Sashataakheru (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wolfanfics) wrote2009-02-01 05:31 pm
wolfanfics) wrote2009-02-01 05:31 pm
Entry tags:
Multi-fandom Crack: Icon Wars pt 2
Title: Icon Wars
Author: sashataakheru
Multifandom: The Chaser/CNNNNverse/Spicks & Specks/Egyptian Mythology/Mock The Week/The Lion King/of Montreal/JJJ/Garbage/James Bond/ABC Newscaff/MS Office/Doctor Who/The Legend of Zelda/metafandom
Starring: 3D Clippit, Andrew Hansen, Charles Firth, Chas Liccardello, Chris Taylor, Craig Reucassel, Dom Knight, Julian Morrow; Adam Hills, Adminch Bunny, Admish Bunny, Hamish Blake, Tim Minchin; Aset, Djehuty, Heru-sa-aset, Sobek, Wepwawet; Dara O Briain, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard's leg; Kevin Barnes, robot!Shirley Manson, Shirley Manson; Marieke Hardy, Myf Warhurst; Tony Jones. Zira; Mistress Ibdjehuty; The Dot, F1, Office Logo, Merlin, Mother Nature, Links, and Rocky (the other Office XP Office Assistants); references to Google, anti-virus programs and Daleks
Pairings: 3D Clippit/Adam Hills; Adminch Bunny/Admish Bunny; Andrew Hansen/Aset; Charles Firth/Chas Liccardello; Chris Taylor/ cnnnn wank; CNNNN newsbar/Craig Reucassel; Dara O Briain/Djehuty; Dom Knight/Frankie Boyle; Hamish Blake/Heru-sa-aset; Hugh Dennis/Julian Morrow; Kevin Barnes/Marieke Hardy; Mistress Ibdjehuty/Myf Warhurst; Pathetic Christmas lights/robot!Shirley Manson; Russell Howard's leg/Shirley Manson; Sobek/The Chaser logo; Tim Minchin/Tony Jones; Volvox/Wepwawet; Winged human rebel flag/Zira; Adam/Hamish and implied Adam/Tim, as well as the usual Andrew/Charles and Julian/Chas that appear in any fic by default now. XD
Word Count: 6,184/11,506
Parts: 2/2 [Part One]
Warnings: CRACKCRACKCRACK. 8D
Rating: FRAO
Disclaimer: I don’t know them, not associated with them, just a slashy fangirl admirer with a very active imagination
Author’s Notes: Based on that icon meme where you take the people/characters in your icons, pair them alphabetically and write fic. Just, er, I got a little carried away. XD Also, (80s!)gamer!Andrew has eaten my soul. I apologise. XD
Summary: Ebil!Dara has unleashed an ebil virus onto the internet, and it’s up to Andrew, Adam, Hamish, and their allies, to destroy it and save the internet from very certain destruction. D:
Icon Wars
Andrew was still in Charles' safehouse on his computer. Truth be told, Andrew had somewhat fallen asleep. Charles prodding him with his mouse pointer woke him up. Andrew cried out and swung his sword at it.
“Ahh, what the fuck is that?” Andrew said as he scooted backwards out of the way. Mouse pointers were suddenly gigantic and potentially dangerous now.
“Wakey, wakey, Hansen. I'm done. We killed it,” Charles said.
“We?” Andrew said.
“Me and Dom. We killed it. Though now I owe Dom big time. I interrupted his playtime,” Charles said.
“Ooh, you're in trouble now. You know how much he hates that,” Andrew said.
“Shut up, Hansen. Now, how are we getting you out of there, I wonder,” Charles said.
“Don't ask me. I can't help you there. I don't even know how I got in here in the first place,” Andrew said.
“You need to keep hunting. It is not yet over.” That disembodied voice was back again.
“Where?” Andrew said.
“Oasis. That's all I know,” the voice said.
Andrew sighed. “Alright. Fine. Charles, I gotta go. Work to do. Apparently it's not over. Keep an eye on me, yeah? I want to be able to come back here if necessary,” he said.
“I'll keep a doorway open for you. Oh, and take this with you. He'll keep you safe,” Charles said.
Andrew looked beside him as another man appeared. “And who might you be?” Andrew asked.
“Protection. I can help you sniff out viruses. I know exactly what to look for,” the man said.
“And do you have a name, sir?” Andrew said.
“Names do not matter. Come, we have work to do,” the man said.
Andrew decided he should be called Norton, just because it was easier if he had a name. Andrew waved goodbye to Charles and set off after Norton as they began traversing the internet once more.
Djehuty eyed Dara gleefully as he moved his last piece off the board. Dara hid his annoyance well. Djehuty sat back in his chair. He always won this game.
“Call it off,” Djehuty said.
“I told you. I can't. It's out of my control now. Though my spies confirm it's heavily wounded,” Dara said.
“We had a deal, and no one makes a deal with a god unless prepared to go through with it. Do not make me send my warriors after you. They won't discriminate. Anyone with your scent will perish. I, however, am prepared to be lenient. Call it off, and put things right again, and only you perish. Not that it matters. Ma'at will have Her way, no matter what. Order will be restored. How much damage you take is up to you,” Djehuty said.
“I'll see what I can manage,” Dara said.
“You have twelve hours. Fail to restore order and I'll do it for you. Don't make me beat you at senet again,” Djehuty said.
“I'll see what I can manage,” Dara repeated. He stood and tipped his hat to Djehuty as he walked off, trying to think of how he was going to bring his little pet into line.
Adam and Hamish were surprised to find themselves outside a house neither recognised. The bunnies were still with them.
“So where are we, exactly?” Adam said.
“This is where Clippit is. Go on, get in there. Don't be polite now. He's trouble,” the Admish bunny said.
Adam looked at Hamish. Hamish shrugged. “What have we got to lose?” he said.
“Well, I'd hate to give away that we're here and after him. Perhaps we should go quietly, just to be safe,” Adam said.
“Up to you, mate,” Hamish said.
“You two want something?” Julian said, opening the door to them. He'd spotted them and wondered why they were just standing there so he figured he'd go and see what they wanted.
“Uh, we're after Clippit,” Adam said, trying not to sound deranged.
“Chas? What's he been doing now?” Julian said, ushering them inside.
“Ask the bunnies. I don't know. They've been bugging me to talk to him all day,” Adam said, pointing at the bunnies.
“Nice rabbits,” Julian said.
“We're bunnies, not rabbits. Where have you got him hidden?” the Adminch bunny said.
“Uh, he's asleep. Come through,” Julian said.
Chas – Clippit – was still asleep when they got to Julian's room. Julian opened the door and watched Chas slowly wake as the light streamed in.
“Chassy, wake up. You've got visitors,” Julian said.
Chas groaned and sat up as best he could. “Who the fuck-oh. Adam. Hi there. What do you want?”
“These bunnies reckon you've got some explaining to do,” Adam said. The bunnies had hopped onto the bed next to Chas, making sure they could be seen.
“Oh yeah? What kind of explaining?” Chas said.
“Who are you working for?” the Admish bunny said.
“Uh, what do you mean by that?” Chas said.
“Something's got hold of you. Something bad. I want to know what it is. How else could we have been brought into existence? How else could YOU have been brought into existence? You're a computer program. Computer programs do not become flesh,” the Adminch bunny said.
“I'm not a computer program,” Chas said flatly.
“Yes you are. Why else do you think you can't take that costume off? You've become it, and I'd wager the rest of your friends are around too if you've managed to break free,” the Adminch bunny said.
“You shall never stop ussss!” Chas hissed as he backed away from them and stepped off the bed, his mood changing suddenly as the bunnies spoke the truth. The faces of the other Office Assistants could be seen now, emerging from behind the paperclip. There was The Dot, a round red ball bouncing sinisterly; she was accompanied by her other half, Mother Nature. F1 was readying his laser cannons while Merlin was whispering incantations under his breath. Links, Rocky and the Office Logo readied their own attacks.
“What did I tell you? Microsoft products. They're all totally evil,” the Admish bunny said.
“You don't say,” Julian said. “So now what?”
“We kill them. Send them back where they belong. Here, use these. Don't hold back,” the Adminch bunny said, making swords for them all to use against them.
Links struck the first blow, leaping towards the enticing bunnies on the bed. Unfortunately, these weren't just ordinary bunnies and soon Links had a real fight on his hands. Then everyone started joining in, trying to destroy the pixelated programs.
Merlin was blasting spells all over the place, and managed to destroy the Office Logo and Rocky due to his own misfiring. Mother Nature and The Dot had Hamish hedged in a corner and tried to flatten him. Mother Nature was shooting flowers at him, while Dot battered him and bounced into him. A well-timed duck sent the two flying into each other, obliterating both. Hamish covered his head as a stream of petals fell down onto him. F1 advanced, shooting lasers at him. Hamish seemed defenceless now. However, F1 had turned his back on Adam and Julian, who sliced the poor little robot to pieces. Links fell back to protect Clippit, hissing and clawing at them as they tried to get near them. Adam, Hamish and Julian, as well as the bunnies, closed in. Hamish and Adam swung their swords when Links pounced. Links was obliterated.
“Hey, guys, come on, we can negotiate,” Clippit said, realising he, too, was about to be obliterated and sent back to the computer.
“Who sent you? Who’s behind this?” Adam said. He held his sword tip to Clippit’s throat, making his threat clear.
“I-I don’t know, honest. We just found ourselves out here, don’t ask me how,” Clippit said.
“Now why don’t I believe you?” Adam said.
“It’s true! I promise! If I knew anything, I’d tell you,” Clippit said.
“That’d make for a first,” Adam said.
“Look, I honestly don’t know. I just do what I’m told. I don’t ask questions, apart from inquiring if someone needs help,” Clippit said.
“Any ideas at all then? We need to track this down. It’s very dangerous, whatever it is,” Adam said.
“Silly humans. It’s not out here. It’s in there, whatever it is. You’ll need to go in there after it. That’s all I can tell you,” Clippit said and vanished, leaving Chas behind.
Chas collapsed on the ground, mostly unhurt. The Clippit costume was finally gone. Julian ran to his side and pulled him into his arms.
“Is he alright?” Adam said.
“He’s not unconscious, thank god. Chassy? You hurt at all?” Julian said, brushing his cheek softly with his fingers.
“Headaaaache. And it’s worse than it was before. Fuuuck,” Chas said, groaning in pain.
“I think I’ll put him back to bed, if that’s alright,” Julian said.
“Sure. He’s not going to do any more damage now,” Adam said.
“So now what do we do?” Hamish said.
“I don’t know. I have no idea what it meant when it said it was in there,” Adam said.
“He meant the internet, dipshits,” the Admish bunny said.
“You can’t go into the internet. It doesn’t work like that,” Adam said.
“Warriors already trawl the internet, hunting it down. You need to go too,” the Adminch bunny said.
“Oh yes? And how might we achieve that?” Adam said.
“Use this talisman Clippit left behind,” the Admish bunny said, indicating a small gold trinket on the ground.
Hamish bent down and picked it up. It looked very plain and ordinary indeed. “Hey, I think it opens,” Hamish said.
“No, don’t, you don’t know what it-”
Hamish had opened the talisman before Adam could stop him. The room went black, a flash of electric blue light streamed from the talisman and Adam and Hamish found themselves not where they had been before.
“-Does,” Adam finished. “You just had to open it, didn’t you?”
“You heard what Clippit said. It’s in here. We have to find it,” Hamish said, stashing the talisman in his pocket. “Besides, I bet this gets us out again. Come on, let’s go explore.”
Adam made a silent vow to tell Hamish off later for picking up strange objects and followed him. Neither knew what they were looking for, but were lost for anything else to do.
“Maybe if we Google Clippit, we might find something,” Hamish suggested as they made their way through the net to the Google site.
“Well, we’ve got nothing else to do,” Adam said.
“Why don’t we visit every site that comes up, at least for the first page or so. That might give us something to go on,” Hamish said. He entered the word ‘3d clippit’ into the text box and hit ‘search.’ A moment later, they had a list of websites.
“Right, well, off we go then,” Hamish said. He grabbed Adam’s hand as he hit the link. They rushed off to the page in question, unsure what they’d find there.
Andrew and Norton had stumbled across a rather pretty looking black and pink blog, having followed Norton’s keen sense of smell that the virus was nearby. They searched through the site, finding nothing of interest until they found a piece of code hidden away at the back. Norton identified it as part of the virus.
“That’s it alright. We need to cut it out and fix this place up,” Norton said.
“Wait. There’s someone here. Check to see if they’re part of the virus too,” Andrew said, pushing apart some stylesheets to find a small cage where a man had been imprisoned.
Norton leant in close and sniffed. He looked at the lock. He prodded the man, who seemed to be either asleep or unconscious. Unresponsive at any rate. “There’s nothing here that indicates he’s viral. Of course, that’s how all the worst ones look. Let me go and investigate. Ready that sword of yours. You may need to kill him if he gets activated,” Norton said.
“Okay. Be careful,” Andrew said. He unsheathed his sword and stood ready as Norton unlocked the cage and grabbed the man’s shoulders, shaking him gently.
“Hey, are you awake?” Norton said.
“Oh, shit, you’re back. Nono, don’t hurt me, not again. Please, just let me go,” the man whispered, sinking back into the cage. He appeared to have an American accent.
“I’m here to help. It’s okay. Who imprisoned you here? Where did you come from?” Norton said.
“I-I don’t know. Where am I anyway? What is this place?” the man whispered.
“This is the internet. Should I assume you need a gateway out of here then?” Norton said.
“Oh, my brain just broke. Just get me out of here, please, before he comes back,” the man said.
“I’ve located a gateway for you, the closest one I can find. I can’t guarantee it’ll be anywhere near your real home. It’s the best I can do, and it’s one I trust. Go, get out of here,” Norton said, freeing the man from the cage.
The formerly imprisoned man barely looked back as he scarpered, following the path Norton had told him to follow. Andrew watched him go.
“Damn. I forgot to ask him his name. He was cute,” Andrew said.
“Come on, let’s destroy this cage and the malicious code and move on. There’s still more to destroy,” Norton said.
Dara gathered his associates together for one final meeting. Time was indeed running out. He had to find a way to destroy his most beautiful creation. Frankie and Hugh were there, joined by Russell, who had hitched along for the ride.
“How’s the poor girl looking anyway?” Dara said.
“She took a massive beating earlier. Charles and Dom just about killed her. She managed to get one last patch off, but it’s not enough to replicate her again. She’s just scattering herself far and wide now and she’s started pulling people into the net and locking them there. I’ve got confirmed reports of at least four people in there who are going after the scattered remains. I don’t think any of them know we’re behind it all though. And two of them have our talisman. Someone’s made them virtually untraceable though, so I can’t pull their locations out and take the talisman back,” Frankie said.
“Actually, it’s worse than that. As well as drawing random people into the net, it’s also bringing images to life and sending them out into the world. People are being flung together at random. This mess is going to be a nightmare to clean up,” Hugh said.
“Oh, Jesus Christ. Is there any way we can change the code at once for them all, or do they all need to be hunted down and killed one by one?” Dara said.
“I’ve tried networking them all. It’s not happening. They’ll need to be taken out individually, and people sent back to where they belong. I haven’t even found all the pieces yet. Some have buried themselves very deeply into websites,” Hugh said.
“Then we’ll have to get hunting ourselves. Go take out the ones we know about. The sooner that virus is destroyed, the better. I’m not playing another game of senet,” Dara said.
“Right, Dara. I'll get onto it,” Frankie said.
Just as they went to leave, a rather ravishing Shirley Manson appeared. “I’m not sure ye want to be doing that just yet,” she said, approaching the table they were all standing around.
“Oh yes? And why not?” Dara said.
“Cos I know how t’ save her. I can make her indestructible,” Shirley said.
“I very much doubt you could make her better than I’ve managed,” Dara said.
“Watch and learn, lads,” Shirley said. She pulled a small computer out of her bag and began typing. When she hit the final key, there she was, their virus, standing before them. She looked just like Shirley, but had a much more malevolent glint in her eyes.
“That’s her?” Dara said.
“What can I say? I only work with the best. Go on, love, show them what you’re capable of,” Shirley said.
The virus, who was actually a robot, turned to Hugh, who happened to be closest to her. She smirked and pulled him into a kiss. She barely struggled before falling to the ground, stone dead.
“Now will ye let me turn her loose?” Shirley said.
“Yes. I think so. That would be a good idea,” Dara said, a little concerned that he’d inadvertently let go of his control of the virus and would be unable to do as Djehuty asked.
“Wise man. Go on, love, go destroy the place,” Shirley said. She brushed the robot’s cheek and sent her on her way. She vanished into cyberspace to wreak havoc.
The poor bloke who'd been imprisoned in his cage found himself flung out of a computer screen into a lounge room of a house that wasn't his. Oh, now he hurt. He hurt very much indeed. It hadn't been a soft landing. He curled up and tried to dull the pain before he got up and crawled onto the sofa. At least it was soft. He wasn't sure if anyone was home. He figured he'd just stay here for a while. He gazed over at the coffee table and realised it was covered with books. He reached over and looked at some of the titles. Then his arm began to ache and he retracted it, curling up into the back of the couch.
Marieke Hardy didn't quite recognise him at first when she returned to her lounge room to find a strange man lying on her couch. She was more worried about how he'd gotten in and why he was just curled up on her couch.
“Uh, excuse me? What are you doing in my house?” Marieke said, approaching him.
He looked up at her and wasn't sure what to say. “Uh, where am I?”
“You're in my house, that's where. Where'd you come from anyway?” Marieke said.
“I-I don't know. I was… trapped somewhere. And then I woke up here,” the man said.
“Do you happen to know who you are then?” Marieke said.
The man thought for a moment. “Kevin Barnes, I think. Which country am I in? This isn’t America, is it?”
“This is Australia. You need anything? You don’t look so good,” Marieke said.
“Just make me stop hurting. That was not a soft landing,” Kevin said.
Marieke brought him into a hug. Whoever he was, he needed looking after. Marieke wasn’t so callous as to kick him out. Not yet at the very least. She sat him up and worked out if he had any actual injuries. All she saw were bruises.
“Well, I can’t see any wounds or anything. I suppose that’s good,” Marieke said.
“What’s your name anyway? I forgot to ask,” Kevin said.
“Marieke. You can stay here while you sort out how you’re getting home, if you want,” Marieke said.
“Yeah, that’d be nice, thanks. I’m a little disoriented,” Kevin said.
“Happens to the best of us,” Marieke said, sitting down beside him. She glanced at him. He looked all cute and vulnerable. She hugged him again. She was still working out what to do with him. He didn’t seem to mind her affection, either. She would make sure things were alright.
Adam and Hamish were greeted by sheer carnage at the first website they visited. Graphics were torn to shreds, there were 404 errors all over the place and the remnants of beautiful stylesheets were flung from one site to the other.
“Run! Run while you can! She’s coming and she will kill you!” cried one of the site’s mascots as it ran, bleeding and wounded, for the safety of some sort of safe haven.
“I think we should run. I don’t like the look of this at all,” Hamish said.
“I think that’s a very good idea,” Adam said.
They turned and ran for cover, trying to stay out of the way of what appeared to be a very dangerous creature.
Norton froze. He held a hand up to silence Andrew as he sniffed the air. Andrew didn’t like this one little bit. They’d managed to destroy another three pieces of virus, but then all trace had vanished.
“It’s regenerated. It’s far more powerful than it was before. Quick, send a message back to Charles. We need his help, and reinforcements. I’ll try and hold it off, or at least send it around in circles for a while. Go! You haven’t got much time!” Norton said.
Andrew didn’t bother to ask questions. He followed the gateway Norton provided and ran. Boy, was Charles surprised to see him return alone into his little safe house.
“Something wrong?” Charles asked.
‘Send reinforcements. It’s regenerated. Norton needs backup. More powerful or something. He told me to run, so I ran,’ Andrew sent.
‘Fucking hell. Fuck fuck fuck. Okay. I’ll see what I can do. Oh, and stay there. I don’t want you getting hurt,’ Charles replied.
Andrew was more than happy to stay in his little house. It was rather cute, now that he looked at it. His thoughts provided what he wanted, which was a nice improvement. He changed his outfit so he didn’t look like an elf, got rid of the pointy ears and settled down with some food and a book.
Charles got on the phone and called Dom. Dom was interrupted again. Charles cursed his bad luck and badgered him into helping him again. Together, they began furiously decoding and sending out wave after wave of warriors to help fight off this newly regenerated virus.
In a small secluded part of the internet, the box was opened with glee on Christmas morning in a house occupied by a strange pale looking girl with dark hair, dark clothes and a malicious heart. Why it was suddenly Christmas was anyone’s guess, but it was most certainly the case in this house. It was a strange mix of gothic, bright colours and cute Pokémon toys. Indeed, the Christmas tree itself was black with suitably gorgeous ornaments covering it.
There was a loud cackle as the box revealed its present. The girl looked very happy indeed. Inside the box, Myf looked up at her new mistress. She looked a little terrifying. Still, it couldn't be worse than the last time this had happened. Surely not. The girl smiled and lifted her out. Myf said nothing.
“Oh, how excellent. I shall have fun with you!” the girl said.
Laughing madly, she locked some shackles on Myf’s wrists and tugged her in the direction of her dungeon to play.
There was a familiarity with something electronic. Robot!Shirley appreciated the warm glow of the Christmas lights as she set them around the room.
There was something about those Christmas lights that robot!Shirley liked. They were so unloved, hung in such a haphazard manner. Poor little things. Robot!Shirley found herself oddly fond of them, and caressed them gently as she put them up.
“Don't worry, darlings, mama's gonna look after ye,” robot!Shirley cooed.
Santa was powerless to stop her as all his ugly Christmas lights disappeared and became her pawns. His elves and reindeer were slaughtered, as were all the inflatable decorations, Linux penguins, Disney characters and other assorted things. Santa decided to run while he still could as Shirley destroyed the place.
Russell squirmed as he tried to shake off his dead leg. He really should learn to sit properly, but had never quite gotten around to it. He was stuck in a room, monitoring the virus’ progress with Shirley, though now he was hopping madly, trying to undead his leg.
“Settle down. Here, gimme your leg,” Shirley offered, noticing his distressed hopping.
Russell found his leg had given consent anyway as he tried to remain standing while Shirley yanked on his leg. “Must you pull so hard?”
“I'm pullin' on your leg, not your cock,” Shirley replied.
Russell gasped and tried to brace himself against the wall again. He grimaced as Shirley finally killed the pain in his leg. He mumb;ed his thanks and sat down again, wishing he were doing something else. The threat of death still hung over him as he obeyed Shirley’s unkind glare.
“I like this logo,” Sobek declared.
He petted the old Chaser logo fondly. Anything that included a shot glass (and by implication damn nice spirits) was alright by him. He was looking after all the lost and injured refugees from the internet, the remnants of the carnage delivered by robot!Shirley. The old Chaser logo was one of them, having managed to escape as the website plunged into chaos around it, for once not caused by Dom breaking the site. The logo purred and brushed against his finger.
“Now if only that shot glass was real…” Sobek pondered.
The shot glass squeaked its eagerness as Sobek imagined all sorts of things filling it up. He settled on something green and drank it. Oh, that logo knew a good spirit when it saw one. He lay back and opened his arms to the logos, graphics, mascots and other things around him. They liked his protection. They were safe here. This large crocodile wouldn’t let them get hurt again.
Norton was very glad to see the others arrive. He had managed to send the virus around some false pathways and that had bought him enough time while the reinforcements arrived. There was now an army of Nortons and other virus-killers, waiting for instructions.
“I want that thing dead. It’s too strong to take on all at once, so we need to weaken it slowly. Scout around, find its Achilles heel, and slowly take it out. Wear it down until it’s dead. Send me your positions so I can send more reinforcements when needed. Split into small groups and get moving. Send anyone back through gateways if you find them. Five of you stay and help me clean up the mess as we go,” Norton said.
The soldiers confirmed their agreement and split up. Norton watched them go as the soldiers left huddled around him.
“Can we really win? This is bigger than anything we’ve seen. Even Google is struggling. That virus has corrupted its search engine and listed everything as malware, even Google itself. The problem is, anyone who does visit those links just spreads the virus further. I think we need to call in the big guns. Every virus warrior out there needs to come and help, if they can. We need their knowledge to defeat this,” the soldier said.
“Good idea. Go, send messengers and recruit everyone you can. The more manpower we have, the better,” Norton said.
The soldiers nodded and went off on their journey, looking for any McAffees, AVGs, avast!s, Trend Micros and other such programs, anyone who could lend a hand in the fight against the virus. Even Spybot was roused to join the fight.
Adam and Hamish had run into the ABC. Sort of accidentally. It was where they were heading, but hadn’t quite realised it was where they were. They had ended up in a TV studio, though neither were quite sure if they’d left the internet or not. There were two people there, Tim Minchin and Tony Jones; no one else was there, as if the studio wasn’t in use at the present time. The two men occupying the studio were recognised instantly. The Adminch bunny was not amused.
Tim had made the first move. He'd been talking about some of the atrocities around the world when he looked up and noticed the light glistening off his lenses.
“Can-Can I kiss you?” Tim ventured.
“I've had far worse offers, trust me,” Tony said.
Tim gazed at his eyes before kissing him softly and sweetly. “Come home with me tonight?”
“Sure.”
“Nooo! He’s supposed to be with you!” the Adminch bunny cried, running forward as it tried to separate them.
The bunny attacked Tony, not happy that the object of his bunny was cheating. Adam and Hamish went to settle the bunny down. He was furious at being yanked back, and it took all Hamish’s strength to stop him escaping. Tony was bleeding now, and Tim pulled him away as he tended to his wounds.
“What the fuck are you two on? You could’ve killed him,” Tim said angrily.
“Wasn’t me, blame the bunny,” Adam muttered, gesturing at the rabid creature struggling to get free.
“You shouldn’t have cheated on Adam!” the bunny cried.
“It’s just proof he belongs with Hamish!” the Admish bunny chimed in.
“Can we stop this arguing? We have more important things to do,” Adam said.
The Admish bunny ran up Hamish’s leg and battered the Adminch bunny across the nose. “Yeah, we have that virus thing to kill. So stop moping about losing and let’s get going,” he said.
With commiserations and apologies to Tim and Tony, Adam hauled Hamish off as they continued their search for the virus. Thankfully, it hadn’t managed to infiltrate the ABC yet. There was still time to secure the place from attack.
Charles smiled. His attacks were working. They might just beat this thing yet. It was gradually being beaten down. Hopefully, they’d have it gone and could begin the arduous task of cleaning up all the damage done. With renewed enthusiasm, Charles continued his attacks, rallying Dom as he went.
Andrew had turned his one-room house into a more expansive space. There was even a full-size TARDIS in one corner of the kitchen, acting as the fridge. Andrew thought that was a lovely addition to his home. He was wholly uninterested in fighting further. He’d just get in Charles’ way, which was why he’d spent so long on redesigning his house. If he was going to be trapped here indefinitely, the last thing he wanted was an uncomfortable home.
Robot!Shirley hissed in annoyance. She’d been constantly attacked since she arrived, leaving her no time to recover to her full strength. She was angry as she knew that was their strategy. Soon she’d have little energy left. Spybot had turned out to be a formidable enemy indeed, and had wounded her badly. She staggered on, trying to find a safe place to enact her revenge. They would not kill her, she would self-destruct and take them all out with her.
Cornered at last on myspace, Shirley fended off her attackers as she set her countdown rolling, revealing the bomb she carried inside her.
“I would tell you to stay back, but it hardly matters now. I’ll take you all out, you and the internet. All shall be destroyed!” Shirley said.
The soldiers closed in, wondering if they killed her before she exploded they might save everything. It was all they had left now. They renewed their attacks, hoping to neutralise it and limit the damage she would do. All Shirley had to do was keep them at bay while the timer ran out. That’s all she had to do. She couldn’t die, not now.
Dara watched her through the monitor and slammed his fist down on the console. This was not good. His plans were all about to fall apart. He could sense Djehuty smirking over his shoulder.
“Ma’at has Her ways. I told you so,” Djehuty said, resting a hand on Dara’s shoulder.
“I hate you,” Dara muttered. There was nothing he could do. Shirley had vanished, leaving Russell tied up and shoved in a closet. His virus would die. It was all going to end.
“There, there. Don’t feel so bad. At least I’ll only have to punish you,” Djehuty said, as if that really was the upside to all this mess.
Dara didn’t reply. He scowled at the screen and watched his baby destroyed before his eyes. Myspace sent glittered text, blingees, unwanted music, bad web design and other such atrocities all over the internet. This really would take a long time to clean up.
Charles let out a cheer of happiness as the virus breathed its last and died. He could relax now. He’d been typing so furiously he hadn’t even realised how much his fingers hurt. He sat back in his chair and watched as the arsenal of virus killers he’d sent after it cleaned up the mess, and there was a lot of mess to clean up.
Wepwawet watched the tiny pool of water with intense interest. There were these tiny green balls, rolling around in the liquid. He had turned up to help Sobek deal with all the traumatised internet refugees and some had taken to occupying this pool of water. He wasn’t quite sure what they all were, but they were the most interesting life forms he’d ever seen.
“Oh, you're so cute. You little beauties,” he whispered, as if speaking louder would disturb them.
He let a claw swish around a little, sending the little Volvox spinning. He chuckled quietly and stilled the water. He sat up and looked at Sobek, who was still petting all the little logos and graphics affectionately.
“What are we going to do with those anyway?” Wepwa said.
“Make ‘em better, and send ‘em back. Or so Aset said. She’s still helping clean up the mess, so they’re ours for the time being,” Sobek said, sitting down beside him.
“Well, we’d better take good care of them, hadn’t we?” Wepwa said.
“Indeed we had,” Sobek said, still petting the adorable Chaser logo he’d fallen in love with.
Andrew had finally been released from his home and had been flung back into Charles’ house. He curled up in pain as he picked himself up. Oh, he had injuries alright. There was his grazed knee, there were the scratches from that other nasty thing he’d fought, and his body ached everywhere. He groaned as Charles picked him up and sat him down.
“You alright? You look like shit,” Charles said.
“Yeah, I know. Fuck, that hurt. Lemme lie down somewhere,” Andrew said.
Charles pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before leading him off to the bedroom. He glanced back at his computer to make sure it wasn’t misbehaving. He’d clean it up once he’d gotten Andrew settled.
Dom shut down his computer and took the phone off the hook. He went back to his bedroom where Frankie was still waiting. He’d told him to stay while he sorted this out. He’d need the stress relief once he was done.
“Shall we?” Frankie said as Dom returned.
“Do your worst. God I hate Charles some days,” Dom said.
Frankie smirked and stood up. Oh, the fun was all going to start again, of that he was certain.
Norton had hunted down Adam and Hamish and let them out, making sure to destroy the talisman and the bunnies as well. Back in Adam’s house, they were both glad it was all over. Hamish snuggled into Adam’s arms as they licked their wounds and rested.
“It’s been one fucking weird day, hasn’t it?” Hamish said.
“I never want to do that again,” Adam said.
Hamish licked his cheek and kissed him. He wasn’t going to be interrupted by stupid bunnies this time. Adam brought him on top of him, his hands eager to touch him again.
“Ignore what those bunnies were saying. You’re all I need,” Adam murmured as his hands slipped beneath Hamish’s shirt.
“I know that, love. I don’t need bunnies telling me who I should be with. Now get on with it. Damn I need a good fuck,” Hamish said.
Roaming free, still unbound by the virus, Zira the lioness wrapped the flag around her neck as if it was a cape. She had enjoyed the large birdman. He had been very tasty. She had never seen anything like it, but it had wings and looked like a meal. Attacking it had been easy, and she had taken his flag as a trophy. She perched on a rock as she overlooked her pride of lionesses who had followed her and helped her take down the birdman. They had interrogated him as to the world they’d found themselves in before killing him. Zira was in the mood for a fight and had managed to learn there were more birdmen around.
“It's time! We move on and take their rebel stronghold for ourselves!” she cried, lifting her paws to the heavens.
The lionesses roared and leapt in the air, excited by the scent of conquest. Zira grinned. Whoever these birdmen were, they were about to meet their worse enemy, and no virus clean up crew were going to stop her.
With a deafening roar, the lionesses ran off, the flag around Zira’s neck flying behind her as they travelled across the war-torn land, looking for conquest. There was at least one small unremarkable remnant of the virus still lurking, and it would have its revenge, even if it was now stuck in this world and unable to destroy the internet like it had always been programmed to do. It would suffice, this world of birdmen and humans, fighting to kill each other.
Author: sashataakheru
Multifandom: The Chaser/CNNNNverse/Spicks & Specks/Egyptian Mythology/Mock The Week/The Lion King/of Montreal/JJJ/Garbage/James Bond/ABC Newscaff/MS Office/Doctor Who/The Legend of Zelda/metafandom
Starring: 3D Clippit, Andrew Hansen, Charles Firth, Chas Liccardello, Chris Taylor, Craig Reucassel, Dom Knight, Julian Morrow; Adam Hills, Adminch Bunny, Admish Bunny, Hamish Blake, Tim Minchin; Aset, Djehuty, Heru-sa-aset, Sobek, Wepwawet; Dara O Briain, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard's leg; Kevin Barnes, robot!Shirley Manson, Shirley Manson; Marieke Hardy, Myf Warhurst; Tony Jones. Zira; Mistress Ibdjehuty; The Dot, F1, Office Logo, Merlin, Mother Nature, Links, and Rocky (the other Office XP Office Assistants); references to Google, anti-virus programs and Daleks
Pairings: 3D Clippit/Adam Hills; Adminch Bunny/Admish Bunny; Andrew Hansen/Aset; Charles Firth/Chas Liccardello; Chris Taylor/ cnnnn wank; CNNNN newsbar/Craig Reucassel; Dara O Briain/Djehuty; Dom Knight/Frankie Boyle; Hamish Blake/Heru-sa-aset; Hugh Dennis/Julian Morrow; Kevin Barnes/Marieke Hardy; Mistress Ibdjehuty/Myf Warhurst; Pathetic Christmas lights/robot!Shirley Manson; Russell Howard's leg/Shirley Manson; Sobek/The Chaser logo; Tim Minchin/Tony Jones; Volvox/Wepwawet; Winged human rebel flag/Zira; Adam/Hamish and implied Adam/Tim, as well as the usual Andrew/Charles and Julian/Chas that appear in any fic by default now. XD
Word Count: 6,184/11,506
Parts: 2/2 [Part One]
Warnings: CRACKCRACKCRACK. 8D
Rating: FRAO
Disclaimer: I don’t know them, not associated with them, just a slashy fangirl admirer with a very active imagination
Author’s Notes: Based on that icon meme where you take the people/characters in your icons, pair them alphabetically and write fic. Just, er, I got a little carried away. XD Also, (80s!)gamer!Andrew has eaten my soul. I apologise. XD
Summary: Ebil!Dara has unleashed an ebil virus onto the internet, and it’s up to Andrew, Adam, Hamish, and their allies, to destroy it and save the internet from very certain destruction. D:
Icon Wars
Andrew was still in Charles' safehouse on his computer. Truth be told, Andrew had somewhat fallen asleep. Charles prodding him with his mouse pointer woke him up. Andrew cried out and swung his sword at it.
“Ahh, what the fuck is that?” Andrew said as he scooted backwards out of the way. Mouse pointers were suddenly gigantic and potentially dangerous now.
“Wakey, wakey, Hansen. I'm done. We killed it,” Charles said.
“We?” Andrew said.
“Me and Dom. We killed it. Though now I owe Dom big time. I interrupted his playtime,” Charles said.
“Ooh, you're in trouble now. You know how much he hates that,” Andrew said.
“Shut up, Hansen. Now, how are we getting you out of there, I wonder,” Charles said.
“Don't ask me. I can't help you there. I don't even know how I got in here in the first place,” Andrew said.
“You need to keep hunting. It is not yet over.” That disembodied voice was back again.
“Where?” Andrew said.
“Oasis. That's all I know,” the voice said.
Andrew sighed. “Alright. Fine. Charles, I gotta go. Work to do. Apparently it's not over. Keep an eye on me, yeah? I want to be able to come back here if necessary,” he said.
“I'll keep a doorway open for you. Oh, and take this with you. He'll keep you safe,” Charles said.
Andrew looked beside him as another man appeared. “And who might you be?” Andrew asked.
“Protection. I can help you sniff out viruses. I know exactly what to look for,” the man said.
“And do you have a name, sir?” Andrew said.
“Names do not matter. Come, we have work to do,” the man said.
Andrew decided he should be called Norton, just because it was easier if he had a name. Andrew waved goodbye to Charles and set off after Norton as they began traversing the internet once more.
Djehuty eyed Dara gleefully as he moved his last piece off the board. Dara hid his annoyance well. Djehuty sat back in his chair. He always won this game.
“Call it off,” Djehuty said.
“I told you. I can't. It's out of my control now. Though my spies confirm it's heavily wounded,” Dara said.
“We had a deal, and no one makes a deal with a god unless prepared to go through with it. Do not make me send my warriors after you. They won't discriminate. Anyone with your scent will perish. I, however, am prepared to be lenient. Call it off, and put things right again, and only you perish. Not that it matters. Ma'at will have Her way, no matter what. Order will be restored. How much damage you take is up to you,” Djehuty said.
“I'll see what I can manage,” Dara said.
“You have twelve hours. Fail to restore order and I'll do it for you. Don't make me beat you at senet again,” Djehuty said.
“I'll see what I can manage,” Dara repeated. He stood and tipped his hat to Djehuty as he walked off, trying to think of how he was going to bring his little pet into line.
Adam and Hamish were surprised to find themselves outside a house neither recognised. The bunnies were still with them.
“So where are we, exactly?” Adam said.
“This is where Clippit is. Go on, get in there. Don't be polite now. He's trouble,” the Admish bunny said.
Adam looked at Hamish. Hamish shrugged. “What have we got to lose?” he said.
“Well, I'd hate to give away that we're here and after him. Perhaps we should go quietly, just to be safe,” Adam said.
“Up to you, mate,” Hamish said.
“You two want something?” Julian said, opening the door to them. He'd spotted them and wondered why they were just standing there so he figured he'd go and see what they wanted.
“Uh, we're after Clippit,” Adam said, trying not to sound deranged.
“Chas? What's he been doing now?” Julian said, ushering them inside.
“Ask the bunnies. I don't know. They've been bugging me to talk to him all day,” Adam said, pointing at the bunnies.
“Nice rabbits,” Julian said.
“We're bunnies, not rabbits. Where have you got him hidden?” the Adminch bunny said.
“Uh, he's asleep. Come through,” Julian said.
Chas – Clippit – was still asleep when they got to Julian's room. Julian opened the door and watched Chas slowly wake as the light streamed in.
“Chassy, wake up. You've got visitors,” Julian said.
Chas groaned and sat up as best he could. “Who the fuck-oh. Adam. Hi there. What do you want?”
“These bunnies reckon you've got some explaining to do,” Adam said. The bunnies had hopped onto the bed next to Chas, making sure they could be seen.
“Oh yeah? What kind of explaining?” Chas said.
“Who are you working for?” the Admish bunny said.
“Uh, what do you mean by that?” Chas said.
“Something's got hold of you. Something bad. I want to know what it is. How else could we have been brought into existence? How else could YOU have been brought into existence? You're a computer program. Computer programs do not become flesh,” the Adminch bunny said.
“I'm not a computer program,” Chas said flatly.
“Yes you are. Why else do you think you can't take that costume off? You've become it, and I'd wager the rest of your friends are around too if you've managed to break free,” the Adminch bunny said.
“You shall never stop ussss!” Chas hissed as he backed away from them and stepped off the bed, his mood changing suddenly as the bunnies spoke the truth. The faces of the other Office Assistants could be seen now, emerging from behind the paperclip. There was The Dot, a round red ball bouncing sinisterly; she was accompanied by her other half, Mother Nature. F1 was readying his laser cannons while Merlin was whispering incantations under his breath. Links, Rocky and the Office Logo readied their own attacks.
“What did I tell you? Microsoft products. They're all totally evil,” the Admish bunny said.
“You don't say,” Julian said. “So now what?”
“We kill them. Send them back where they belong. Here, use these. Don't hold back,” the Adminch bunny said, making swords for them all to use against them.
Links struck the first blow, leaping towards the enticing bunnies on the bed. Unfortunately, these weren't just ordinary bunnies and soon Links had a real fight on his hands. Then everyone started joining in, trying to destroy the pixelated programs.
Merlin was blasting spells all over the place, and managed to destroy the Office Logo and Rocky due to his own misfiring. Mother Nature and The Dot had Hamish hedged in a corner and tried to flatten him. Mother Nature was shooting flowers at him, while Dot battered him and bounced into him. A well-timed duck sent the two flying into each other, obliterating both. Hamish covered his head as a stream of petals fell down onto him. F1 advanced, shooting lasers at him. Hamish seemed defenceless now. However, F1 had turned his back on Adam and Julian, who sliced the poor little robot to pieces. Links fell back to protect Clippit, hissing and clawing at them as they tried to get near them. Adam, Hamish and Julian, as well as the bunnies, closed in. Hamish and Adam swung their swords when Links pounced. Links was obliterated.
“Hey, guys, come on, we can negotiate,” Clippit said, realising he, too, was about to be obliterated and sent back to the computer.
“Who sent you? Who’s behind this?” Adam said. He held his sword tip to Clippit’s throat, making his threat clear.
“I-I don’t know, honest. We just found ourselves out here, don’t ask me how,” Clippit said.
“Now why don’t I believe you?” Adam said.
“It’s true! I promise! If I knew anything, I’d tell you,” Clippit said.
“That’d make for a first,” Adam said.
“Look, I honestly don’t know. I just do what I’m told. I don’t ask questions, apart from inquiring if someone needs help,” Clippit said.
“Any ideas at all then? We need to track this down. It’s very dangerous, whatever it is,” Adam said.
“Silly humans. It’s not out here. It’s in there, whatever it is. You’ll need to go in there after it. That’s all I can tell you,” Clippit said and vanished, leaving Chas behind.
Chas collapsed on the ground, mostly unhurt. The Clippit costume was finally gone. Julian ran to his side and pulled him into his arms.
“Is he alright?” Adam said.
“He’s not unconscious, thank god. Chassy? You hurt at all?” Julian said, brushing his cheek softly with his fingers.
“Headaaaache. And it’s worse than it was before. Fuuuck,” Chas said, groaning in pain.
“I think I’ll put him back to bed, if that’s alright,” Julian said.
“Sure. He’s not going to do any more damage now,” Adam said.
“So now what do we do?” Hamish said.
“I don’t know. I have no idea what it meant when it said it was in there,” Adam said.
“He meant the internet, dipshits,” the Admish bunny said.
“You can’t go into the internet. It doesn’t work like that,” Adam said.
“Warriors already trawl the internet, hunting it down. You need to go too,” the Adminch bunny said.
“Oh yes? And how might we achieve that?” Adam said.
“Use this talisman Clippit left behind,” the Admish bunny said, indicating a small gold trinket on the ground.
Hamish bent down and picked it up. It looked very plain and ordinary indeed. “Hey, I think it opens,” Hamish said.
“No, don’t, you don’t know what it-”
Hamish had opened the talisman before Adam could stop him. The room went black, a flash of electric blue light streamed from the talisman and Adam and Hamish found themselves not where they had been before.
“-Does,” Adam finished. “You just had to open it, didn’t you?”
“You heard what Clippit said. It’s in here. We have to find it,” Hamish said, stashing the talisman in his pocket. “Besides, I bet this gets us out again. Come on, let’s go explore.”
Adam made a silent vow to tell Hamish off later for picking up strange objects and followed him. Neither knew what they were looking for, but were lost for anything else to do.
“Maybe if we Google Clippit, we might find something,” Hamish suggested as they made their way through the net to the Google site.
“Well, we’ve got nothing else to do,” Adam said.
“Why don’t we visit every site that comes up, at least for the first page or so. That might give us something to go on,” Hamish said. He entered the word ‘3d clippit’ into the text box and hit ‘search.’ A moment later, they had a list of websites.
“Right, well, off we go then,” Hamish said. He grabbed Adam’s hand as he hit the link. They rushed off to the page in question, unsure what they’d find there.
Andrew and Norton had stumbled across a rather pretty looking black and pink blog, having followed Norton’s keen sense of smell that the virus was nearby. They searched through the site, finding nothing of interest until they found a piece of code hidden away at the back. Norton identified it as part of the virus.
“That’s it alright. We need to cut it out and fix this place up,” Norton said.
“Wait. There’s someone here. Check to see if they’re part of the virus too,” Andrew said, pushing apart some stylesheets to find a small cage where a man had been imprisoned.
Norton leant in close and sniffed. He looked at the lock. He prodded the man, who seemed to be either asleep or unconscious. Unresponsive at any rate. “There’s nothing here that indicates he’s viral. Of course, that’s how all the worst ones look. Let me go and investigate. Ready that sword of yours. You may need to kill him if he gets activated,” Norton said.
“Okay. Be careful,” Andrew said. He unsheathed his sword and stood ready as Norton unlocked the cage and grabbed the man’s shoulders, shaking him gently.
“Hey, are you awake?” Norton said.
“Oh, shit, you’re back. Nono, don’t hurt me, not again. Please, just let me go,” the man whispered, sinking back into the cage. He appeared to have an American accent.
“I’m here to help. It’s okay. Who imprisoned you here? Where did you come from?” Norton said.
“I-I don’t know. Where am I anyway? What is this place?” the man whispered.
“This is the internet. Should I assume you need a gateway out of here then?” Norton said.
“Oh, my brain just broke. Just get me out of here, please, before he comes back,” the man said.
“I’ve located a gateway for you, the closest one I can find. I can’t guarantee it’ll be anywhere near your real home. It’s the best I can do, and it’s one I trust. Go, get out of here,” Norton said, freeing the man from the cage.
The formerly imprisoned man barely looked back as he scarpered, following the path Norton had told him to follow. Andrew watched him go.
“Damn. I forgot to ask him his name. He was cute,” Andrew said.
“Come on, let’s destroy this cage and the malicious code and move on. There’s still more to destroy,” Norton said.
Dara gathered his associates together for one final meeting. Time was indeed running out. He had to find a way to destroy his most beautiful creation. Frankie and Hugh were there, joined by Russell, who had hitched along for the ride.
“How’s the poor girl looking anyway?” Dara said.
“She took a massive beating earlier. Charles and Dom just about killed her. She managed to get one last patch off, but it’s not enough to replicate her again. She’s just scattering herself far and wide now and she’s started pulling people into the net and locking them there. I’ve got confirmed reports of at least four people in there who are going after the scattered remains. I don’t think any of them know we’re behind it all though. And two of them have our talisman. Someone’s made them virtually untraceable though, so I can’t pull their locations out and take the talisman back,” Frankie said.
“Actually, it’s worse than that. As well as drawing random people into the net, it’s also bringing images to life and sending them out into the world. People are being flung together at random. This mess is going to be a nightmare to clean up,” Hugh said.
“Oh, Jesus Christ. Is there any way we can change the code at once for them all, or do they all need to be hunted down and killed one by one?” Dara said.
“I’ve tried networking them all. It’s not happening. They’ll need to be taken out individually, and people sent back to where they belong. I haven’t even found all the pieces yet. Some have buried themselves very deeply into websites,” Hugh said.
“Then we’ll have to get hunting ourselves. Go take out the ones we know about. The sooner that virus is destroyed, the better. I’m not playing another game of senet,” Dara said.
“Right, Dara. I'll get onto it,” Frankie said.
Just as they went to leave, a rather ravishing Shirley Manson appeared. “I’m not sure ye want to be doing that just yet,” she said, approaching the table they were all standing around.
“Oh yes? And why not?” Dara said.
“Cos I know how t’ save her. I can make her indestructible,” Shirley said.
“I very much doubt you could make her better than I’ve managed,” Dara said.
“Watch and learn, lads,” Shirley said. She pulled a small computer out of her bag and began typing. When she hit the final key, there she was, their virus, standing before them. She looked just like Shirley, but had a much more malevolent glint in her eyes.
“That’s her?” Dara said.
“What can I say? I only work with the best. Go on, love, show them what you’re capable of,” Shirley said.
The virus, who was actually a robot, turned to Hugh, who happened to be closest to her. She smirked and pulled him into a kiss. She barely struggled before falling to the ground, stone dead.
“Now will ye let me turn her loose?” Shirley said.
“Yes. I think so. That would be a good idea,” Dara said, a little concerned that he’d inadvertently let go of his control of the virus and would be unable to do as Djehuty asked.
“Wise man. Go on, love, go destroy the place,” Shirley said. She brushed the robot’s cheek and sent her on her way. She vanished into cyberspace to wreak havoc.
The poor bloke who'd been imprisoned in his cage found himself flung out of a computer screen into a lounge room of a house that wasn't his. Oh, now he hurt. He hurt very much indeed. It hadn't been a soft landing. He curled up and tried to dull the pain before he got up and crawled onto the sofa. At least it was soft. He wasn't sure if anyone was home. He figured he'd just stay here for a while. He gazed over at the coffee table and realised it was covered with books. He reached over and looked at some of the titles. Then his arm began to ache and he retracted it, curling up into the back of the couch.
Marieke Hardy didn't quite recognise him at first when she returned to her lounge room to find a strange man lying on her couch. She was more worried about how he'd gotten in and why he was just curled up on her couch.
“Uh, excuse me? What are you doing in my house?” Marieke said, approaching him.
He looked up at her and wasn't sure what to say. “Uh, where am I?”
“You're in my house, that's where. Where'd you come from anyway?” Marieke said.
“I-I don't know. I was… trapped somewhere. And then I woke up here,” the man said.
“Do you happen to know who you are then?” Marieke said.
The man thought for a moment. “Kevin Barnes, I think. Which country am I in? This isn’t America, is it?”
“This is Australia. You need anything? You don’t look so good,” Marieke said.
“Just make me stop hurting. That was not a soft landing,” Kevin said.
Marieke brought him into a hug. Whoever he was, he needed looking after. Marieke wasn’t so callous as to kick him out. Not yet at the very least. She sat him up and worked out if he had any actual injuries. All she saw were bruises.
“Well, I can’t see any wounds or anything. I suppose that’s good,” Marieke said.
“What’s your name anyway? I forgot to ask,” Kevin said.
“Marieke. You can stay here while you sort out how you’re getting home, if you want,” Marieke said.
“Yeah, that’d be nice, thanks. I’m a little disoriented,” Kevin said.
“Happens to the best of us,” Marieke said, sitting down beside him. She glanced at him. He looked all cute and vulnerable. She hugged him again. She was still working out what to do with him. He didn’t seem to mind her affection, either. She would make sure things were alright.
Adam and Hamish were greeted by sheer carnage at the first website they visited. Graphics were torn to shreds, there were 404 errors all over the place and the remnants of beautiful stylesheets were flung from one site to the other.
“Run! Run while you can! She’s coming and she will kill you!” cried one of the site’s mascots as it ran, bleeding and wounded, for the safety of some sort of safe haven.
“I think we should run. I don’t like the look of this at all,” Hamish said.
“I think that’s a very good idea,” Adam said.
They turned and ran for cover, trying to stay out of the way of what appeared to be a very dangerous creature.
Norton froze. He held a hand up to silence Andrew as he sniffed the air. Andrew didn’t like this one little bit. They’d managed to destroy another three pieces of virus, but then all trace had vanished.
“It’s regenerated. It’s far more powerful than it was before. Quick, send a message back to Charles. We need his help, and reinforcements. I’ll try and hold it off, or at least send it around in circles for a while. Go! You haven’t got much time!” Norton said.
Andrew didn’t bother to ask questions. He followed the gateway Norton provided and ran. Boy, was Charles surprised to see him return alone into his little safe house.
“Something wrong?” Charles asked.
‘Send reinforcements. It’s regenerated. Norton needs backup. More powerful or something. He told me to run, so I ran,’ Andrew sent.
‘Fucking hell. Fuck fuck fuck. Okay. I’ll see what I can do. Oh, and stay there. I don’t want you getting hurt,’ Charles replied.
Andrew was more than happy to stay in his little house. It was rather cute, now that he looked at it. His thoughts provided what he wanted, which was a nice improvement. He changed his outfit so he didn’t look like an elf, got rid of the pointy ears and settled down with some food and a book.
Charles got on the phone and called Dom. Dom was interrupted again. Charles cursed his bad luck and badgered him into helping him again. Together, they began furiously decoding and sending out wave after wave of warriors to help fight off this newly regenerated virus.
In a small secluded part of the internet, the box was opened with glee on Christmas morning in a house occupied by a strange pale looking girl with dark hair, dark clothes and a malicious heart. Why it was suddenly Christmas was anyone’s guess, but it was most certainly the case in this house. It was a strange mix of gothic, bright colours and cute Pokémon toys. Indeed, the Christmas tree itself was black with suitably gorgeous ornaments covering it.
There was a loud cackle as the box revealed its present. The girl looked very happy indeed. Inside the box, Myf looked up at her new mistress. She looked a little terrifying. Still, it couldn't be worse than the last time this had happened. Surely not. The girl smiled and lifted her out. Myf said nothing.
“Oh, how excellent. I shall have fun with you!” the girl said.
Laughing madly, she locked some shackles on Myf’s wrists and tugged her in the direction of her dungeon to play.
There was a familiarity with something electronic. Robot!Shirley appreciated the warm glow of the Christmas lights as she set them around the room.
There was something about those Christmas lights that robot!Shirley liked. They were so unloved, hung in such a haphazard manner. Poor little things. Robot!Shirley found herself oddly fond of them, and caressed them gently as she put them up.
“Don't worry, darlings, mama's gonna look after ye,” robot!Shirley cooed.
Santa was powerless to stop her as all his ugly Christmas lights disappeared and became her pawns. His elves and reindeer were slaughtered, as were all the inflatable decorations, Linux penguins, Disney characters and other assorted things. Santa decided to run while he still could as Shirley destroyed the place.
Russell squirmed as he tried to shake off his dead leg. He really should learn to sit properly, but had never quite gotten around to it. He was stuck in a room, monitoring the virus’ progress with Shirley, though now he was hopping madly, trying to undead his leg.
“Settle down. Here, gimme your leg,” Shirley offered, noticing his distressed hopping.
Russell found his leg had given consent anyway as he tried to remain standing while Shirley yanked on his leg. “Must you pull so hard?”
“I'm pullin' on your leg, not your cock,” Shirley replied.
Russell gasped and tried to brace himself against the wall again. He grimaced as Shirley finally killed the pain in his leg. He mumb;ed his thanks and sat down again, wishing he were doing something else. The threat of death still hung over him as he obeyed Shirley’s unkind glare.
“I like this logo,” Sobek declared.
He petted the old Chaser logo fondly. Anything that included a shot glass (and by implication damn nice spirits) was alright by him. He was looking after all the lost and injured refugees from the internet, the remnants of the carnage delivered by robot!Shirley. The old Chaser logo was one of them, having managed to escape as the website plunged into chaos around it, for once not caused by Dom breaking the site. The logo purred and brushed against his finger.
“Now if only that shot glass was real…” Sobek pondered.
The shot glass squeaked its eagerness as Sobek imagined all sorts of things filling it up. He settled on something green and drank it. Oh, that logo knew a good spirit when it saw one. He lay back and opened his arms to the logos, graphics, mascots and other things around him. They liked his protection. They were safe here. This large crocodile wouldn’t let them get hurt again.
Norton was very glad to see the others arrive. He had managed to send the virus around some false pathways and that had bought him enough time while the reinforcements arrived. There was now an army of Nortons and other virus-killers, waiting for instructions.
“I want that thing dead. It’s too strong to take on all at once, so we need to weaken it slowly. Scout around, find its Achilles heel, and slowly take it out. Wear it down until it’s dead. Send me your positions so I can send more reinforcements when needed. Split into small groups and get moving. Send anyone back through gateways if you find them. Five of you stay and help me clean up the mess as we go,” Norton said.
The soldiers confirmed their agreement and split up. Norton watched them go as the soldiers left huddled around him.
“Can we really win? This is bigger than anything we’ve seen. Even Google is struggling. That virus has corrupted its search engine and listed everything as malware, even Google itself. The problem is, anyone who does visit those links just spreads the virus further. I think we need to call in the big guns. Every virus warrior out there needs to come and help, if they can. We need their knowledge to defeat this,” the soldier said.
“Good idea. Go, send messengers and recruit everyone you can. The more manpower we have, the better,” Norton said.
The soldiers nodded and went off on their journey, looking for any McAffees, AVGs, avast!s, Trend Micros and other such programs, anyone who could lend a hand in the fight against the virus. Even Spybot was roused to join the fight.
Adam and Hamish had run into the ABC. Sort of accidentally. It was where they were heading, but hadn’t quite realised it was where they were. They had ended up in a TV studio, though neither were quite sure if they’d left the internet or not. There were two people there, Tim Minchin and Tony Jones; no one else was there, as if the studio wasn’t in use at the present time. The two men occupying the studio were recognised instantly. The Adminch bunny was not amused.
Tim had made the first move. He'd been talking about some of the atrocities around the world when he looked up and noticed the light glistening off his lenses.
“Can-Can I kiss you?” Tim ventured.
“I've had far worse offers, trust me,” Tony said.
Tim gazed at his eyes before kissing him softly and sweetly. “Come home with me tonight?”
“Sure.”
“Nooo! He’s supposed to be with you!” the Adminch bunny cried, running forward as it tried to separate them.
The bunny attacked Tony, not happy that the object of his bunny was cheating. Adam and Hamish went to settle the bunny down. He was furious at being yanked back, and it took all Hamish’s strength to stop him escaping. Tony was bleeding now, and Tim pulled him away as he tended to his wounds.
“What the fuck are you two on? You could’ve killed him,” Tim said angrily.
“Wasn’t me, blame the bunny,” Adam muttered, gesturing at the rabid creature struggling to get free.
“You shouldn’t have cheated on Adam!” the bunny cried.
“It’s just proof he belongs with Hamish!” the Admish bunny chimed in.
“Can we stop this arguing? We have more important things to do,” Adam said.
The Admish bunny ran up Hamish’s leg and battered the Adminch bunny across the nose. “Yeah, we have that virus thing to kill. So stop moping about losing and let’s get going,” he said.
With commiserations and apologies to Tim and Tony, Adam hauled Hamish off as they continued their search for the virus. Thankfully, it hadn’t managed to infiltrate the ABC yet. There was still time to secure the place from attack.
Charles smiled. His attacks were working. They might just beat this thing yet. It was gradually being beaten down. Hopefully, they’d have it gone and could begin the arduous task of cleaning up all the damage done. With renewed enthusiasm, Charles continued his attacks, rallying Dom as he went.
Andrew had turned his one-room house into a more expansive space. There was even a full-size TARDIS in one corner of the kitchen, acting as the fridge. Andrew thought that was a lovely addition to his home. He was wholly uninterested in fighting further. He’d just get in Charles’ way, which was why he’d spent so long on redesigning his house. If he was going to be trapped here indefinitely, the last thing he wanted was an uncomfortable home.
Robot!Shirley hissed in annoyance. She’d been constantly attacked since she arrived, leaving her no time to recover to her full strength. She was angry as she knew that was their strategy. Soon she’d have little energy left. Spybot had turned out to be a formidable enemy indeed, and had wounded her badly. She staggered on, trying to find a safe place to enact her revenge. They would not kill her, she would self-destruct and take them all out with her.
Cornered at last on myspace, Shirley fended off her attackers as she set her countdown rolling, revealing the bomb she carried inside her.
“I would tell you to stay back, but it hardly matters now. I’ll take you all out, you and the internet. All shall be destroyed!” Shirley said.
The soldiers closed in, wondering if they killed her before she exploded they might save everything. It was all they had left now. They renewed their attacks, hoping to neutralise it and limit the damage she would do. All Shirley had to do was keep them at bay while the timer ran out. That’s all she had to do. She couldn’t die, not now.
Dara watched her through the monitor and slammed his fist down on the console. This was not good. His plans were all about to fall apart. He could sense Djehuty smirking over his shoulder.
“Ma’at has Her ways. I told you so,” Djehuty said, resting a hand on Dara’s shoulder.
“I hate you,” Dara muttered. There was nothing he could do. Shirley had vanished, leaving Russell tied up and shoved in a closet. His virus would die. It was all going to end.
“There, there. Don’t feel so bad. At least I’ll only have to punish you,” Djehuty said, as if that really was the upside to all this mess.
Dara didn’t reply. He scowled at the screen and watched his baby destroyed before his eyes. Myspace sent glittered text, blingees, unwanted music, bad web design and other such atrocities all over the internet. This really would take a long time to clean up.
Charles let out a cheer of happiness as the virus breathed its last and died. He could relax now. He’d been typing so furiously he hadn’t even realised how much his fingers hurt. He sat back in his chair and watched as the arsenal of virus killers he’d sent after it cleaned up the mess, and there was a lot of mess to clean up.
Wepwawet watched the tiny pool of water with intense interest. There were these tiny green balls, rolling around in the liquid. He had turned up to help Sobek deal with all the traumatised internet refugees and some had taken to occupying this pool of water. He wasn’t quite sure what they all were, but they were the most interesting life forms he’d ever seen.
“Oh, you're so cute. You little beauties,” he whispered, as if speaking louder would disturb them.
He let a claw swish around a little, sending the little Volvox spinning. He chuckled quietly and stilled the water. He sat up and looked at Sobek, who was still petting all the little logos and graphics affectionately.
“What are we going to do with those anyway?” Wepwa said.
“Make ‘em better, and send ‘em back. Or so Aset said. She’s still helping clean up the mess, so they’re ours for the time being,” Sobek said, sitting down beside him.
“Well, we’d better take good care of them, hadn’t we?” Wepwa said.
“Indeed we had,” Sobek said, still petting the adorable Chaser logo he’d fallen in love with.
Andrew had finally been released from his home and had been flung back into Charles’ house. He curled up in pain as he picked himself up. Oh, he had injuries alright. There was his grazed knee, there were the scratches from that other nasty thing he’d fought, and his body ached everywhere. He groaned as Charles picked him up and sat him down.
“You alright? You look like shit,” Charles said.
“Yeah, I know. Fuck, that hurt. Lemme lie down somewhere,” Andrew said.
Charles pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before leading him off to the bedroom. He glanced back at his computer to make sure it wasn’t misbehaving. He’d clean it up once he’d gotten Andrew settled.
Dom shut down his computer and took the phone off the hook. He went back to his bedroom where Frankie was still waiting. He’d told him to stay while he sorted this out. He’d need the stress relief once he was done.
“Shall we?” Frankie said as Dom returned.
“Do your worst. God I hate Charles some days,” Dom said.
Frankie smirked and stood up. Oh, the fun was all going to start again, of that he was certain.
Norton had hunted down Adam and Hamish and let them out, making sure to destroy the talisman and the bunnies as well. Back in Adam’s house, they were both glad it was all over. Hamish snuggled into Adam’s arms as they licked their wounds and rested.
“It’s been one fucking weird day, hasn’t it?” Hamish said.
“I never want to do that again,” Adam said.
Hamish licked his cheek and kissed him. He wasn’t going to be interrupted by stupid bunnies this time. Adam brought him on top of him, his hands eager to touch him again.
“Ignore what those bunnies were saying. You’re all I need,” Adam murmured as his hands slipped beneath Hamish’s shirt.
“I know that, love. I don’t need bunnies telling me who I should be with. Now get on with it. Damn I need a good fuck,” Hamish said.
Roaming free, still unbound by the virus, Zira the lioness wrapped the flag around her neck as if it was a cape. She had enjoyed the large birdman. He had been very tasty. She had never seen anything like it, but it had wings and looked like a meal. Attacking it had been easy, and she had taken his flag as a trophy. She perched on a rock as she overlooked her pride of lionesses who had followed her and helped her take down the birdman. They had interrogated him as to the world they’d found themselves in before killing him. Zira was in the mood for a fight and had managed to learn there were more birdmen around.
“It's time! We move on and take their rebel stronghold for ourselves!” she cried, lifting her paws to the heavens.
The lionesses roared and leapt in the air, excited by the scent of conquest. Zira grinned. Whoever these birdmen were, they were about to meet their worse enemy, and no virus clean up crew were going to stop her.
With a deafening roar, the lionesses ran off, the flag around Zira’s neck flying behind her as they travelled across the war-torn land, looking for conquest. There was at least one small unremarkable remnant of the virus still lurking, and it would have its revenge, even if it was now stuck in this world and unable to destroy the internet like it had always been programmed to do. It would suffice, this world of birdmen and humans, fighting to kill each other.
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