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wolfanficsTitle: The Traitor Returns
Author: sashataakheru
Fandoms: No Doubt/Placebo RPS
Starring: Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Pairing: Tom/Tony
Previous: 1 - Punishment and Tears | 2 - Strangers And Jealousy | 3 - When The Bad Times Come
Warnings: violence, D/s themes, implied drug use
Word Count: 5,127
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author's Notes: Setting is... SE Californian desert, near Palm Springs (IIRC). Based on a Placebo fic with a similar theme. This one took it's own journey though.
Summary: Many weeks later, Tony returns, and all his presence does is aggravate old wounds. Healing is a long time overdue.
The Traitor Returns
We had just woken up one morning and the sight that greeted us was surprising, to say the least. There she was, resplendent in dark green silk, holding a chain in one hand. She had a curious smile on her face. Once we’d woken enough to realise she was there, we went to get out of bed, but she stopped us.
“Don’t get up. I won’t be here long. I’m just bringing you a new servant,” she said.
“As a replacement? Tom’s been nothing but perfect,” Stefan said.
“No, no, not as a replacement, no, I’m bringing you an extra pair of hands. I’ve seen how busy you are and since I want to make your job as easy as possible, I thought I’d send some extra help,” she said.
She pulled on the chain and the new servant staggered into the room and collapsed to the floor. They were so very thin, and there were cuts and bruises all over their body. I could only see these because the new servant was naked.
“I’ll leave you boys to sort him out. Do whatever you want with him. I have no further use for him. Add him to your private harem if you so feel the need, Stefan.”
And with that, she was gone, leaving this new servant crumpled on the floor in front of the door. We clambered over the beds to help this new servant, whoever he was. He’d obviously been punished, and looked like he hadn’t eaten for such a long time. I sat beside him and lifted him into my arms, removing the chain from his collar. He was so very cold. I looked at his face and realised it was Ton. Suddenly I felt queasy. He looked so sick, so tired and thin. He hardly weighed anything, and that scared me. He’d lost a lot of weight. His ribs were clearly defined through his skin. A lot of his bones showed through his skin. I didn’t want to know what he’d gone through.
“Ton, is it really you?” I wanted to make sure. I could hardly believe this person I was holding in my arms was Ton.
“This… is all a fuckin dream… I’m dreaming of your voice again, of you by my side, your arms around me, of warmth and reprieve from this never-ending coldness…” His lips barely moved; his voice was so soft and quiet, so tired and full of pain.
“You’re not dreaming Ton. I’m really here with you. The coldness is gone. You’re here in the warmth,” I said.
I held him tighter, suddenly feeling sorry for sending him down to the dungeons to suffer for so long. Stefan handed me a blanket and we carefully wrapped him up. We picked him up carefully and lay him on Stefan’s bed. I lay beside him, my arms around him. I could feel his body trembling inside the quilt.
“You’re really here, Tom? I want the warmth. Make the coldness go away, make everything better…”
“I’m really here, Ton. What the hell happened to you down there? You’ve been gone six weeks.” I wasn’t really expecting him to answer, but it was all I wanted to know. I think I may have been talking to myself and the words came out my mouth without me asking them to. As he started talking, all I could hear was fear in his voice.
“Tom, she – she abandons me, that little shit Bri – he poisons her mind, turns her against me. She leaves me, she leaves me all alone locked in a cage like a fuckin animal. Too long, too long, I feel my insides eaten away, so, so very hungry, the pain, the pain. I want food, I need food like I need air but she doesn’t feed me. I wanna make the hurting stop. Bri hurts me, she lets him hurt me, ah, he’s so cruel, so fuckin cruel. But then the music comes, music, beautiful music, so beautiful, so powerful, so much of you in it, it makes my head hurt, my heart hurt, everything hurts. You make me hurt Tom – there’s pounding, pounding in my head, it won’t go away. It hurts, it hurts! I want it to go away; I want the hurting to stop. She tells me to get you out of my head, and I wanna, I want the hurting to stop. So I obey and I try to forget you, try so very hard, but the hurting won’t go away. Evil, evil hurting makes me attack Bri, I hurt him bad, and he’s all bruised and broken. She is so angry – angry, angry, angry – she yells at me, she hurts me again. The hurting comes back. It whispers to me about you, tells me lies and truths. The hurting makes my head ache. It tells me she’s false, tells me to listen to the music to make the hurting go away. I don’t wanna listen, Tom, the voices whisper and bicker, Gods, the hurting, the hurting. Then I dream of strange things, Tom, strange visions of you and me, of demons and the Gods and the music sings to me again, sings its song to me, and I hear it this time, I hear it, the hurting’s losing now, my heart feels light. I tell her, I tell her I love you, I yell at her, yell at her, making her listen to me to make her understand. I hold her down and stand over her – she is scared, scared, scared, I can see it in her eyes. The hurting stops, Tom, the hurting goes away, goes far away, I tell it never to come back. Then Adro comes and hurts me, pulls me away from her. She yells at me for a long time, a long time, she’s so angry. Bri and Adro, they hurt me, they leave me broken, broken and hurting. Then she takes me to the hall where the people are, everyone, the whole world is there, you’re there. She makes me speak, I yell to you, want you so badly to make the hurting go away. You reject me, my heart breaks again and the hurting returns. Pain, pain, horrible stinging pain, ah, ah, she hurts me, she hurts me, everything hurts. I cry, cry so much for you, I want the hurting to stop, but I want you so much. She takes me away to the darkness, the freezing, freezing blackness. She hurts me again, she hurts me so much. The hurting doesn’t go away, the pain doesn’t leave me, so long alone with the pain, the hurting. So hungry, so hungry for food, my bones ache, my stomach aches, everything aches for food. She doesn’t feed me, she doesn’t feed me, I think I’m gonna die. Water drips into my mouth, cold, frozen, aching. Everything hurts, aches, my bones are frozen, everything’s so cold. Your voice comes to me like a dream. I dream all the time, of you and me, of peace, of warmth, of death, of life, of light, of darkness, of Gods, of demons, of food, of water, of everything. The darkness consumes me, consumes my soul, my life, Apep, Apep, Apep! The darkness beats me into death! Gods, please save me! The demons come again! Apep, Apep, Ra, save me! My ka, my ka, I’m dying! There’s nothing but freezing cold and numbness and pain and darkness. Blood. My blood! She takes my blood from me, sucks it from my skin, my body. I feel coldness, weak and numb, Gods she hurts me so much. So long, so long, the coldness is never-ending, always cold, always freezing, always freezing and dark. I could sleep forever and never wake up. Then I feel moving, movement, sounds and voices, I’m taken away, taken upwards, the light slowly comes back. Then she’s there, scary, scary, I wanna run away, but my body, oh so tired, I can’t move. She makes me stand and walk, oh the pain, everything hurts, my bones ache, I can’t hold myself up. She pulls me along, she hurts me again, yelling at me. Oh, her voice! Like knives in my brain! Pounding, pounding in my brain, my temples throbbing, feel like they’re gonna explode! Then I hear your voice, you sound distant, worried, scared. I’m cold, cold and weak and tired and sore and bruised and broken and alone. Where am I? The light stings and burns, makes my eyes hurt. The darkness lurks, lurks in my mind like the hurting, waiting to come back, waiting to make me cry and bleed and scream…” His voice trailed off into sobbing.
I couldn’t say anything to that. What could I say to make up for that? I’d hated him for so long, then I’d forgotten him. Now here he was in my arms, so scared and tortured and hurting and I could do nothing to ease his pain. I felt so guilty at not being able to help.
Stefan suggested a bath to help clean the wounds and start warming him up again. He also called for some simple food to help get some strength back in him. I had no idea if he’d ever recover fully. We started with lukewarm water so we didn’t burn him, and had to refill the bath three times before the water didn’t go black on us anymore. We both washed him gently, carefully, making sure we didn’t hurt him. I hated touching his skin. I hated the way his body looked. I hated that he’d had to suffer so much. It was just wrong. We had to hold him up because he didn’t have any strength left in him. I sat in the bath behind him, letting his tiny body lean against my chest as Stefan washed the dirt off.
“Tom, you – do you love me?” Ton asked at one point. “I want to know if all this was worth it.”
“If I’d known what was going on, maybe I would’ve reacted differently. I said what I said because I thought you hated me. Everything you did to me gave me every reason to think that way. Do I love you? Yes, now that I’ve seen what you went through for me. I thought my music hadn’t touched you at all. I felt so angry and betrayed that I’d poured my heart out and I didn’t get any sort of reaction from you. That you went through all this for me breaks my heart. If I’d known this was coming, maybe I would’ve tried to stop this. Stefan’s been an angel in dark times. I’m just glad you’re alive.”
“Thank you. Now my heart feels light again.”
He leaned his head back against my chest and closed his eyes. I could tell the exhaustion was beginning to take hold, so when the food turned up, I let Stefan finish washing him while I fed him. He slowly sipped the warm soup from the bowl, and every mouthful seemed to take a lot of effort. I didn’t rush him, nor feed him all the soup. His stomach wouldn’t take too kindly to being full again so suddenly, I knew that from experience. I gave him water as well, sensing how dehydrated he must be. Then we dried him off, put some warm clothes on him and settled him in my bed to rest.
For several weeks, this became routine, and Stefan ordered me to stay behind to care for him. When he was resting, I’d sometimes lie next to him and sing to him, and I could sense how happy and calm this made him. Only after a couple of weeks did we try and get him walking to strengthen what remained of his muscles. He slowly gained weight, which I was so grateful for because I feared he’d never recover any weight at all. He was that thin. It was frightening.
He was still as determined as ever. At least she hadn’t destroyed his mind. I didn’t acknowledge it as readily as I should have, but it was his love for me that kept him going, that made him feel that he would get better. I think he wanted to be able to hold me and love me properly. I was caring so much for him and he wanted to return that love, if only his body would allow it. Sometimes, the depression returned, and he spent days crying in my arms, saying he would never be able to repay me and love me like I should be loved. Those days were tough, because that was when he dreamed of his ordeal and I could only hold him as he slept, unable to fight his demons away. All I could do was sing to him, hoping that I was reaching him and somehow easing his pain.
One day about three months down the track, we were walking around the room. I was holding him as he still wasn’t quite strong enough to hold himself up yet. He was actually beginning to look healthy, and his bones had disappeared under his skin again, something I was eternally grateful for. I was getting him into some very light resistance training to strengthen his arms and legs. His muscles were still stiff and growing back, but he was able to carry a small amount of weight, which was better than nothing. There was still a long way to go, but we were getting somewhere at least. Stefan had left us that day some time ago so we had the room to ourselves. I wasn’t even sure if everything I was doing was going to help him recover. I just followed my gut instincts. And he seemed to be getting better. We’d just gotten to the bathroom door when he stopped.
“Tom, I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.”
“That’s ok. We’ve been going a bit longer than you’re used to. Here, I’ll help you over to the bed.”
I picked him up and carried him over to Stefan’s bed, laying him down gently. I lay beside him, my arms around him.
“You hungry?”
“No… wait. Get me some water. I’m thirsty all of a sudden.”
I got up and poured him a glass of water. I sat him up and gave him the water. He sipped it with a happy look on his face, his eyes shut as he leant his head back.
“Is there anything else you want?”
“I want you, Tom. Love me. I want to feel again. So many lonely nights I spent with myself. Hold me, touch me, make me feel human again.”
I was surprised by his request. I wasn’t sure he was ready for it yet. I didn’t think he was strong enough. I didn’t want to deny him, but he looked so desperate, as if he really wanted to be able to feel again. I didn’t move, not wanting to tire him needlessly.
“Ton, you’re not strong enough. I don’t want to ruin what we’ve already achieved.”
“No, Tom. Don’t back away now. Kiss me. I need you. I went through all this for you. Now I want to make sure it wasn’t all for nothing.”
A part of me thought this was a kind of emotional blackmail, which I’d seen him try on me, and others, before. Another part of me wanted to take him so badly because isn’t this the request I’d been waiting for since God knows how long? If I gave in but only kissed him, he’d try and force me to fuck him, I knew he would. Either that or he’d talk me into letting him fuck me instead, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. He can be a manipulative little shit when he wants to be. I decided the best thing would be to say no and wait til he was stronger. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t think he was strong enough to cope with it yet.
“Tom, say something. I love you. You said you love me. Why is this so hard to answer? Why don’t you want to take me? Don’t you love me anymore?”
Oh, God, I could see tears welling in his eyes. He was gonna cry on me and make me feel all guilty about it. I knew what he was trying to do, and I wouldn’t fall for it again.
“Ton, you’re not strong enough, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to jeopardise everything we’ve worked so hard to achieve. We will, but not now. You’re not strong enough. You’re not ready to cope with it yet.” I’m not strong enough. I’m not ready to cope with it yet.
Yep, he started crying. He covered his eyes and turned away from me. “You don’t love me!” I heard him sob. “You don’t fuckin love me!”
“You know full well I fuckin love you, ok? I’m just looking out for your health. You’ve been through a terrible trauma. Your body’s gonna take a long time to get better. You’re not up to it yet. And stop crying on me. I know what you’re trying to do. I’ve learnt all your tricks, and you won’t fool me anymore.” I said. I was afraid I’d come off harsher than I had intended, but I really wasn’t angry with him.
“Apep’s eaten my soul and you don’t love me anymore!”
“Ton, shut the fuck up. Things are gonna take time, ok? I don’t want to hurt you. I love you too much to hurt you.”
“Traitor! You’re a fuckin traitor! You don’t love me! I’ve spent all these months pining after you and here’s how you repay me! Get away from me!”
I pulled back slightly. I must admit I had forgotten how crazy he could get sometimes. I was hoping the paranoia was under control, but seeing him now, I knew it would never leave him. His brain’s not what it was, that’s for sure. Too many drugs, too much alcohol, too much of everything, all supplied by her, I’d wager, to keep him drugged and under control.
I hated that she’d stoop to that kind of control. She wasn’t doing him any favours by it, either. I’d seen so many of his crazy days, seen him paralysed with paranoid fear, seen him so agro it scared me, seen him so pitifully confused and lost in his mind. His mind was so fucked up. Even the slightest suggestion that you weren’t gonna play by his rules sent him into paranoia, screaming betrayal and baying for your blood, as he was doing now. He was so hard to get on with in this state. You didn’t want to hurt him, but there was no reasoning with him. You didn’t want to give in, and I didn’t at the time, because you knew he’d just use it against you later if you refused him again.
“Ton, that’s not what I meant-”
“Shut up, shut up! Go away! You all hate me! I’ll kill you all!”
“Ton, settle down, please. I’m not out to hurt you!”
“Why would you say that? Of course, you’re out to hurt me. All I asked for was your love and you won’t give it to me. I wanted to feel you, touch you. I wanted that high again. I wanted to feel human again. I feel so dead, Gods, I feel so alone. Look at my body, my pitiful body. My mind doesn’t belong to it. There’s no connection. It’s a sack of bones. I want to feel connected again. Make me feel again, Tom. Please. I need this. Please. Please. Just help me feel again.”
His words haunted me, as he was voicing exactly how I’d felt back when I was begging hm for his love. Sure, he’d calmed down now, but he still wanted me to fuck him. He sounded so scared, so pitiful, and a part of me knew that was what he wanted me to think. Another part knew he’d never shut up about it til I’d done it, so I reluctantly agreed to pleasure him, if only to soothe him for the moment. I hated it when he went crazy and when he did, I wanted to do everything to make him get better. I figured if this was the only way, then I’d do it. I didn’t want him to suffer anymore.
I leant over him and kissed him, my hands and knees pressing into the mattress to avoid hurting him. I immediately felt his hands around my neck. He kissed me back so voraciously he took me by surprise. I could feel his hands moving down my back as he tugged at my shirt, trying to pull it over my head. I didn’t want to lie on top of him because I was afraid of crushing him. He was still weak.
I lay beside him, bringing him over on top of me. I could feel his craving, his lust for me, his passion heating up his chest. He broke the kiss long enough to pull my shirt off over my head, his own following. I rolled him over so we lay side by side. I felt his hands on my skin, desperate and full of longing as they sped towards my pants. He was so eager he had me naked before I had him naked.
I didn’t want to palm him because I didn’t want to hurt him, and I was afraid of being too rough. I reluctantly left his mouth and kissed down his scarred chest towards his cock. If he wanted it, he was gonna get it, but he’d have to put up with me being gentle about it and drawing it out as long as possible. Couldn’t I have a little fun while I was here? Besides, I felt particularly evil then as I crept down his body, smothering him with kisses as I teased him with my touch. I knew he’d soon be screaming for me to take him, but I thought I’d make him wait. I wanted to make sure he really wanted it before I began. When he felt he couldn’t take it anymore, then I’d start, not a moment sooner.
I could tell he hated my teasing, and he tensed up as I licked the inside of his thighs. I could see him squirming, his whole body was shaking, and that just encouraged me to kiss down his legs to suck on his toes. His hands were gripping the bed tightly and he thrashed his head around as I touched him everywhere.
“Tom, Tom, please, take me, dammit, take me now!”
I stopped and looked up at him.
“You’ll just have to wait a little longer, Ton. I’m not done yet.”
I heard his scream of frustration as I moved up his body again, heading towards his cock. “Fuckin take me, Tom! Fuckin take me now!”
“If you scream, you’ll only delay the pleasure.”
He tried not to say anything. He tried so hard. “No. Just. Grr. I hate you Tom.”
“Shut up, Ton. Can’t you even manage that?”
He couldn’t say anything to that, and finally I had him quiet. I teased and pleasured him for some time before finally giving in and taking him into my mouth. He groaned and let me do what I wanted. I could feel him almost explode as I sucked him. His body felt like it couldn’t contain the pleasure any longer. When I finally felt him cum, his body shuddered and thrashed about as he shot his large load into my mouth. Once I’d swallowed and licked him clean, I held him as still as I could, afraid of him hurting himself as I crept up his body and kissed him again.
“How are you feeling now?”
“Tired, but good. Thanks Tom. Ah, you really gave me a good one then. I think you overdid it. I feel so sore now. Everything aches.”
“What did I tell you? I didn’t think you were ready for it yet, but you never listen to me.”
“I know. Sorry. But it was fuckin worth it, every second was worth it. I don’t care if I ache for days.”
“You’re a stubborn little shit, you know.”
“Shut up, Tom. Fuck me again.”
“Oh, I don’t think so. You’ve had quite enough for one day.” I got up and walked away from him. “I’m gonna have a wash, ok? You rest up. And I mean it. Go to sleep or I won’t even consider fucking you again.”
Ton gave me a hurt look, but I didn’t give in to him. He needed to rest or he’d never be able to fuck me, which is what he wanted the most.
“Be good and rest or you won’t be strong enough to fuck me.”
“You’re no fun, Tom.”
“Go to sleep, Ton. I’ll be there in a while.”
At that, he promptly snuggled underneath the sheets and closed his eyes. I knew he was only pretending til I got there, but he was being quiet and still and that was quite enough. I shook my head and left him, going into the bathroom to shower. I didn’t even notice him creeping after me til I felt his arms around me, kissing my shoulders and neck.
“What did I tell you to do? Go to bed, Ton. You need your rest. I’m being serious now. Stefan’s due back soon and I don’t want him to have a messy bed, ok?”
“Tom, you’re so boring. Can’t we have a little fun? Can’t I fuck you?” I felt his hand on my cock, his own pressing against my ass.
A wave of pain shot up my spine, and the memories of being raped by Ton all came flooding back. I could feel how hard he was, and it didn’t take much to imagine him pounding into me again. The pain returned, and I found myself silently crying, pulling away from him, ashamed at this reaction. It had been so long ago, yet it was like it happened yesterday.
“Tom? Are you ok?” Suddenly, he sounded serious, and I shivered when I felt his hand on my shoulder.
“Just – leave me, ok? Go to bed,” I said harshly, trying to hide my crying.
“Can’t I stay here with you? I wanna be with you again,” he said, half-singing the words.
His persistence angered me, and I turned to face him, obviously scaring him as he stepped back a bit.
“And I told you to leave me alone, Ton. You’re still light enough to carry, you know,” I said, picking him up and throwing him over my shoulder.
I carried him into the bedroom and dried him off. Before I could dress him, he managed to struggle out of my grasp and started running around the room away from me. I didn’t know he had that much strength in him. I chased after him, trying to catch him. When I eventually tackled him, we fell to the floor just as Stefan walked through the door. He stopped and looked at us, slightly puzzled, before giving me a knowing glance.
“And what have you two been doing while I’ve been away? From the looks of it, I’d say that my messy bed is your fault. Are you going to fix it?” He didn’t sound angry. He never sounds angry.
Ton was giggling next to me. I got up and bowed to Stefan. His appearance forced me to lose my anger.
“Sorry, Stefan, he’s been a difficult little shit today. I’ll get your bed fixed now.”
Ton lay on the ground, still giggling. As I went about changing the sheets on our beds, I saw Stefan pull Ton up onto his feet by the back of his neck.
“Have you been giving Tom trouble?” He was actually sounding stern for once.
“I love teasing him. He gets so wound up. Look at him! He’s getting angry again.”
“Ton, stop being a nuisance,” Stefan scolded.
“I’m beginning to understand why she wanted to get rid of you. You’re a fuckin pain in the ass, you are,” I said.
“You guys are being funny, aren’t you? You wouldn’t hurt me, would you?” Ton was still laughing, and I wasn’t sure if he was gonna calm down anytime soon.
Stefan obviously had other plans. He held him tightly and lay him down on the bed on his stomach. He tied his wrists and ankles to the bed as he kept him perfectly still. For once, Ton was obeying.
“You’ve had this coming, you know. For so long I’ve wanted to fuck your tight little ass. This is punishment for giving Tom a hard time. Trust me, I’m gonna make this hurt.”
“No, no! Please, I’m sorry, Stefan! I’ll be good! I’m still weak, Stefan. You don’t want to hurt me, do you?” I almost laughed at his pleading, but I knew better than to laugh during punishment or I’d be down for the same thing.
Stefan just started laughing. He came down and lay beside him. He hit his back hard a couple of times and spanked his ass. Ton looked confused and relieved that there wasn’t any stinging pain in his ass; at least, no pain that involved having a cock shoved up his ass.
“You know, I love seeing you squirm. And by the look of you, you should be right to work in a month. Then I can start punishing you properly. You need to learn to be a proper servant again. I’m going to make sure you never disobey me.”
Ton actually looked slightly scared, and I gathered this was because he was remembering the training he’d gone through with her and it wasn’t pleasant. Even I had hated it and feared it. She was so cruel. She’s still cruel.
“You won’t flog me, will you? She flogged me so much. Blood… all I could see…”
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you, well, I might. I’m going to fuck you sooner or later, so don’t think you’re getting out of that. I’ll make sure you’re a perfectly obedient servant whether you like it or not.”
I could hear how serious he was. Ton was in for some trying times, if Stefan’s tone was anything to go by. But it was true. Ton’d forgotten how to be a servant, and he needed to be trained again. I wasn’t sure how Stefan would train him, but I had a feeling it would be just as intensive, if not as cruel, as the methods our Mistress ordained.
To be continued…
Author: sashataakheru
Fandoms: No Doubt/Placebo RPS
Starring: Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal, Gwen Stefani, Adrian Young, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal, Steve Hewitt
Pairing: Tom/Tony
Previous: 1 - Punishment and Tears | 2 - Strangers And Jealousy | 3 - When The Bad Times Come
Warnings: violence, D/s themes, implied drug use
Word Count: 5,127
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Author's Notes: Setting is... SE Californian desert, near Palm Springs (IIRC). Based on a Placebo fic with a similar theme. This one took it's own journey though.
Summary: Many weeks later, Tony returns, and all his presence does is aggravate old wounds. Healing is a long time overdue.
The Traitor Returns
We had just woken up one morning and the sight that greeted us was surprising, to say the least. There she was, resplendent in dark green silk, holding a chain in one hand. She had a curious smile on her face. Once we’d woken enough to realise she was there, we went to get out of bed, but she stopped us.
“Don’t get up. I won’t be here long. I’m just bringing you a new servant,” she said.
“As a replacement? Tom’s been nothing but perfect,” Stefan said.
“No, no, not as a replacement, no, I’m bringing you an extra pair of hands. I’ve seen how busy you are and since I want to make your job as easy as possible, I thought I’d send some extra help,” she said.
She pulled on the chain and the new servant staggered into the room and collapsed to the floor. They were so very thin, and there were cuts and bruises all over their body. I could only see these because the new servant was naked.
“I’ll leave you boys to sort him out. Do whatever you want with him. I have no further use for him. Add him to your private harem if you so feel the need, Stefan.”
And with that, she was gone, leaving this new servant crumpled on the floor in front of the door. We clambered over the beds to help this new servant, whoever he was. He’d obviously been punished, and looked like he hadn’t eaten for such a long time. I sat beside him and lifted him into my arms, removing the chain from his collar. He was so very cold. I looked at his face and realised it was Ton. Suddenly I felt queasy. He looked so sick, so tired and thin. He hardly weighed anything, and that scared me. He’d lost a lot of weight. His ribs were clearly defined through his skin. A lot of his bones showed through his skin. I didn’t want to know what he’d gone through.
“Ton, is it really you?” I wanted to make sure. I could hardly believe this person I was holding in my arms was Ton.
“This… is all a fuckin dream… I’m dreaming of your voice again, of you by my side, your arms around me, of warmth and reprieve from this never-ending coldness…” His lips barely moved; his voice was so soft and quiet, so tired and full of pain.
“You’re not dreaming Ton. I’m really here with you. The coldness is gone. You’re here in the warmth,” I said.
I held him tighter, suddenly feeling sorry for sending him down to the dungeons to suffer for so long. Stefan handed me a blanket and we carefully wrapped him up. We picked him up carefully and lay him on Stefan’s bed. I lay beside him, my arms around him. I could feel his body trembling inside the quilt.
“You’re really here, Tom? I want the warmth. Make the coldness go away, make everything better…”
“I’m really here, Ton. What the hell happened to you down there? You’ve been gone six weeks.” I wasn’t really expecting him to answer, but it was all I wanted to know. I think I may have been talking to myself and the words came out my mouth without me asking them to. As he started talking, all I could hear was fear in his voice.
“Tom, she – she abandons me, that little shit Bri – he poisons her mind, turns her against me. She leaves me, she leaves me all alone locked in a cage like a fuckin animal. Too long, too long, I feel my insides eaten away, so, so very hungry, the pain, the pain. I want food, I need food like I need air but she doesn’t feed me. I wanna make the hurting stop. Bri hurts me, she lets him hurt me, ah, he’s so cruel, so fuckin cruel. But then the music comes, music, beautiful music, so beautiful, so powerful, so much of you in it, it makes my head hurt, my heart hurt, everything hurts. You make me hurt Tom – there’s pounding, pounding in my head, it won’t go away. It hurts, it hurts! I want it to go away; I want the hurting to stop. She tells me to get you out of my head, and I wanna, I want the hurting to stop. So I obey and I try to forget you, try so very hard, but the hurting won’t go away. Evil, evil hurting makes me attack Bri, I hurt him bad, and he’s all bruised and broken. She is so angry – angry, angry, angry – she yells at me, she hurts me again. The hurting comes back. It whispers to me about you, tells me lies and truths. The hurting makes my head ache. It tells me she’s false, tells me to listen to the music to make the hurting go away. I don’t wanna listen, Tom, the voices whisper and bicker, Gods, the hurting, the hurting. Then I dream of strange things, Tom, strange visions of you and me, of demons and the Gods and the music sings to me again, sings its song to me, and I hear it this time, I hear it, the hurting’s losing now, my heart feels light. I tell her, I tell her I love you, I yell at her, yell at her, making her listen to me to make her understand. I hold her down and stand over her – she is scared, scared, scared, I can see it in her eyes. The hurting stops, Tom, the hurting goes away, goes far away, I tell it never to come back. Then Adro comes and hurts me, pulls me away from her. She yells at me for a long time, a long time, she’s so angry. Bri and Adro, they hurt me, they leave me broken, broken and hurting. Then she takes me to the hall where the people are, everyone, the whole world is there, you’re there. She makes me speak, I yell to you, want you so badly to make the hurting go away. You reject me, my heart breaks again and the hurting returns. Pain, pain, horrible stinging pain, ah, ah, she hurts me, she hurts me, everything hurts. I cry, cry so much for you, I want the hurting to stop, but I want you so much. She takes me away to the darkness, the freezing, freezing blackness. She hurts me again, she hurts me so much. The hurting doesn’t go away, the pain doesn’t leave me, so long alone with the pain, the hurting. So hungry, so hungry for food, my bones ache, my stomach aches, everything aches for food. She doesn’t feed me, she doesn’t feed me, I think I’m gonna die. Water drips into my mouth, cold, frozen, aching. Everything hurts, aches, my bones are frozen, everything’s so cold. Your voice comes to me like a dream. I dream all the time, of you and me, of peace, of warmth, of death, of life, of light, of darkness, of Gods, of demons, of food, of water, of everything. The darkness consumes me, consumes my soul, my life, Apep, Apep, Apep! The darkness beats me into death! Gods, please save me! The demons come again! Apep, Apep, Ra, save me! My ka, my ka, I’m dying! There’s nothing but freezing cold and numbness and pain and darkness. Blood. My blood! She takes my blood from me, sucks it from my skin, my body. I feel coldness, weak and numb, Gods she hurts me so much. So long, so long, the coldness is never-ending, always cold, always freezing, always freezing and dark. I could sleep forever and never wake up. Then I feel moving, movement, sounds and voices, I’m taken away, taken upwards, the light slowly comes back. Then she’s there, scary, scary, I wanna run away, but my body, oh so tired, I can’t move. She makes me stand and walk, oh the pain, everything hurts, my bones ache, I can’t hold myself up. She pulls me along, she hurts me again, yelling at me. Oh, her voice! Like knives in my brain! Pounding, pounding in my brain, my temples throbbing, feel like they’re gonna explode! Then I hear your voice, you sound distant, worried, scared. I’m cold, cold and weak and tired and sore and bruised and broken and alone. Where am I? The light stings and burns, makes my eyes hurt. The darkness lurks, lurks in my mind like the hurting, waiting to come back, waiting to make me cry and bleed and scream…” His voice trailed off into sobbing.
I couldn’t say anything to that. What could I say to make up for that? I’d hated him for so long, then I’d forgotten him. Now here he was in my arms, so scared and tortured and hurting and I could do nothing to ease his pain. I felt so guilty at not being able to help.
Stefan suggested a bath to help clean the wounds and start warming him up again. He also called for some simple food to help get some strength back in him. I had no idea if he’d ever recover fully. We started with lukewarm water so we didn’t burn him, and had to refill the bath three times before the water didn’t go black on us anymore. We both washed him gently, carefully, making sure we didn’t hurt him. I hated touching his skin. I hated the way his body looked. I hated that he’d had to suffer so much. It was just wrong. We had to hold him up because he didn’t have any strength left in him. I sat in the bath behind him, letting his tiny body lean against my chest as Stefan washed the dirt off.
“Tom, you – do you love me?” Ton asked at one point. “I want to know if all this was worth it.”
“If I’d known what was going on, maybe I would’ve reacted differently. I said what I said because I thought you hated me. Everything you did to me gave me every reason to think that way. Do I love you? Yes, now that I’ve seen what you went through for me. I thought my music hadn’t touched you at all. I felt so angry and betrayed that I’d poured my heart out and I didn’t get any sort of reaction from you. That you went through all this for me breaks my heart. If I’d known this was coming, maybe I would’ve tried to stop this. Stefan’s been an angel in dark times. I’m just glad you’re alive.”
“Thank you. Now my heart feels light again.”
He leaned his head back against my chest and closed his eyes. I could tell the exhaustion was beginning to take hold, so when the food turned up, I let Stefan finish washing him while I fed him. He slowly sipped the warm soup from the bowl, and every mouthful seemed to take a lot of effort. I didn’t rush him, nor feed him all the soup. His stomach wouldn’t take too kindly to being full again so suddenly, I knew that from experience. I gave him water as well, sensing how dehydrated he must be. Then we dried him off, put some warm clothes on him and settled him in my bed to rest.
For several weeks, this became routine, and Stefan ordered me to stay behind to care for him. When he was resting, I’d sometimes lie next to him and sing to him, and I could sense how happy and calm this made him. Only after a couple of weeks did we try and get him walking to strengthen what remained of his muscles. He slowly gained weight, which I was so grateful for because I feared he’d never recover any weight at all. He was that thin. It was frightening.
He was still as determined as ever. At least she hadn’t destroyed his mind. I didn’t acknowledge it as readily as I should have, but it was his love for me that kept him going, that made him feel that he would get better. I think he wanted to be able to hold me and love me properly. I was caring so much for him and he wanted to return that love, if only his body would allow it. Sometimes, the depression returned, and he spent days crying in my arms, saying he would never be able to repay me and love me like I should be loved. Those days were tough, because that was when he dreamed of his ordeal and I could only hold him as he slept, unable to fight his demons away. All I could do was sing to him, hoping that I was reaching him and somehow easing his pain.
One day about three months down the track, we were walking around the room. I was holding him as he still wasn’t quite strong enough to hold himself up yet. He was actually beginning to look healthy, and his bones had disappeared under his skin again, something I was eternally grateful for. I was getting him into some very light resistance training to strengthen his arms and legs. His muscles were still stiff and growing back, but he was able to carry a small amount of weight, which was better than nothing. There was still a long way to go, but we were getting somewhere at least. Stefan had left us that day some time ago so we had the room to ourselves. I wasn’t even sure if everything I was doing was going to help him recover. I just followed my gut instincts. And he seemed to be getting better. We’d just gotten to the bathroom door when he stopped.
“Tom, I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.”
“That’s ok. We’ve been going a bit longer than you’re used to. Here, I’ll help you over to the bed.”
I picked him up and carried him over to Stefan’s bed, laying him down gently. I lay beside him, my arms around him.
“You hungry?”
“No… wait. Get me some water. I’m thirsty all of a sudden.”
I got up and poured him a glass of water. I sat him up and gave him the water. He sipped it with a happy look on his face, his eyes shut as he leant his head back.
“Is there anything else you want?”
“I want you, Tom. Love me. I want to feel again. So many lonely nights I spent with myself. Hold me, touch me, make me feel human again.”
I was surprised by his request. I wasn’t sure he was ready for it yet. I didn’t think he was strong enough. I didn’t want to deny him, but he looked so desperate, as if he really wanted to be able to feel again. I didn’t move, not wanting to tire him needlessly.
“Ton, you’re not strong enough. I don’t want to ruin what we’ve already achieved.”
“No, Tom. Don’t back away now. Kiss me. I need you. I went through all this for you. Now I want to make sure it wasn’t all for nothing.”
A part of me thought this was a kind of emotional blackmail, which I’d seen him try on me, and others, before. Another part of me wanted to take him so badly because isn’t this the request I’d been waiting for since God knows how long? If I gave in but only kissed him, he’d try and force me to fuck him, I knew he would. Either that or he’d talk me into letting him fuck me instead, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. He can be a manipulative little shit when he wants to be. I decided the best thing would be to say no and wait til he was stronger. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t think he was strong enough to cope with it yet.
“Tom, say something. I love you. You said you love me. Why is this so hard to answer? Why don’t you want to take me? Don’t you love me anymore?”
Oh, God, I could see tears welling in his eyes. He was gonna cry on me and make me feel all guilty about it. I knew what he was trying to do, and I wouldn’t fall for it again.
“Ton, you’re not strong enough, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to jeopardise everything we’ve worked so hard to achieve. We will, but not now. You’re not strong enough. You’re not ready to cope with it yet.” I’m not strong enough. I’m not ready to cope with it yet.
Yep, he started crying. He covered his eyes and turned away from me. “You don’t love me!” I heard him sob. “You don’t fuckin love me!”
“You know full well I fuckin love you, ok? I’m just looking out for your health. You’ve been through a terrible trauma. Your body’s gonna take a long time to get better. You’re not up to it yet. And stop crying on me. I know what you’re trying to do. I’ve learnt all your tricks, and you won’t fool me anymore.” I said. I was afraid I’d come off harsher than I had intended, but I really wasn’t angry with him.
“Apep’s eaten my soul and you don’t love me anymore!”
“Ton, shut the fuck up. Things are gonna take time, ok? I don’t want to hurt you. I love you too much to hurt you.”
“Traitor! You’re a fuckin traitor! You don’t love me! I’ve spent all these months pining after you and here’s how you repay me! Get away from me!”
I pulled back slightly. I must admit I had forgotten how crazy he could get sometimes. I was hoping the paranoia was under control, but seeing him now, I knew it would never leave him. His brain’s not what it was, that’s for sure. Too many drugs, too much alcohol, too much of everything, all supplied by her, I’d wager, to keep him drugged and under control.
I hated that she’d stoop to that kind of control. She wasn’t doing him any favours by it, either. I’d seen so many of his crazy days, seen him paralysed with paranoid fear, seen him so agro it scared me, seen him so pitifully confused and lost in his mind. His mind was so fucked up. Even the slightest suggestion that you weren’t gonna play by his rules sent him into paranoia, screaming betrayal and baying for your blood, as he was doing now. He was so hard to get on with in this state. You didn’t want to hurt him, but there was no reasoning with him. You didn’t want to give in, and I didn’t at the time, because you knew he’d just use it against you later if you refused him again.
“Ton, that’s not what I meant-”
“Shut up, shut up! Go away! You all hate me! I’ll kill you all!”
“Ton, settle down, please. I’m not out to hurt you!”
“Why would you say that? Of course, you’re out to hurt me. All I asked for was your love and you won’t give it to me. I wanted to feel you, touch you. I wanted that high again. I wanted to feel human again. I feel so dead, Gods, I feel so alone. Look at my body, my pitiful body. My mind doesn’t belong to it. There’s no connection. It’s a sack of bones. I want to feel connected again. Make me feel again, Tom. Please. I need this. Please. Please. Just help me feel again.”
His words haunted me, as he was voicing exactly how I’d felt back when I was begging hm for his love. Sure, he’d calmed down now, but he still wanted me to fuck him. He sounded so scared, so pitiful, and a part of me knew that was what he wanted me to think. Another part knew he’d never shut up about it til I’d done it, so I reluctantly agreed to pleasure him, if only to soothe him for the moment. I hated it when he went crazy and when he did, I wanted to do everything to make him get better. I figured if this was the only way, then I’d do it. I didn’t want him to suffer anymore.
I leant over him and kissed him, my hands and knees pressing into the mattress to avoid hurting him. I immediately felt his hands around my neck. He kissed me back so voraciously he took me by surprise. I could feel his hands moving down my back as he tugged at my shirt, trying to pull it over my head. I didn’t want to lie on top of him because I was afraid of crushing him. He was still weak.
I lay beside him, bringing him over on top of me. I could feel his craving, his lust for me, his passion heating up his chest. He broke the kiss long enough to pull my shirt off over my head, his own following. I rolled him over so we lay side by side. I felt his hands on my skin, desperate and full of longing as they sped towards my pants. He was so eager he had me naked before I had him naked.
I didn’t want to palm him because I didn’t want to hurt him, and I was afraid of being too rough. I reluctantly left his mouth and kissed down his scarred chest towards his cock. If he wanted it, he was gonna get it, but he’d have to put up with me being gentle about it and drawing it out as long as possible. Couldn’t I have a little fun while I was here? Besides, I felt particularly evil then as I crept down his body, smothering him with kisses as I teased him with my touch. I knew he’d soon be screaming for me to take him, but I thought I’d make him wait. I wanted to make sure he really wanted it before I began. When he felt he couldn’t take it anymore, then I’d start, not a moment sooner.
I could tell he hated my teasing, and he tensed up as I licked the inside of his thighs. I could see him squirming, his whole body was shaking, and that just encouraged me to kiss down his legs to suck on his toes. His hands were gripping the bed tightly and he thrashed his head around as I touched him everywhere.
“Tom, Tom, please, take me, dammit, take me now!”
I stopped and looked up at him.
“You’ll just have to wait a little longer, Ton. I’m not done yet.”
I heard his scream of frustration as I moved up his body again, heading towards his cock. “Fuckin take me, Tom! Fuckin take me now!”
“If you scream, you’ll only delay the pleasure.”
He tried not to say anything. He tried so hard. “No. Just. Grr. I hate you Tom.”
“Shut up, Ton. Can’t you even manage that?”
He couldn’t say anything to that, and finally I had him quiet. I teased and pleasured him for some time before finally giving in and taking him into my mouth. He groaned and let me do what I wanted. I could feel him almost explode as I sucked him. His body felt like it couldn’t contain the pleasure any longer. When I finally felt him cum, his body shuddered and thrashed about as he shot his large load into my mouth. Once I’d swallowed and licked him clean, I held him as still as I could, afraid of him hurting himself as I crept up his body and kissed him again.
“How are you feeling now?”
“Tired, but good. Thanks Tom. Ah, you really gave me a good one then. I think you overdid it. I feel so sore now. Everything aches.”
“What did I tell you? I didn’t think you were ready for it yet, but you never listen to me.”
“I know. Sorry. But it was fuckin worth it, every second was worth it. I don’t care if I ache for days.”
“You’re a stubborn little shit, you know.”
“Shut up, Tom. Fuck me again.”
“Oh, I don’t think so. You’ve had quite enough for one day.” I got up and walked away from him. “I’m gonna have a wash, ok? You rest up. And I mean it. Go to sleep or I won’t even consider fucking you again.”
Ton gave me a hurt look, but I didn’t give in to him. He needed to rest or he’d never be able to fuck me, which is what he wanted the most.
“Be good and rest or you won’t be strong enough to fuck me.”
“You’re no fun, Tom.”
“Go to sleep, Ton. I’ll be there in a while.”
At that, he promptly snuggled underneath the sheets and closed his eyes. I knew he was only pretending til I got there, but he was being quiet and still and that was quite enough. I shook my head and left him, going into the bathroom to shower. I didn’t even notice him creeping after me til I felt his arms around me, kissing my shoulders and neck.
“What did I tell you to do? Go to bed, Ton. You need your rest. I’m being serious now. Stefan’s due back soon and I don’t want him to have a messy bed, ok?”
“Tom, you’re so boring. Can’t we have a little fun? Can’t I fuck you?” I felt his hand on my cock, his own pressing against my ass.
A wave of pain shot up my spine, and the memories of being raped by Ton all came flooding back. I could feel how hard he was, and it didn’t take much to imagine him pounding into me again. The pain returned, and I found myself silently crying, pulling away from him, ashamed at this reaction. It had been so long ago, yet it was like it happened yesterday.
“Tom? Are you ok?” Suddenly, he sounded serious, and I shivered when I felt his hand on my shoulder.
“Just – leave me, ok? Go to bed,” I said harshly, trying to hide my crying.
“Can’t I stay here with you? I wanna be with you again,” he said, half-singing the words.
His persistence angered me, and I turned to face him, obviously scaring him as he stepped back a bit.
“And I told you to leave me alone, Ton. You’re still light enough to carry, you know,” I said, picking him up and throwing him over my shoulder.
I carried him into the bedroom and dried him off. Before I could dress him, he managed to struggle out of my grasp and started running around the room away from me. I didn’t know he had that much strength in him. I chased after him, trying to catch him. When I eventually tackled him, we fell to the floor just as Stefan walked through the door. He stopped and looked at us, slightly puzzled, before giving me a knowing glance.
“And what have you two been doing while I’ve been away? From the looks of it, I’d say that my messy bed is your fault. Are you going to fix it?” He didn’t sound angry. He never sounds angry.
Ton was giggling next to me. I got up and bowed to Stefan. His appearance forced me to lose my anger.
“Sorry, Stefan, he’s been a difficult little shit today. I’ll get your bed fixed now.”
Ton lay on the ground, still giggling. As I went about changing the sheets on our beds, I saw Stefan pull Ton up onto his feet by the back of his neck.
“Have you been giving Tom trouble?” He was actually sounding stern for once.
“I love teasing him. He gets so wound up. Look at him! He’s getting angry again.”
“Ton, stop being a nuisance,” Stefan scolded.
“I’m beginning to understand why she wanted to get rid of you. You’re a fuckin pain in the ass, you are,” I said.
“You guys are being funny, aren’t you? You wouldn’t hurt me, would you?” Ton was still laughing, and I wasn’t sure if he was gonna calm down anytime soon.
Stefan obviously had other plans. He held him tightly and lay him down on the bed on his stomach. He tied his wrists and ankles to the bed as he kept him perfectly still. For once, Ton was obeying.
“You’ve had this coming, you know. For so long I’ve wanted to fuck your tight little ass. This is punishment for giving Tom a hard time. Trust me, I’m gonna make this hurt.”
“No, no! Please, I’m sorry, Stefan! I’ll be good! I’m still weak, Stefan. You don’t want to hurt me, do you?” I almost laughed at his pleading, but I knew better than to laugh during punishment or I’d be down for the same thing.
Stefan just started laughing. He came down and lay beside him. He hit his back hard a couple of times and spanked his ass. Ton looked confused and relieved that there wasn’t any stinging pain in his ass; at least, no pain that involved having a cock shoved up his ass.
“You know, I love seeing you squirm. And by the look of you, you should be right to work in a month. Then I can start punishing you properly. You need to learn to be a proper servant again. I’m going to make sure you never disobey me.”
Ton actually looked slightly scared, and I gathered this was because he was remembering the training he’d gone through with her and it wasn’t pleasant. Even I had hated it and feared it. She was so cruel. She’s still cruel.
“You won’t flog me, will you? She flogged me so much. Blood… all I could see…”
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you, well, I might. I’m going to fuck you sooner or later, so don’t think you’re getting out of that. I’ll make sure you’re a perfectly obedient servant whether you like it or not.”
I could hear how serious he was. Ton was in for some trying times, if Stefan’s tone was anything to go by. But it was true. Ton’d forgotten how to be a servant, and he needed to be trained again. I wasn’t sure how Stefan would train him, but I had a feeling it would be just as intensive, if not as cruel, as the methods our Mistress ordained.
To be continued…
