and the pencils, but it was worth it.”
Actually, college was one of the few memories I did remember with fondness. I held onto those memories probably because they were the few memories I had of the outside world. Sure, I’d been taken by her before that, and college was part of my training, but I still looked upon them fondly. They were some of the happiest days of my life, well, the ones that I can remember anyway. My memory’s a bit sketchy round those times. It scares me that I can’t really remember much of my life before I was around 20 years old. My parents are vague, my home is … practically non-existent. I have trouble remembering where I was born, where I went to school, the sorts of things most people take for granted. I’ve spent nights crying to myself, trying to remember anything of my life before I came here. When I can’t remember anything, I’ve felt even more alone and unwanted.
“Can I read them?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. They’re not very good.” I handed over my journal, feeling a kind of release at finding someone to confide in.
He sat there quietly reading my journal. After a while, he started humming bass lines. It was weird. I’d written my heart and soul into that book, and I wouldn’t have shared it with anyone. I must’ve trusted him implicitly to share something so personal.
“Wow, there’s some pretty deep stuff here. You really have been through hell, haven’t you? The words are just beautiful. How do you get so much emotion into them?”
“Too much practice being alone and embracing whatever emotion comes my way. I kinda got obsessive about emotions, and I’d pour everything into the songs, absolutely everything. That was the only thing keeping me sane, I’m sure. They’re not that good.”
“Don’t say that, they really are good. We’ll play them one day. I’ll get you a guitar and show you how good they are.”
“It’ll be strange to hear them. I’ve only had them running around in my head. Without a guitar, I’ve had to rely on my mind to get the chords right. They’re fucked. They’re gonna sound awful.”
“They won’t. You just wait. If anything, the one thing I get from your lyrics is a pure heart. There’s so much pain in your life and you’ve been used so much… How did you end up here?”
“Being too quick to trust people. Being too quick to trust her. By the time I’d seen who she really was, it was too late to get out. That’s why I’m still here. Besides, I’m too selfless. I care about other people more than I care about myself. I’m a perfect servant.”
“I’d never take advantage of you, you know. I’ll be here whether you want a friend or a lover. Now, where do you want to sleep?”
“Tradition states that when assigned to a Master as a personal servant, we are to sleep at the end of their bed to guard them from anyone wanting to hurt them.”
“Is that where you want to sleep?”
“If you’re asking whether I want to sleep in your bed with you, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that, not yet anyway.”
I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. My mouth was saying the opposite of what my brain was thinking. I wanted to be with him, but I knew the difference in our ranks was a larger barrier than my desire. At least Ton and I had been on the same level.
“Fair enough, I was just making sure it was what you wanted. Let’s get your bed set up then. Go wait in Steve’s room. I want to surprise you.”
I was curious as to what he meant by surprise me, but I obeyed and went to Steve’s room. Being so well trained, I just knelt on the floor by the door, waiting for him to retrieve me. I kept my head bowed and my hands resting on my knees, as she had taught us. I waited for what must’ve been a couple of hours alone before he came to retrieve me. I was blindfolded and led back to his room. When he removed the blindfold, I was certainly surprised.
Not only had he found a single bed, it was big enough for me and made out of mahogany. There were gorgeously soft sheets on it, and I could instantly tell it would be wonderful to sleep in. Then I spotted the guitar. It was just too much. It wasn’t fitting with my position.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s lovely, Stefan, but I can’t accept this. It’s too much. It’s not my place. I don’t deserve this.”
“Yes, you fucking do. I’m not having my servant sleeping on the floor with dirty blankets. I have certain standards, you know. You won’t disobey me, will you?”
“No, Stefan, I-”
“Then, accept my judgement on this. Now, take your guitar and play for me. I know you have a beautiful voice.”
I didn’t want to disobey him, so I took the guitar, sat on my new bed and looked through my journal for something to play. I noticed him getting out his bass and coming to sit next to me. I found a song and started to play. My voice wasn’t all that good, but my guitar made up for it. After a while, he started playing a bass line. He seemed to know exactly what to play, where to go, everything. It was as if he’d written them the same time I’d written mine. It was kinda creepy. I’d never had the same rapport with anyone else but Ton. At that thought, I did silently pine for Ton to be playing with me instead of Stefan, but the instant bond that seemed to form between Stefan and me forced Ton out of my head for the first time in months.
We played together for what seemed like hours until we were summoned by her, told to bring our instruments to her private rooms. I was going to leave my note book behind as I didn’t want to let out that I had it, but Stefan grabbed it at the last minute, telling me that I might need it.
When we arrived, we found her reclined on her huge bed, Ton and Brian by her side looking particularly malevolent. We knelt before her, placing our instruments on the ground beside us and waited for her to speak.
“I’ve heard nothing but music for the last God knows how many hours. Now, I’m assuming it’s coming from you. Who wrote those songs?”
She sounded slightly irritated, but I felt it was more because she really wanted to know who the words belonged to. I found that slightly disturbing, as I hadn’t expected her to be moved by my music. I didn’t even realise that they’d heard it.
“I did, Mistress. I wasn’t aware that you’d heard them. I won’t play them anymore if it’s your desire,” I said.
“No, no, please play them for me. I want to hear them now.”
She sounded too eager for me to cope with. I looked at Stefan and we sat on the ground, getting comfortable. I placed the journal between us and flicked through it, deciding which piece to play. Stefan turned to one of the later ones I’d written.
“Play that one first, then we’ll work our way through them, ok?”
I took his word and began to play. I concentrated on playing, we both did, not daring to glance at her reaction.
Once the last note faded and we’d played every song in my journal, I became aware of the sound of crying. I looked up at the bed and saw her collapsed on the bed. Brian was huddled up to her, presumably trying to comfort her. Then I saw Ton. He seemed to be halfway between angry and sad. My music had obviously affected him, but I couldn’t work out how.
We remained silent, waiting to be addressed. I didn’t think she was angry with us because if she’d wanted us to stop, she would’ve told us to stop, right? At least, she would’ve by my logic. She’s unpredictable at the best of times. Who knew how she was going to react?
We sat there for what seemed like hours, at least, it seemed a very long time. Then she lifted her head and looked me directly in the eye. I couldn’t resist her gaze, nor did I want to. Her eyes seemed angry, confused and sad all at the same time.
“Just – get out. Get outta my fuckin’ room! Don’t play those songs again!”
At her word, Stefan and I grabbed our instruments and my journal and ran like hell. We ran all the way back to Stefan’s room – our room – and hurriedly stashed our instruments away. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what to make of such a reaction. I was on the verge of tears.
“I knew she wouldn’t like them, Stefan. I spend God knows how long pouring my heart out and that’s all the reaction I get. I never should’ve written them. It’s all bullshit. Tony hates me, I can tell.”
“Hey, calm down, Tom. She did like them. Why do you think she started crying? You touched a part of her soul she has been ignoring for years, and she’s scared of it.”
He sat me down on the edge of the bed and put his arms around me. I looked at him. I couldn’t find anything to say. Now, the tears fell freely.
“Don’t worry about Tony. You touched him too. He couldn’t ignore such a powerful display of affection. Let’s just get some rest. I have a feeling this is much bigger than she’s making it out to be.”
I let him pull me into his bed; I didn’t have the strength or the heart to fight him. I slept in his arms that night, wanting him to hold me more than anything else in the world.
The next few days were strange, to say the least. No one saw her, and the mansion came to a standstill. We all knew something was wrong, not that we knew what. Stefan and I spent those few days with Steve and his servant, a girl I barely knew named Sophie. I played my guitar softly, almost afraid to touch it, but any noise was better than silence.
At one point, I asked to go for a walk. I had the feeling I was the cause of this latest problem, and I needed some space to think things through. Stefan let me go and I wandered around the mansion. It was eerily silent and empty, what with all the servants staying in their rooms. I didn’t see anyone til I got to the abandoned wing of the mansion. I liked coming here to think because no one else came here and it had a room that looked out over the lake. It was good for getting at least a small glimpse of the outside world, even if you couldn’t go into it.
Sometimes, I’d sit in the sunlight and just bask in the warmth. Tony’d taught me how to meditate, and I’d spend any free time I could grasp sitting by the window, staring out at the world I hadn’t been in for many years, wondering what it was like out there. Meditation helped me cope with the loneliness to a certain extent, but it never made it go away for good. I tried praying to a divine figure of some vague description, but gave up when I felt nothing.
If the Gods didn’t even care for me, then I figured I really was useless and unloved. I had nothing left to believe in. She didn’t love me, Tony didn’t love me, and the Gods didn’t love me. I loved them back as best I could, but not receiving any love from them was nothing short of dehumanising.
I was unwanted, unloved, a useless slave child she kept around but never used. I was a robot that survived to entertain her on the rare occasions she called me to her, no name, no face, and no heart to be loved. My heart would break when she’d insult my playing by calling me No Face. I felt like crawling up and dying. I knew I was nothing to her. I was the one everyone used when they got bored. Master and servant alike made it their duty to abuse me, whether it was bashing, fucking, starving or just humiliating me. I was the lowest of the low; I’m sure most of them didn’t even think of me as human. They all delighted in reminding me of my place.
I walked through the dusty halls til I heard voices, or at least the mumbled utterances of people. It sounded like they were making out, or it did to my brain at least. I followed the sounds until I found the people they belonged to. I was about 5 meters away when I saw them. My heart broke. There was Tony and Brian in a small alcove, making out. So it wasn’t just my imagination. I felt betrayed. Had my songs had no effect on him at all? I was angry that I’d risked putting my love to the world – to my Mistress – and he’d thrown it into the mud and trampled on it. I watched them kissing and my anger grew. I didn’t want to let them know I was watching them, but I couldn’t stand to see them so affectionate.
“Do I mean nothing to you?” I think I sounded angrier than I had intended, but it didn’t matter.
Tony looked at me. I could see no love in his eyes. “Fuck off, Tom. You might belong to Stefan now, but you’re still at the bottom. Keep your soppy love to yourself and get the fuck outta my life.”
“Ton, no, you don’t mean that-”
“Oh, I do fuckin’ mean it. I didn’t deserve to be punished when you stupidly confessed your love for me. I did nothing wrong! I didn’t want your love. How much clearer did I have to be? I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now. You raped me, if you remember, you fuckwit. If you really did love me, you wouldn’t have obeyed such an order. For that, you are a betrayer, and I don’t ever want to speak to you again.”
I was hurt by his anger and felt a stab of jealousy at his privileged position. My heart broke as I remembered the rape. Before I had time to realise what was going on, Brian leapt at me, shoving me away with a strength I wasn’t expecting him to have. He caught me off guard and I stepped backwards, trying not to fall.
“Fuck off! Stay away from him, pathetic fuck! Why would he want to fuck a creature like you? Go find yourself a bitch and leave us alone!” Brian screamed.
I think I was crying then. Brian’s words hurt like hell and his whiny voice really didn’t help. He’d smashed his fist into my jaw before I could fend him off. In my confusion, he’d punched me in the stomach, and from what I could gather, he and Tony managed to get me to the floor. They were both stronger than I had anticipated. All I felt were blows to every part of my body, their fists hitting everything.
“This’ll teach you to come crawling after him, you bitch!” I hated Brian’s voice. I’d never imagined him being like this.
I felt someone sit on my shoulders, their legs holding my head still. I struggled to get them off, but they grabbed my arms and tied my hands together in front of me. My shoulders began to ache then. Someone was messing with my pants, and I tried to kick them off, but that only seemed to infuriate them. Before I knew what was happening, I felt an explosion of pain as if someone had impaled me. I would’ve screamed as I felt someone smashing into my ass, but whoever was sitting on me had tied a scarf round my head to keep me quiet. I thought it was Brian smashing into me as it didn’t feel heavy enough to be Tony, but then I saw white hands caressing my face and suddenly felt a surge of dread as I realised Tony was raping me. It felt like the ultimate betrayal, even though I felt I deserved it. I raped him on her orders in fear of punishment. He raped me out of vengeance and pain. What was worse was knowing he’d get away with it.
I can’t remember how long I lay there. Tony seemed to take forever to cum. The pain was unbearable. He was making it as rough as possible, just like I’d done to him on her orders. Eventually they left me, taking the scarf gag with them, though leaving my hands tied. I cringed as I heard them laughing as they retreated into the mansion, as if the attack had been some sort of game. I felt sick and sore. Then I heard someone run up to me and roll me over onto my back. I looked up into Stefan’s worried face as he cut my hands free.
"Stefan, I’m sorry, I-”
“Sh. I’m here now, baby. Come on, I’ll carry you back.”
He carefully pulled my pants back up and picked me up in his strong arms. He carried me back to our room and lay me on the bed. He sat next to me, stroking my bruised face. He looked so worried for me. I must’ve been bashed up pretty bad judging by the look on Steve’s face.
“Hey, what the hell happened to him?”
“I think Tony and Brian got to him, though I don’t know what triggered the attack.”
“They were so strong… and so brutal. I didn’t know Brian could be so violent… I didn’t know Tony hated me so much… he raped me as payback for the time I was forced to rape him…” my voice tailed off as the pain came to my mind again.
“I had hoped that wasn’t the case, but I was scared that was what had happened to you. Your ass was red and bleeding. God, I was afraid for you.”
He just held me tight, and I could feel how hurt and worried he was. I think he felt partly responsible for Brian. I couldn’t find anything to say. Steve and Sophie stayed, and after a while, Sophie was sent for food and drink. While we were waiting, Stefan tended to the bruises. When she returned, Stefan sat me up and fed me, never leaving my side. He seemed worried about something.
“What’s wrong? Something’s bothering you.” I said.
“I don’t like this at all. Would you think Brian capable of this, Steve? I mean, he can be violent, but he’s not brutal. He’s not like that. She’s done something to him. I don’t know what, but that’s not our Brian.”
“The Brian I know wouldn’t get so possessive of someone to the point of violence. There’s something not right there.”
“He was so… his words stung so badly… I mean, he’s so much stronger than he looks. You wouldn’t blame me for saying I hated him would you?”
“If he’d beaten me up that badly, I’d hate him too. What happened exactly? You didn’t go seeking Tony out did you?”
“Far from it. I didn’t want to anywhere near them. I wanted to be alone, so I went to the abandoned wing where no one goes. I heard noises and went to see who was there, cos I usually don’t find anyone else there. Turns out Tony and Brian are there hiding in an alcove, making out. I was going to leave, but I just got so angry and I felt so betrayed that after I’d poured my heart out to him, he didn’t seem to care. When I confronted him, he just told me to fuck off and that he didn’t want to speak to me ever again. Then Brian charged at me and started attacking me. They managed to get me to the ground and they started bashing me. Then I felt him…”
I just couldn’t go on. It was suddenly too painful to talk about. Stefan just held me again. He sent Steve and Sophie away and we settled down to sleep. He was still holding me when we woke. We couldn’t have imagined what the next few days were going to be like.
To be continued…
Author: sashataakheru
Fandoms: No Doubt/Placebo RPS
Starring: Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Pairing: Tony/Brian; Tom/Stefan
Previous: 1 - Punishment and Tears
Warnings: violence, D/s themes, implied drug use
Word Count: 7,727
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author's Notes: Setting is... SE Californian desert, near Palm Springs (IIRC). Based on a Placebo fic with a similar theme. This one took it's own journey though.
This one is the longest of the series, I think, just so you know.
Summary: Basically, Tom's dealing with not being with Tony, knowing there's no one in the entire mansion who loves him, and wondering if he's slowly going mad...
Strangers and Jealousy
It had been several weeks since our punishment, and the loneliness was taking over again. Every day I did my work as usual. It became a form of meditation, I suppose, a way to escape from the world and travel to Ton again. God, I missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since the punishment, and no one was willing to gossip. I didn’t even know if he was still in the mansion. Things plodded on as usual until she brought three new servants back. Then, things began to get interesting.
I don’t know where she found them, or how she managed to spirit them away. They were strangers to me: a tall blonde guy, a slightly shorter guy with dark hair, and a thin, pale, tiny person I couldn’t identify as male or female. The smallest person struck me as familiar, but I couldn’t identify them.
I had been called to the door to meet her and the new servants. I found Adrian waiting there as well. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence. We didn’t have to wait long for them to arrive.
She breezed in, gliding along the floor, a chain in hand connected to two of the three people behind her. The smallest one wasn’t chained, and I suspected that was because she favoured them somehow. Either way, they were bouncing excitedly when they entered the mansion, gawking at how beautiful it was. Yes, she’d done a fantastic job with the décor. The mansion was indeed very beautiful. I stood back and watched her deal with the little one. She walked up to them and slapped them hard. They froze, and I could see their bottom lip begin to tremble. Somehow, I don’t think this person was used to being chastised. I could see fear creeping into their blue-green eyes.
She waved me over, and I approached with my head bowed slightly.
“Take our new servants to their quarters. Just those two, they’ll be in your wing. The little one’s staying with me,” she said. Her voice was sharp and to the point.
Leaving the smallest one behind, I took the chain from her and led the two new servants to their quarters. We walked in silence through the halls of the mansion. For some reason, I instinctively didn’t trust them, though that may have been due to months of isolation, and the fact that I didn’t know them.
My distrust was set in concrete when I saw their rooms. She clearly favoured them. Their rooms were luxury compared to mine. They had luxury plush carpets; I had scungy old rugs on a concrete floor. They had huge king-size four-poster beds with beautiful wool and cotton bed linen; I had a single bed that was too small with ragged, smelly sheets and blankets and one dodgy smelling pillow. They had fireplaces, huge comfy chairs, huge closets and beautiful wooden furniture; I had a small oil lamp, a rickety old chair, an old wooden box for my clothes and a milk crate for a table. They had beautiful en suites; I had a bed pan and an old jug. They were excited to be in such luxury; my heart filled with jealousy, and I wondered who these people were to show up and get better rooms than me. I left them without a word and went back to my room to cry.
They must’ve followed me because a few minutes later, I heard a knock on my door. It had to be them. No one else bothers to knock. I was lying face down on my tiny bed crying. I didn’t want to see them. I decided not to say anything, hoping they’d just go away. I was not in the mood for company.
When it was clear they weren’t going anywhere, I yelled, “What the fuck do you want?”
I heard the door open, though I didn’t bother to look over at them. “Hey, are you-” a voice ventured.
“Fuck off. You shouldn’t be associating with me.”
“Why’s that?” the same voice answered.
“Because you’re obviously higher up than me. You don’t associate with menial staff. Now, fuck off and leave me alone.”
“You’re Tom, though, right?” a second voice said.
“Who the fuck wants to know?”
“Well, I’m Steve and this is Stefan. Gwen talked a lot about you on the way here. I just wanted to see if it was all true. You really fucked Tony, didn’t you?” the second voice said.
Now, I turned to face them. They’d mentioned Ton. How much did she tell them? “I was forced to fuckin’ rape him, ok? Now, fuck off. I’m in no mood for company. I don’t want to get in trouble again. Besides, Ton doesn’t want to know me anymore, not that I’ve seen him since then…” I stopped myself before I let them get to me. “You should go. I’ll get in trouble again.”
The first voice, now identified as Stefan, came in and sat next to me on the bed. He was the tall blonde. He looked at me. “You would pass up an opportunity for companionship?” he said.
“My vow doesn’t allow it. I’m bound to love only her, and no one else. If I break that vow, she’ll punish me again. I’m sorry. I can’t talk with you anymore. If someone sees us-”
“Why should they care?” Stefan said.
“You don’t know what you’ve gotten yourselves in for. She rules this mansion. She owns our lives. We serve in complete obedience or she will punish us, and believe me, the punishment is all too real. You should’ve run while you had the chance.”
“Don’t worry, everything’ll be alright. You just wait and see,” Stefan said.
I was staring at the ground now, wishing that they would leave. They were risking punishment and trouble if they stayed any longer. When Adrian came in and broke the silence, I breathed a sigh of relief, for once glad to see him.
“Come on, you three. It’s time for the vows.” Adrian didn’t sound mean or spiteful this time, though his gaze was unnerving.
I stood up and led them out of my room. We followed behind Adrian all the way to her audience chamber where she has new servants swear their vows.
When we arrived, it seemed that she had called everyone together for this event. There she sat, looking resplendent in dark blue velvet, sitting in her golden throne. It was clear that she was in charge. Tony and “the little one” sat passive and still at her feet. The little one was dressed in black, keeping their head lowered as they gazed out over the crowd. They had a nasty twisted smile on their face that scared me. They weren’t chained, and I could sense some sort of power from them.
It was the first time I’d seen Ton since we’d been separated. He looked miserable, sitting there in chains. I tried to catch his gaze, but he refused to see me. He had his head down and his body slumped, a sign I knew well as despair and hopelessness. I’d seen him sit like this for hours back when we shared a room together. Something was wrong. Somehow, I got the feeling that she was more taken with the new one and that Ton was out of her favour for once, and by the way he was sitting, he didn’t like this at all. Perhaps she was being harsher to him now that she had a new plaything. Who knew?
“Hey, how’d she get Bri to behave so quickly? He’s never that well-behaved with us,” I heard Stefan whisper to Steve as they saw their companion sitting at her feet.
So the little one was a guy. I tried to work out who he might be.
“Give him time. He’ll throw a tantrum then she’ll know what she’s gotten herself in for. Plus, he’ll start stealing her clothes and putting her make-up on,” Steve whispered back.
The mention of a tantrum seemed to resonate in my mind, and I suddenly recalled the name of the little one. Brian Molko. God, he was small. I’d never met him, only heard about his reputation as something of a princess and a drama queen. He really was small. He wasn’t as well-built as Ton, his body thin and his skin pale. He had a beautiful face, black hair he wore in a girlish bob, and probably about the same amount of make-up she was wearing. He had fascinating eyes, deep blue-green. He had an intense gaze that was focussed across the crowd that suggested a deeper side to him than the diva I’d heard about. It was quite an unnerving gaze, and you didn’t want to look at him.
She stood up then, and the whole room fell silent. Ton and Brian stayed in their places. Everyone turned to look at her.
“My dear loyal servants, today, we welcome two new members to our fold. Before you, they will recite their vows and swear loyalty only to me. Bring them forward, Adrian.”
At her words, Adrian pushed Steve and Stefan forward towards her throne. He made them kneel before her. Brian was perfectly still. They recited their vows before her, their heads bowed and their backs bent. When they were done, she bid them stand and face the crowd. What she said next shocked me no end.
“These two are high in my favour” – No kidding, I thought – “and will take on the role of High Servants. They will take charge of all the servants in this household. I do not want to hear any complaints. They still answer to me, as do you all. Now, they may choose two as their underlings, one each as personal servants. I’ll leave that decision up to them for the moment, since they’ve only just arrived-”
“Actually, I’d like to make my choice now, if that’s alright,” Stefan said, interrupting her.
She looked at him, somewhat surprised, but not at all worried. “Spotted someone already?" she said with a half-smile.
“Yes, actually, I have. I’ll take Tom, if that’s not too much trouble.”
I almost didn’t believe my ears. She didn’t seem too fazed by his choice, and beckoned me forward. I walked through the crowds, unsure as to whether this was all real. I knelt before Stefan and her, my head bowed.
“Tom, you have been chosen by Stefan to serve him. Be loyal and obey his word. One fuck up – and I mean, just one fuck up – and I’ll rip you apart, ok?”
I was scared of the nasty sound of her voice that accompanied the threat. I remained where I was. Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. At first, I shrunk from the touch until a hand lifted my head up. I looked into Stefan’s eyes, wondering where this sudden burst of kindness had come from. I looked over at her, wondering if this action was allowed. She didn’t look too worried, so I didn’t look worried. Kindness is somewhat of a rarity in the mansion.
After a long speech about obedience I didn’t really listen to, she dismissed everyone. I felt bad at not listening, but I was overcome with my new appointment and I was trying to sort out whether I was happy or not. I was sent to follow Stefan and Steve to their quarters to get a handle on what they wanted me to do. I stayed close to Stefan, as I was his chosen servant. On our way to their rooms, we stopped outside my room.
“Why are we here?” I said.
“Get your stuff. You’ll be staying with me where I can keep an eye on you,” Stefan said.
“I’ll leave you boys to it, then. I gotta find me a servant,” Steve said and left.
I looked at Stefan, incredulous. He wanted me to stay with him in his beautiful room. It felt so wrong, yet he wouldn’t be so stupid as to offer it to me without her approval. I tried to work out whether he was lying or not.
“Go on, get your stuff. We’ll get you set up in my room, hey? Didn’t I say everything would be alright?”
Still doubting his word, I obeyed and gathered my few possessions. All I had were a couple of changes of clothes, my journal, a couple of worn down pencils and a small pocket knife she didn’t know I had. It was actually quite depressing to see all my possessions here gathered in my arms.
With an arm around my shoulders, he led me to his room. It didn’t feel right, stepping across the threshold, but he was taller than me and stronger than his thin frame suggested, and he pulled me inside, shutting the door behind him. I just stood there, not knowing what I was supposed to do. He took my things from me, took one look at my clothes and threw them away.
“It’ll never do to have my servant looking so scruffy. See if there’s anything in the wardrobe that you like.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to such an order, and after a little hesitation, I did look through the closet, looking at all the clothes in there, trying to find something I liked. I found a few things and put them on the bed. I didn’t even go for the really nice stuff. It wasn’t my place. I waited for him to finish unpacking. Then he looked over at me and the clothes I’d chosen. He seemed to approve.
“Go and get cleaned up. A hot shower will do you some good. Then you can try this lot on,” he said, gesturing to the clothes.
Again, I hesitated. I still didn’t trust him, even though he seemed nice enough. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a shower, or a wash of any sort. I suppose I’d gotten used to my life.
“Go on, it’s ok. You look like you could do with a wash. I suppose you don’t get this chance very often. And stop with the silence. I’m not going to bite your head off. Lost your voice all of a sudden?” he said.
I didn’t know what to say to that. “I… sorry Master, I-”
“Call me Stefan. Master shits me. Now, go wash. Do I need to undress you?” There was a tiny hint of anger in his voice, but it seemed more playful than anything.
“No, Stefan, I’m sorry-”
“Look, I’m not out to hurt you, ok? You don’t need to be afraid of me,” he said as he walked up to me.
I craned my neck to meet his eyes. God, he was tall. It was weird looking up at him. I still didn’t know anything about him. He was a complete stranger to me. I knew his name and that he played – bass was it? – with Placebo, nothing more than that. I didn’t even know where he was from. I couldn’t pick his accent. He looked younger than me, but he sounded much older, and I couldn’t have guessed his age.
“How do I know I can trust you? I don’t know you at all.”
“You’ll just have to trust me. I can assure you that Gwen’d punish you far worse than I would. I’d just tie you down and fuck your brains out,” he said with a grin.
I looked into his eyes. I could only see honesty. I’d spend many lonely months pining for company, and now that I had it, I was afraid of it because I didn’t want him to leave and reject me like Ton had.
“You’ll leave me, just like Ton did. She doesn’t love me. Ton doesn’t love me. No one loves me.” I was nearly crying now, for no other reason than he’d brought me to thinking about my loneliness. “I serve her completely and obediently, yet she has no love for me! She demands that she be the only one in my heart, yet I’m not in hers. She wouldn’t fuckin’ miss me if I left!” Yep, I was crying then. I could feel the loneliness and the depression – that terrible heavy darkness – creeping into my mind again.
“I won’t leave you. You have my word on that. You need me just as I need you. Now, come on, enough tears. Let me wash you. I’ll show you that you can trust me.”
A voice in my head said I’d never get another chance at happiness and that I should take it while I could, so I let him undress me and lead me into the en suite. I could see him in the mirror staring at my back as he ran a bath for me. I felt him brush his fingers over what I assumed was scar tissue. It was hard to tell. I hadn’t seen how badly she’d scarred me.
“Did she-?” He didn’t need to finish that sentence. I knew what he meant.
“Yeah, who else? That was several months ago when she last punished me. How bad are they? I haven’t had a chance to see them.”
“My God. There’s so many of them.” I could hear his disbelief and horror at the scarring. Obviously, it was worse than I had imagined. I suddenly felt his arms around me, and as much as I wanted to keep the tears at bay, I couldn’t any longer. The memories and the pain came flooding back. I covered my face with my hands as my body shuddered. He held me still, turning around to face me. His arms were strong, and I felt safe. He didn’t say a word.
Once the bath was run, he helped me in and started washing me. He was so gentle, and paid great attention to getting every inch of me clean. He was so selfless about it, making sure everything he did was what I wanted him to do. I’d never had anyone do anything so selfless for me before. He made me forget about the pain, about the loneliness, about everything. When he was done, he helped me out and dried me off. Everything he did was gentle. It was hard not to trust him after that.
We went back out to the bedroom and he helped dress me. I did feel better for being clean and in new clothes. It was just strange. Why wasn’t she like this? Why did she insist only on pain and dominance? Where was her heart and why wasn’t I in it? What had I done to lose her love for me? I was certain she had loved me once. I didn’t know where it had gone, though, not that I’d ever ask her about it. She would see it as defiance, and I didn’t want to be punished again.
He brought me into his arms then and held me tightly. I resisted for a moment before hugging him back. It felt good to be in someone’s arms again, even the arms of this kind stranger. It made me realise just how much I missed being with Ton – with anyone, really – since I’d spent an awful lot of time on my own. I couldn’t find anything to say. That instinctive need to be held and loved suddenly came on very strongly. When you go without for so long, when it turns up again, it comes on strong. I must admit that I’d forgotten how much I needed that physical contact.
After what seemed like several minutes, he let go and pulled me over to the bed. He beckoned me to follow him as he sat up the end of the bed, arranging the pillows against the headboard. He held his arms open, wanting me to come to him. It didn’t take much to convince me to come. I’d found someone who was kind to me. I wasn’t going to mess with that. I crept into his arms and he held me tight. I leant my head against his chest, my arms around him, finally feeling like I’d found someone to love. He stroked my hair gently. I gave in then. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else. I wanted to know who has sent him to me, but I didn’t know which Higher Power to ask. I wasn’t sure I even believed in a Higher Power anymore. I still didn’t know who he was, really, and sat up next to him as he accommodated my movement.
“Tell me who you are. I don’t know anything about you.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll find out in due course.”
“How old are you then?”
“Six years your junior.”
“No way are you younger than me. You sound older.”
“This life ages you quicker than most, at least with us it did. You learn to grow up fast or get trampled on.”
“Where the hell are you from? I can’t pick your accent.”
He laughed now, seeing my confusion. “It’s what you get living in too many different places. I’m Swedish, went to school in Luxemburg, and I’ve lived in London for the band. I’m beginning to feel like I don’t know where home is. Too many different places. I suppose I’m stuck here now. It doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving.”
“Of course not, she wouldn’t allow it. Two weeks in here and you’ll lose your sense of time anyway. This place fucks with your body clock. You end up not caring about time, just when to work and when to sleep. This life is so physically demanding, so draining… This is much harder than being in a band. Every day you go to work, you get off and go back to your room, hoping that this time you’ll sleep maybe four or five hours before you wake up and stare at the ceiling praying to anyone who’ll listen for the strength to continue before being called back to work… I think I hate it here.”
He hugged me close and kissed my head softly. “Don’t worry. We’ll get through this. You’re not what I’d usually go for in a guy, but two lonely souls like us might be able to find peace with each other, if you’re up for it of course.”
Suddenly, a lot of things made sense. I pulled away from him, freaked out and drawn to him at once.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you-”
“Don’t worry. I don’t make a point of it when I’m alone. Brian eggs me on. You’re ok with that, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, of course, it’s just weird, that’s all. I mean, I want the company, but I’m not sure if that’s what I want, that’s all.” Of course, it was what I wanted. It was all I wanted. I couldn’t muster the courage to tell him because of the differences in our ranks.
“It’s not like I’m going to force you or anything. I can always get Steve round for a fuck if I need to. Then, I’ll watch him go as he continues to claim he’s straight, silly boy.’ He laughed again. “If you’re not up for it, that’s fine. I can be content with friends for now.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t want to get in trouble again. I shouldn’t love you. If she finds out, she’ll punish me again.”
“Who said anything about love? I can disguise it as my orders. Besides, I can see how much you love Tony. It’s in your eyes. He really hurt you, didn’t he?”
“All I wanted was someone to love me, and he refused. I kissed him one night when he was half asleep and high on whatever he had taken that day. We fooled around for a bit, but he pushed me away and told me to fuck off. He didn’t speak to me for three days. That’s what he always did, every time I tried to be with him. Push me away and tell me to fuck off. Back then, she only summoned me every now and then to play for her, not that she’d let me have a guitar to practice with. The rest of the time, I was alone in our room. She’s never wanted me sexually, so I was always given the physical work, or worse, left alone like an unwanted child, never called on for any reason. She has Ton and Adro to please her body, and now Brian too, I see. Everyone else keeps her fed, the mansion clean and the grounds impeccable. I’m just a fuckin’ workhorse for her, an old, useless, unwanted slave she doesn’t love anymore.”
“I can get you a guitar if you really want one. Then you can serenade me before bed. You can sing, can’t you?” He smiled, and I couldn’t resist smiling back.
“I can hold a tune. I don’t claim any real talent. I’m not as good as her, or Stephen and Gabe. I did some singing classes at college while I was learning classical guitar. She mainly calls me for my playing rather than my singing, though it hasn’t stopped me writing songs. Being alone so much, you tend to start talking to yourself, and the song-writing was actually quite a good way to stop me going mad. I went through hell to get my journal and the pencils, but it was worth it.”
Actually, college was one of the few memories I did remember with fondness. I held onto those memories probably because they were the few memories I had of the outside world. Sure, I’d been taken by her before that, and college was part of my training, but I still looked upon them fondly. They were some of the happiest days of my life, well, the ones that I can remember anyway. My memory’s a bit sketchy round those times. It scares me that I can’t really remember much of my life before I was around 20 years old. My parents are vague, my home is … practically non-existent. I have trouble remembering where I was born, where I went to school, the sorts of things most people take for granted. I’ve spent nights crying to myself, trying to remember anything of my life before I came here. When I can’t remember anything, I’ve felt even more alone and unwanted.
“Can I read them?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. They’re not very good.” I handed over my journal, feeling a kind of release at finding someone to confide in.
He sat there quietly reading my journal. After a while, he started humming bass lines. It was weird. I’d written my heart and soul into that book, and I wouldn’t have shared it with anyone. I must’ve trusted him implicitly to share something so personal.
“Wow, there’s some pretty deep stuff here. You really have been through hell, haven’t you? The words are just beautiful. How do you get so much emotion into them?”
“Too much practice being alone and embracing whatever emotion comes my way. I kinda got obsessive about emotions, and I’d pour everything into the songs, absolutely everything. That was the only thing keeping me sane, I’m sure. They’re not that good.”
“Don’t say that, they really are good. We’ll play them one day. I’ll get you a guitar and show you how good they are.”
“It’ll be strange to hear them. I’ve only had them running around in my head. Without a guitar, I’ve had to rely on my mind to get the chords right. They’re fucked. They’re gonna sound awful.”
“They won’t. You just wait. If anything, the one thing I get from your lyrics is a pure heart. There’s so much pain in your life and you’ve been used so much… How did you end up here?”
“Being too quick to trust people. Being too quick to trust her. By the time I’d seen who she really was, it was too late to get out. That’s why I’m still here. Besides, I’m too selfless. I care about other people more than I care about myself. I’m a perfect servant.”
“I’d never take advantage of you, you know. I’ll be here whether you want a friend or a lover. Now, where do you want to sleep?”
“Tradition states that when assigned to a Master as a personal servant, we are to sleep at the end of their bed to guard them from anyone wanting to hurt them.”
“Is that where you want to sleep?”
“If you’re asking whether I want to sleep in your bed with you, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that, not yet anyway.”
I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. My mouth was saying the opposite of what my brain was thinking. I wanted to be with him, but I knew the difference in our ranks was a larger barrier than my desire. At least Ton and I had been on the same level.
“Fair enough, I was just making sure it was what you wanted. Let’s get your bed set up then. Go wait in Steve’s room. I want to surprise you.”
I was curious as to what he meant by surprise me, but I obeyed and went to Steve’s room. Being so well trained, I just knelt on the floor by the door, waiting for him to retrieve me. I kept my head bowed and my hands resting on my knees, as she had taught us. I waited for what must’ve been a couple of hours alone before he came to retrieve me. I was blindfolded and led back to his room. When he removed the blindfold, I was certainly surprised.
Not only had he found a single bed, it was big enough for me and made out of mahogany. There were gorgeously soft sheets on it, and I could instantly tell it would be wonderful to sleep in. Then I spotted the guitar. It was just too much. It wasn’t fitting with my position.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s lovely, Stefan, but I can’t accept this. It’s too much. It’s not my place. I don’t deserve this.”
“Yes, you fucking do. I’m not having my servant sleeping on the floor with dirty blankets. I have certain standards, you know. You won’t disobey me, will you?”
“No, Stefan, I-”
“Then, accept my judgement on this. Now, take your guitar and play for me. I know you have a beautiful voice.”
I didn’t want to disobey him, so I took the guitar, sat on my new bed and looked through my journal for something to play. I noticed him getting out his bass and coming to sit next to me. I found a song and started to play. My voice wasn’t all that good, but my guitar made up for it. After a while, he started playing a bass line. He seemed to know exactly what to play, where to go, everything. It was as if he’d written them the same time I’d written mine. It was kinda creepy. I’d never had the same rapport with anyone else but Ton. At that thought, I did silently pine for Ton to be playing with me instead of Stefan, but the instant bond that seemed to form between Stefan and me forced Ton out of my head for the first time in months.
We played together for what seemed like hours until we were summoned by her, told to bring our instruments to her private rooms. I was going to leave my note book behind as I didn’t want to let out that I had it, but Stefan grabbed it at the last minute, telling me that I might need it.
When we arrived, we found her reclined on her huge bed, Ton and Brian by her side looking particularly malevolent. We knelt before her, placing our instruments on the ground beside us and waited for her to speak.
“I’ve heard nothing but music for the last God knows how many hours. Now, I’m assuming it’s coming from you. Who wrote those songs?”
She sounded slightly irritated, but I felt it was more because she really wanted to know who the words belonged to. I found that slightly disturbing, as I hadn’t expected her to be moved by my music. I didn’t even realise that they’d heard it.
“I did, Mistress. I wasn’t aware that you’d heard them. I won’t play them anymore if it’s your desire,” I said.
“No, no, please play them for me. I want to hear them now.”
She sounded too eager for me to cope with. I looked at Stefan and we sat on the ground, getting comfortable. I placed the journal between us and flicked through it, deciding which piece to play. Stefan turned to one of the later ones I’d written.
“Play that one first, then we’ll work our way through them, ok?”
I took his word and began to play. I concentrated on playing, we both did, not daring to glance at her reaction.
Once the last note faded and we’d played every song in my journal, I became aware of the sound of crying. I looked up at the bed and saw her collapsed on the bed. Brian was huddled up to her, presumably trying to comfort her. Then I saw Ton. He seemed to be halfway between angry and sad. My music had obviously affected him, but I couldn’t work out how.
We remained silent, waiting to be addressed. I didn’t think she was angry with us because if she’d wanted us to stop, she would’ve told us to stop, right? At least, she would’ve by my logic. She’s unpredictable at the best of times. Who knew how she was going to react?
We sat there for what seemed like hours, at least, it seemed a very long time. Then she lifted her head and looked me directly in the eye. I couldn’t resist her gaze, nor did I want to. Her eyes seemed angry, confused and sad all at the same time.
“Just – get out. Get outta my fuckin’ room! Don’t play those songs again!”
At her word, Stefan and I grabbed our instruments and my journal and ran like hell. We ran all the way back to Stefan’s room – our room – and hurriedly stashed our instruments away. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what to make of such a reaction. I was on the verge of tears.
“I knew she wouldn’t like them, Stefan. I spend God knows how long pouring my heart out and that’s all the reaction I get. I never should’ve written them. It’s all bullshit. Tony hates me, I can tell.”
“Hey, calm down, Tom. She did like them. Why do you think she started crying? You touched a part of her soul she has been ignoring for years, and she’s scared of it.”
He sat me down on the edge of the bed and put his arms around me. I looked at him. I couldn’t find anything to say. Now, the tears fell freely.
“Don’t worry about Tony. You touched him too. He couldn’t ignore such a powerful display of affection. Let’s just get some rest. I have a feeling this is much bigger than she’s making it out to be.”
I let him pull me into his bed; I didn’t have the strength or the heart to fight him. I slept in his arms that night, wanting him to hold me more than anything else in the world.
The next few days were strange, to say the least. No one saw her, and the mansion came to a standstill. We all knew something was wrong, not that we knew what. Stefan and I spent those few days with Steve and his servant, a girl I barely knew named Sophie. I played my guitar softly, almost afraid to touch it, but any noise was better than silence.
At one point, I asked to go for a walk. I had the feeling I was the cause of this latest problem, and I needed some space to think things through. Stefan let me go and I wandered around the mansion. It was eerily silent and empty, what with all the servants staying in their rooms. I didn’t see anyone til I got to the abandoned wing of the mansion. I liked coming here to think because no one else came here and it had a room that looked out over the lake. It was good for getting at least a small glimpse of the outside world, even if you couldn’t go into it.
Sometimes, I’d sit in the sunlight and just bask in the warmth. Tony’d taught me how to meditate, and I’d spend any free time I could grasp sitting by the window, staring out at the world I hadn’t been in for many years, wondering what it was like out there. Meditation helped me cope with the loneliness to a certain extent, but it never made it go away for good. I tried praying to a divine figure of some vague description, but gave up when I felt nothing.
If the Gods didn’t even care for me, then I figured I really was useless and unloved. I had nothing left to believe in. She didn’t love me, Tony didn’t love me, and the Gods didn’t love me. I loved them back as best I could, but not receiving any love from them was nothing short of dehumanising.
I was unwanted, unloved, a useless slave child she kept around but never used. I was a robot that survived to entertain her on the rare occasions she called me to her, no name, no face, and no heart to be loved. My heart would break when she’d insult my playing by calling me No Face. I felt like crawling up and dying. I knew I was nothing to her. I was the one everyone used when they got bored. Master and servant alike made it their duty to abuse me, whether it was bashing, fucking, starving or just humiliating me. I was the lowest of the low; I’m sure most of them didn’t even think of me as human. They all delighted in reminding me of my place.
I walked through the dusty halls til I heard voices, or at least the mumbled utterances of people. It sounded like they were making out, or it did to my brain at least. I followed the sounds until I found the people they belonged to. I was about 5 meters away when I saw them. My heart broke. There was Tony and Brian in a small alcove, making out. So it wasn’t just my imagination. I felt betrayed. Had my songs had no effect on him at all? I was angry that I’d risked putting my love to the world – to my Mistress – and he’d thrown it into the mud and trampled on it. I watched them kissing and my anger grew. I didn’t want to let them know I was watching them, but I couldn’t stand to see them so affectionate.
“Do I mean nothing to you?” I think I sounded angrier than I had intended, but it didn’t matter.
Tony looked at me. I could see no love in his eyes. “Fuck off, Tom. You might belong to Stefan now, but you’re still at the bottom. Keep your soppy love to yourself and get the fuck outta my life.”
“Ton, no, you don’t mean that-”
“Oh, I do fuckin’ mean it. I didn’t deserve to be punished when you stupidly confessed your love for me. I did nothing wrong! I didn’t want your love. How much clearer did I have to be? I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now. You raped me, if you remember, you fuckwit. If you really did love me, you wouldn’t have obeyed such an order. For that, you are a betrayer, and I don’t ever want to speak to you again.”
I was hurt by his anger and felt a stab of jealousy at his privileged position. My heart broke as I remembered the rape. Before I had time to realise what was going on, Brian leapt at me, shoving me away with a strength I wasn’t expecting him to have. He caught me off guard and I stepped backwards, trying not to fall.
“Fuck off! Stay away from him, pathetic fuck! Why would he want to fuck a creature like you? Go find yourself a bitch and leave us alone!” Brian screamed.
I think I was crying then. Brian’s words hurt like hell and his whiny voice really didn’t help. He’d smashed his fist into my jaw before I could fend him off. In my confusion, he’d punched me in the stomach, and from what I could gather, he and Tony managed to get me to the floor. They were both stronger than I had anticipated. All I felt were blows to every part of my body, their fists hitting everything.
“This’ll teach you to come crawling after him, you bitch!” I hated Brian’s voice. I’d never imagined him being like this.
I felt someone sit on my shoulders, their legs holding my head still. I struggled to get them off, but they grabbed my arms and tied my hands together in front of me. My shoulders began to ache then. Someone was messing with my pants, and I tried to kick them off, but that only seemed to infuriate them. Before I knew what was happening, I felt an explosion of pain as if someone had impaled me. I would’ve screamed as I felt someone smashing into my ass, but whoever was sitting on me had tied a scarf round my head to keep me quiet. I thought it was Brian smashing into me as it didn’t feel heavy enough to be Tony, but then I saw white hands caressing my face and suddenly felt a surge of dread as I realised Tony was raping me. It felt like the ultimate betrayal, even though I felt I deserved it. I raped him on her orders in fear of punishment. He raped me out of vengeance and pain. What was worse was knowing he’d get away with it.
I can’t remember how long I lay there. Tony seemed to take forever to cum. The pain was unbearable. He was making it as rough as possible, just like I’d done to him on her orders. Eventually they left me, taking the scarf gag with them, though leaving my hands tied. I cringed as I heard them laughing as they retreated into the mansion, as if the attack had been some sort of game. I felt sick and sore. Then I heard someone run up to me and roll me over onto my back. I looked up into Stefan’s worried face as he cut my hands free.
"Stefan, I’m sorry, I-”
“Sh. I’m here now, baby. Come on, I’ll carry you back.”
He carefully pulled my pants back up and picked me up in his strong arms. He carried me back to our room and lay me on the bed. He sat next to me, stroking my bruised face. He looked so worried for me. I must’ve been bashed up pretty bad judging by the look on Steve’s face.
“Hey, what the hell happened to him?”
“I think Tony and Brian got to him, though I don’t know what triggered the attack.”
“They were so strong… and so brutal. I didn’t know Brian could be so violent… I didn’t know Tony hated me so much… he raped me as payback for the time I was forced to rape him…” my voice tailed off as the pain came to my mind again.
“I had hoped that wasn’t the case, but I was scared that was what had happened to you. Your ass was red and bleeding. God, I was afraid for you.”
He just held me tight, and I could feel how hurt and worried he was. I think he felt partly responsible for Brian. I couldn’t find anything to say. Steve and Sophie stayed, and after a while, Sophie was sent for food and drink. While we were waiting, Stefan tended to the bruises. When she returned, Stefan sat me up and fed me, never leaving my side. He seemed worried about something.
“What’s wrong? Something’s bothering you.” I said.
“I don’t like this at all. Would you think Brian capable of this, Steve? I mean, he can be violent, but he’s not brutal. He’s not like that. She’s done something to him. I don’t know what, but that’s not our Brian.”
“The Brian I know wouldn’t get so possessive of someone to the point of violence. There’s something not right there.”
“He was so… his words stung so badly… I mean, he’s so much stronger than he looks. You wouldn’t blame me for saying I hated him would you?”
“If he’d beaten me up that badly, I’d hate him too. What happened exactly? You didn’t go seeking Tony out did you?”
“Far from it. I didn’t want to anywhere near them. I wanted to be alone, so I went to the abandoned wing where no one goes. I heard noises and went to see who was there, cos I usually don’t find anyone else there. Turns out Tony and Brian are there hiding in an alcove, making out. I was going to leave, but I just got so angry and I felt so betrayed that after I’d poured my heart out to him, he didn’t seem to care. When I confronted him, he just told me to fuck off and that he didn’t want to speak to me ever again. Then Brian charged at me and started attacking me. They managed to get me to the ground and they started bashing me. Then I felt him…”
I just couldn’t go on. It was suddenly too painful to talk about. Stefan just held me again. He sent Steve and Sophie away and we settled down to sleep. He was still holding me when we woke. We couldn’t have imagined what the next few days were going to be like.
To be continued…
