No Doubt (Tom Dumont/Tony Kanal): The Final Attempt 1/4

[wolfanfics]

Title: Tunnel Vision
Author: sashataakheru
Fandom: No Doubt RPS
Starring: Tony Kanal, Tom Dumont, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young
Pairing: Tom/Tony
Part: 1/4 (incomplete)
Warnings: implied drug use, sex, mention of eating disorders,
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form.
Author's Notes: OK, so I was inspired by a couple of fics rolereversal wrote to play around with this writing style. Basically, I started writing it out in second person.
Summary: Tony's life is spiralling out of control and Tom feels helpless to save him.


Tunnel Vision
You’ve watched unnoticed for years. He scares you. You know he’s hurting, how he’s abusing himself, but you can’t stop him. You promised to keep him safe, to never let him get hurt, and she tramples on that promise as if it meant nothing.

You know he’s been using, you can see his empty eyes, the way his body looks so thin, how he’s not the same guy you knew all those years ago.

You don’t know how much he’s starving himself.

You don’t know how much cocaine he shoots.

You don’t know how much he drinks.

Why? You didn’t want to know. You covered your eyes with blinkers so you didn’t have to face his reality. You turned away from him when he needed you most.

You know Adrian sees it too, and Gwen, and all your friends. But, no one speaks because it’s not their place. It’s dismissed as part of the scenery. You seem to be the only one concerned. They leave it in your hands, expecting you to be the one to save him because you’re his protector. You’re his big brother. They push you together, hoping you can deal with him, and when he rages and screams at you and calls you a traitor, you give in, knowing you can’t win. Your heart breaks when you see him like that.

You want to make him realise how he’s hurting you, hurting himself, but you know he already knows that. And though you only know a small part of why he’s hurting, it’s enough for you to sympathise. It scares you how he can do what he does and still be alive, knowing he could very easily kill himself.

Everyone remembers drugs have already claimed one of you, one who should still be alive today had he not killed himself. You wonder why that isn’t enough to stop him. You don’t remember the devastation at hearing about it, you weren’t there. You don’t know how it broke them, shattered them. You know how young Tony was when it happened. Yet, the band continued.

Much as you can never understand what that time was like, you wonder how he can do this to himself when they were all grieving years before. Having seen that so young, why turn to it now and go down that same path? This was something you all knew was dangerous. You all learnt that very quickly, even though you hadn’t been there then.

Yet, nightmares fix in your mind of him lying dead somewhere, killing himself when everything overwhelms him. You can see him dying, and you seem powerless to stop him. And you hate that you can’t help him.

And when the madness takes over, when it takes over his mind, you hold him tight against his struggling, crying, pleading, knowing he won’t remember this when he wakes.

If he wakes.

You whisper to him through the night as he lies in your arms, your own tears never acknowledged. You hate that you choose these moments to love him, to whisper to him, because you can’t bear to tell him to his face. He’ll never know the love you carry for him in your heart.

You’re the only one who cares about him, the only one who stays with him, talks him out of his madness, the only one who watches over him.

You’re his guardian angel.

If only he knew that.

If only indeed.